Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The pasta is now

It’s better to have loved and won than to have loved and lost. I don’t know why they never mention that.

Pro tip:

Don’t drop the remote on your wife’s face when she falls asleep in your lap

Found the job I’m suited for

People who think being an aunt is some kind of “easy,” fun, responsibility-free way to spend time with kids REALLY do not understand how hard it is to open a child-locked drawer

Parenthood is mostly making sure your kids eat healthy but also occasionally giving them fast food so your liver stays healthy

Me: I’m a scorpion.

Date: You mean scorpio?

Me: (clicking my claws together) No I very do not.

Twitter: Ed Asner died

Me: Aw that’s so sad. What a great actor

T: Betty White is trending

Me: AAAAAAAAAA!!

T: She’s fine

Me: Why would you do that?

Me: I set a record for the rope climb in high school.

4-year-old: You climbed it the fastest?

My wife: He cried the most.

Don’t make me out nice you.

*whistles at dog*
DOG: I have a boyfriend

Dr. Seuss: Would you could you in a box?
Would you could you with a fox?

me: ok what kind of doctor are you anyway

Your Hunger Games name is the last injection you got plus the last thing you stepped on. I’m Tetanus Woodscrew

I’d rather take a bullet for my son than cover for him when mom asks who left the dirty dishes in the sink…

batman: I protect the innocent, the helpless, the people with no one left to save them

alfred: right

batman: also need you to make another costume, I adopted an angsty orphan and wanna send him to fight an insane clown

Donner? Party of 87? Your table is ready.

1985: imagine what school photos will be like in the future

2022 (the future): adds one neon laserbeam and one fake bookshelf background to cart

My 6yr old says she’s going to stay up until the New Year, NO MATTER WHAT. She just asked if it was midnight yet, it’s 7:05.

♫ 12 drummers drumming
♫ 11 pipers piping
♫ 10 lords a leaping
♫ 9 ladies dancing
♫ 8 maids a milking
♫ 7 swans a swimming
♫ 6 geese a laying
♫

Just tried a kids meal in McDonald’s. Unfortunately, her dad chased me away before I got any of her chips.

Is it still murder if they said, “Some other time,” but I thought they said smother time?

If life has taught me one thing, it’s that I need more money.

Lil Wayne once said “got ten bathrooms, I could shit all day” which I’ve proven can be done with just one bathroom.

My cat thinks any questions I ask him are rhetorical.

who knew parenting would entail saying “pick that up off the floor” followed by “and don’t put it in your mouth” so often

The calories in food given to you by someone else don’t count, right?

Some jerk called me “pretentious” so I called him a “planktupus.” I can make up nonsense words too.

Husband: What kind of toothpaste should I get?

Me: Sensitive, strengthening, whitening, tartar control, plaque removing, deep clean, breath freshening, complete protection, with baking soda.

Husband: So get the blue stuff?

Me: Yes.

You’re the last hot dog on the rollers at 7-11 of people.

I’m wearing a push-up bra and can still only do 3 push-ups. Would not recommend.