Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

ghosts in movies are stupid if i was a ghost id be in the bahamas but they’re just like “lets stay here and move pots and pans”

Kids’ complaints on vacation:
– No wifi on beach
– Sand is sandy
– Ocean has salt in it
– Lobsters? I want pizza.
– Too outdoorsy outside

SHAGGY: what did the vet say you have

SCOOBY DOO: rabies

SHAGGY: zoinks i didn’t even know you could get pregnant

Don’t forget to hug your friends. They might be hiding a burrito from you, so get a good feel

Why procrastinate today

When you could procrastinate tomorrow

“If you approach a bear in the woods, lie down and play dead” – brilliant rumor started by lazy bears

This reads like the bunny is the First Lady and I can’t stop laughing.

Be the elephant you wish to see in the room.

if you do what you love you’ll never work a day in your life because you’ll be unemployed

Do I work hard? No. But do I work smart to compensate. Absolutely not.

My pregnant friends put me in charge of their gender reveal party

I can’t wait till they pop the balloon & find out they’re having a kraken

Girls are shit with birthday gifts you’ll hint for a Rolex all year & she’ll turn up with a jar that’s filled with 22 things she loves about you lol

For sale: Baby, won’t stop selling its shoes.

Gatsby: *pouring wine* After all, they DO call me the Grape Gatsby

Daisy Buchanan: Wow they really call you the Great Gatsby?

Gatsby: … Yup

I’m glad that Costco checks receipts when you leave because I don’t want to live in a world where someone gets away with stealing 1500 Ritz crackers

This guy next to me thinks I’m flirting, but really I’m just trying to see where he parks so I can steal his gas

not to brag but I can almost always tell when it’s a car with antlers instead of an actual reindeer.

I went on WebMD and I either have Covid or I’m getting my period

Me: Ugh! These jeans are too tight!

*opens bag of chips*

I wish kid’s socks were biodegradable and came on rolls like paper towel. Just rip off a new pair every day and throw the only one you can find from yesterday in the garden

A lot of childhood characters weren’t so much beloved as there wasn’t anything else on the tv

The best thing about being an accountant is that everyone assumes you’re not a psychopath.

[on first date]

Let me get that for you.

*holds door open*

“May I help you, sir?”

Yes, my lady would like your finest soft taco supreme…

[meets someone on the internet a day younger than me] my child go and live

Dad: Want a donut?

Me: YES!

Dad: *punches my leg* Hurts don’t it lol.

Me: *tasers him* HERTZ DON’T IT LOL.

“Ok, what chemical symbol should we give this Gold?”

*thief runs by, steals gold*

“Hey! You!”

Au, got it. Next element.

Honestly I wouldn’t want to be left alone with anyone who knew even a single way to skin a cat

Got drunk and told the dog she’s adopted last night

In the middle of an argument, begin calmly folding a blanket if you want the other person to go truly ballistic

Life is like a roller coaster: There are ups & downs, you often feel like vomiting, but in the end there are weird pictures of you for sale.