19 is making brownies.
Puts brownies in the oven and goes up to his bedroom.Now I have to set the house on fire to teach him a lesson.
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Her: You had me at, “I brought you nachos”.
Him: But I didn’t bring you nachos.
Her:
Him:
Her:
Him: Be right back…
I met this white girl that was telling me about how she wanted to make a “hip” fried chicken place in her neighborhood. She was looking for ideas for names and I told her to call it Gentri Fried.
She wrote it down. 📝😭
Alcohol is a perfect solvent: It dissolves marriages, families and careers.
Rice: for when you’re not really
hungry but still wanna eat a 1000
of something.
*goes swimming in Australia*
*is attacked by sharks*
*crawls gasping onto deserted beach*
*thanks god*
*is promptly eaten by crocodiles*
I don’t care how much candy he offers you, kids, do NOT get out of Billy Ocean’s dreams and into his car.
i came on this app to make friends and chew bubblegum… and im all out of gum
Friend: What’s it like having a tween daughter?
Me: *pretends I didn’t hear her*
Interviewer: “What did you like best about your last job?”
Me: “Sometimes, people had birthdays and there was free cake.”
If I was a police sketch artist I would be like “is this the guy?” And they would be like “nope that’s a barn” because I can only draw barns
Just expressed my displeasure by showing my husband the chewed up food in my mouth because apparently I’m 8 years old.🤦🏻♀️😂
Happy Thursday guys and remember. If you can’t spot the douche at work today, then it’s probably you.
Ice Ice Baby, Ice Ice Baby
All right stop, Collaborate and listen
This frozen baby needs to see a physician
Oh yeh? Explain this then
[buying condoms]
assistant: would you like a bag?
me: are they cheaper?
(god creating crows) black. blacker! little beady eyes. deathly squawk
angel: what if there’s a bunch of them
god: MURDER
angel: you ok pal?
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who didn’t really want you to take a bite of the cookie he offered you
“Mommy, why does an old person’s skin look so see-through?”
Aw, honey, it’s just because they are getting ready to be a ghost. Sleep tight.
Parents: Don’t play with sharp objects.
Parents in October: Here’s a knife. Now stab this pumpkin.
My daughter waking me up at 6:30am to straighten her hair for her, and then her climbing back into bed and going back to sleep, is my villain origin story.
When someone asks if I have any hobbies
Really enjoyed rearranging my onions into a different position this morning for half an hour. Huge day for us.
Told my wife I wanted our kids every other weekend and she reminded me that we’re married & live together so I’d have to see them every day.
Wife (in deep thought): *clicking pen over and over again*
Me: Can you please stop doing that while we’re having sex?
You know,this recliner and I go WAY back.
[Date]
(don’t let her know you’re an alien larva)Her: I wonder where he is?
*I burst through her chest*
Me: Did you order yet? I’m starved
Niece: I like math
M: 5 X 1?
N: 5
M: *takes out phone* right
N:You’re using your phone?
M: I got a text
N: I didnt hear a sound*runs away*
Please do not try to befriend the velociraptors. Emotionally they take much more than they give
A French press is when you hug naked
If you want to drive someone slowly insane, say frank you to them in a parrot voice one million times.