Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

me: [hits guy with sock full of pennies]

him: is that all you got

me: yeah inflation’s bad

My wife will fix her hair before she puts on a seat belt in the car because if she dies, she WILL LOOK GOOD dammit.

[aliens making first contact]

Alien: here you go guys, now you won’t need to wear glasses

WHAT DO WE WANT!?

A forum for passive aggressive behavior!

WHEN do we want it?

NOW would be great but you seem busy sooo whatever.

DUI checkpoint cop: sir, have u been drinking tonight
me: define sir

95% of parenting is using your sock as a mop.

babe, listen, I need you to bring me $15000 cash and my passport. I out-pizza’d the hut and they are after me

Definition of awkward: USPS, UPS, and FedEx making online shopping deliveries all at the same time.. just as my husband pulls in the driveway.

Fitness update: I rode a bike yesterday, and today it feels like I’m smuggling a baseball

a midwest state really had a “husband calling” competition

“Those aren’t the variants you’re looking for” –

Obicron Kenobi

Special shout out to the CIA, who were pouring cold water on people BEFORE the “ice bucket challenge” made it cool

me: are you guys going to publish my book on negotiating

publisher: no

me: ok

Tweet thieves know how to take a joke.

[Starbucks]
ME: [bursts in] THERE’S A GUNMAN AT LARGE

BARISTA: [shrugs]

ME: [sigh] THERE’S A GUNMAN AT VENTI

B: *grande screaming noises*

Store Clerk: Happy holidays
Me (angrily): Merry…CHRISTMAS
Clerk (even angrier): SEASON’S GREETINGS
[we just start choking each other]

Saw 8 vasectomy billboards on my 4 hour road trip through Florida yesterday. It’s like Florida knows what has to be done to Florida.

The main reason I don’t own a gun is because I would shoot people who scare me when they sneeze.

Having no tattoos in 2014, is like having tattoos in 1967.

Legally you’re obligated to say “I’ll be glad when all this construction is finished” any time you drive through construction.

putting lotion on isn’t making your skin any less dry because you’re only addressing a symptom and not the source of the problem. You gotta drink that shit

So many homophobes turn out to be secretly gay that I’m nervous I’m secretly a giant spider

*im applying Chapstick and doing curtseys in the mirror*
*dad walks past*
*dad double takes*
*im doing push-ups and drinkin a protein snake*

I come from a time of excessive Durans.

I just took the Christmas tree down. Gonna dye Easter eggs this afternoon.

me: *dipping broccoli in fondue* check it out im skinny dipping lol

waiter:

me: get it cuz its a vegetable haha

waiter: where are ur clothes

Beware of the dog..

Called this psychic hotline today but a woman answered the phone saying “how can I help you?” So I hung up and tried another one.

“yeah that IS strange they only filled the fries and shakes halfway” I say about the food I brought home for my kids.

I just want to walk in to a random workplace, put fish in the microwave for 10 minutes on high. Then just sit back and watch the fireworks.