Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Break into your neighbor’s house every night but don’t take anything just put a cape on their dog

I wanna rock and roll for 20 minutes tops and party for as long as it takes to seem normal before leaving without saying goodbye to anyone

The word October loosely translates to ’eight bers’

i don’t get why IDs expire as proof of identification. ima always be me, right? right???? what does the govt know that i don’t

Relationship Status:

My Christmas tree and I are sharing a large bottle of water.

A sip for you, a sip for me.

Why just pufferfish? Why not other pufferanimals?

Why not a pufferpuma?

Sorry I dropped you during the trust fall, I was going through your wallet.

I need to babyproof my house.

I’m not having a baby, I’m just extremely clumsy

My OnlyFans would be me editing your papers before you submit them.

OnlyFANS = Only Flawless Apostrophes ‘N Spelling

I have, a really beautiful body

under my floor boards

MyChart App: You have a new message in MyChart

Email: You have a new message in MyChart

Text message: You have a new message in MyChart

Skywriter: You have a new message in MyChart

The Rosetta Stone: You have a new message in MyChart

Who named it “push-up bra” instead of “abracadabra” ??

Always remember –

If you’re having a conversation with somebody that doesn’t speak English, just talk louder.

The Supreme Court was making history, holding arguments over the phone because of Covid-19, when all of a sudden there was the distinct sound of a toilet flushing.

What do Norse mythology and chastity belts have in common?

Asgard.

me: there’s some loud construction work going on in my street, so guess you could say I’m getting hammered

everyone on this work call:

ME: If I donate my body, will it be used for weird and gross sex experiments?
SCIENTIST: Of course not!
ME: Oh. Nevermind, then.

[Me as a Sunday school teacher]

…then on the third day Odin went to Valhalla so that warriors who died in battle would have eternal life.

Give a man a fish and chances are you won’t be asked to be in charge of buying a gift “from all of us” anymore.

Women who say giving birth is painful, obviously never watched YouTube with a 7 year old.

I hope they boil the right one.

Dishonest mechanic?

i haven’t seen a “turn $50 into $5000” post in a minute, y’all in jail now?

6y/o: “Mom, can I brush your hair?”

Me: “Well, you don’t really brush curly hair, but…that’s fine.”

6y/o, after spending 40 minutes brushing my hair: *puts the hood of my sweatshirt over my hair* “That’s better. Just keep that on.”

I’d donate my body to science after I die, but they’d find 42 packs of chewed up and swallowed Hubba Bubba and my mom would be disappointed.

Follow me on instagram here!
It won’t all be gold – most of it is barely pewter

Netflix and you sit over there.

Strong people don’t put others down. They lift them up.

And throw them.

New healthcare plan in case Obamacare is defunded: the entire country pays for hospital bills by cooking meth.