19 showed us what he has learned at college when he asked “can we drink screwdrivers while we are opening presents?”
*making screwdrivers*
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I don’t want to alarm anyone, but my doctor says I have an irreversible terminal condition called aging.
Inuits have 50 words for snow. Brits have 50 things named pudding
Me: [has never relaxed once in my entire life] I should get a hammock
I was cleaning one of my finger guns and accidentally blew a hole through my air guitar.
*stares into the abyss
The Abyss: Okay you’re kind of freaking me out.
Swiss cheese was invented when some cheesemakers were shooting the bries.
*escorted from Starbucks
I SWEAR, I LEFT MY SCARF IN THE CAR!
fellas, if your girl:
•has got it going on
•she’s all you want
•you’ve waited for so longshe’s not your girl, she’s stacey’s mom
Bay: come over
Me: no, I’m watching TMNT
Bay: I made one too
Me: but it’s awful
Bay: come watch it
Me: who gave you my number, Michael
*driving my date to the ER*
I told you my possum doesn’t like direct eye contact. This one is on you.
When it comes to Pope vs. Trump, do you take the side of the guy who wears that ridiculous thing on his head or the Pope?
It’s rude to upstage the bride on her wedding day but that’s exactly what’s going to happen when I burst into flames as I enter the church.
I’m my own worst enemy. And the enemy of my enemy is my friend. So I’m also my best friend
I like to do laundry in stages. For example, right now I’m in denial that I should be doing laundry.
I had two students lose teeth yesterday and this morning they excitedly told me how much money the tooth fairy left. One got $10, the other $20. I may start pulling my own teeth out soon.
Preacher: He who lives by the sword shall die by the sword
Me: *sweating*
My neighbor (who is an actual sword): *glares at me from the end of the pew*
I can’t believe I gave him my whole heart and he just shit on it like it was nothing, I hate mennnnever mind, he texted back. False alarm.
the nice thing about always being late is never having to worry about getting worms
Ever since I bought this Queen mattress I’ve got shivers down my spine, body’s aching all the time.
Nothing freaks me out like that girl w/the purple bra yelling “Hey those are MY panties!” Finders keepers lady.
Fashion designers: What do you want?
Me: something that hides my belly fat, shows off my curves and something even an 80 year old would find comfortable
Fashion designers: we don’t do magic
“Ugh, it’s so dark!” *shivers* “And cold! Why is it so huge? It’s, like, jeez, does it go on forever?!”
– Larry, the worst astronaut
Gets drunk.
Drunk: Oh I’m so gonna get you back.
[following girl off elevator] you cant hate snakes and then say u love dragons, because theyre actually extremely similar. in a lot of mytho
[at restaurant]
-sees baby screaming in high chair
-walks over & picks baby up
-walks outside & puts baby down“You’re free,” I whisper.
ME: [building a robot] We’re going to be best friends!
ROBOT: [flies out of window]
ME: Why did I add a propeller
Cop: This spot is for frog parking only
Me: Oh yeah. What are you gonna do about it?
*gets toad*
me: [lays trail of petals directly to the bed] she’ll love this
midwife: she won’t
You ask for a Swedish massage and then get mad when I roll meatballs on your back
Sperm: hey
Egg: hi
Fallopian Tube: ugh get a womb u two