19 is making brownies.
Puts brownies in the oven and goes up to his bedroom.Now I have to set the house on fire to teach him a lesson.
You Might Also Like
Parenthood has taught me that you can ruin someone’s day by asking “did you brush your teeth?”
gimma back my stick frost man… 😖☃️
God: Give them free will
Angel: Some of them are going to use it to say, “supposably.”
God: You know what? Let’s make a hell, too.
him: hey have you ever seen house
her: house?
him: yeah like doctor house
me, walking by: [helpfully] it’s called a hospital
[american civil war]
soldier: god this is terrible I hope no one reenacts this
*putting wrinkle cream on my crow’s feet*
HOLD STILL, MR. VANDERBEAK!
I don’t know what this is or why this is but it is and what I want is for it to be elsewhere
-Me about my kid’s toys
My toddler keeps running over and yelling “BOO!” in my face.
It’s totally unnecessary, though. I’ve been completely terrified of him since the day he was born.
I’ve got so much respect for Jack White calling his song “seven nation army”, mentioning the seven nation army in the first line and then never saying another thing about them
Today I gave my friend an apple, but she told me she prefers pears.
So I gave her another apple.#jokeoftheday #funny #jokes
Some random person just tilled my and my neighbors’ garden sometime during the night.
I’m afraid we’re dealing with a serial tiller.
Driver: My God… that weasel…
Onlooker: He just went… “pop”…
Weasel’s family: *sobbing*
Ice-cream man: I’ve got an idea for a song y’all.
[Funeral]
Her: [Through tears] I’m gonna need your support today
Him: You got it babe [waves flag and presses air horn] WIFE! WIFE! WIFE!
My 8yo just asked my permission to say “shit” to express his anger, so don’t tell me I’m not raising a polite kid.
This looks like Wile E. Coyote trying to catch a hypochondriac Roadrunner:
My wife traumatically ripped the blankets off me last night. But I will recover.
I never see my neighbors. Unless I’m walking through the kitchen pulling my bra through my sleeve, glance out the window, and then it’s all like heyyyy
My phone died, so I was forced to “print” a physical copy of my boarding pass, just like The Wright Brothers used to in the olden days
“What’s in your mouth what’s in your mouth what’s in your mouth what’s in your mouth what’s in your mouth what’s” – people with babies
This could be the Alcohol talking but….
OMG you guys! The ALCOHOL is TALKING!
Me: I don’t care if schools open, you’re not going.
13: I am going! You’re not using this as an opportunity to live out your homeschool mom fantasies.
Me: Please. My fantasies involve boarding schools. Get over yourself.
Yah I ordered a large pizza but it’s thin crust/ light cheese so basically it’s a salad .
mugger: *points gun* your money or your life
me: sure thing *hands him my id* you got 2 kids and didn’t actually understand the matrix
mugger: no i mean-
me: *already running away* your late for steph’s recital
a man in whole foods asked how i was doing and i said ok how are you and he said “it is beautiful in my soul today” and that’s why i never go to whole foods
Today on House Hunters, we’ll attempt to entangle Hugh Laurie in a giant net.
Caveman: I have discovered fire
Village: yayyyyy
Caveman: it’s burning all our stuff
Village: booooo
Plot twist, I pay you to see my premium creative content?
[grounding my son]
me: THAT’S IT! You’re out of the school play!
wife (whispering): he doesn’t actually care about that play
me (whispering): I know, I just really don’t want to go to it
Dear Fox news,
I have yet to see any news about foxes.
Sincerely,
disappointed viewer.