@justamom819

19 is making brownies.
Puts brownies in the oven and goes up to his bedroom.

Now I have to set the house on fire to teach him a lesson.

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@KrunkedRobot

Every Coronavirus post on Facebook should just start with, “First off, I have no idea what i’m talking about.”

@fillthevacuum

Some people around here retweet like it’s coming out of their booze allowance.

@trojansauce

ALFRED: *wringing out wet birthday party invitation* it’s difficult to read, but i’d hazard a guess at aquaman, master wayne

@Peauxtassium

I’m always here for you unless someone better looking needs me

@famouscrab

what if in airbud they put the dog in and they didnt win that coach would feel stupid

@GuyThe_Guy

So we agree when the zombies come we feed em the teenagers first, right?

@economybacon

“My anger began to flow through me like hot mountain sweat..”

Um, don’t you mean “Lava”?

“…like warm hill pee”

@mindflakes

Anyone here good with computers? Trying to figure out how to attach a swarm of wasps to an email