1900: Let’s filter coffee.
1950: We need to filter cigarettes.
1970: We should really filter water.
2015: I want to filter my face.
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So as far as I can tell, the Metaverse is just Animal Crossing but you’re being hunted by Mark Zuckerberg.
if I were Juliet, I would NOT be pleased to find a man standing under my balcony at midnight. sir I am in my jim-jams
Tandem parachute instructor: Is this your first time?
Me: No I’ve been terrified loads of times
Tandem parachute instructor: I meant doing this
Me: Oh yes, first ever hug and I like it
‘Hey look, hot dogs!’
Dogs: *blush* omg thanks
If revenge is a dish best served cold AND revenge is sweet then revenge is basically ice cream.
Bring it.
If it comes down to Joe Biden vs Donald Trump we should just accept our fates & let a chili dog eating contest determine who’s president.
*Goes to the store*
*Buys donughts, doughnut holes, and glue*
Being my friend is a walk in the park, but the park is on fire and sometimes the squirrels eat your cookies
Goodyear: tires
Badyear: 2020
“Hi, I’m Lucky, this is Bandit, and this is Shadow.”
– if people were named like pets
You’re so vain. You probably think me being in this tree outside your house is about you.
Me: *pretends to get electrocuted as we shake hands*
Guy who was just about to offer me a job: Ok I’ll probably be in touch
Social media has shown us why there are directions on shampoo.
What adults say: I’m just gonna close my eyes for a minute.
What adults mean: goodnight see you tomorrow
I think my husband is psychic!
“Honey, what do you think of this outfit?”
{from other room}
“You look great!”
I see in your bio you’re divorced and play the bagpipes. I’m going to venture a guess as to why you’re divorced
My neighbour hit the post reversing out of the driveway. He hit the poor man delivering it too.
Henry: mom did you know that criminals can go to heaven?
Me: yes like if they believe in Jesus and ask him for forgiveness?
Henry: no like if they break in
I have no problem sticking to a diet if I go to sleep right after breakfast.
When I said ‘You can’t buy my love.’
I meant with your salary.
[during sex]
her: choke me
me: {drops a popcorn kernel into the back of her throat}
Stopped drinking coffee 3 days ago, and feel less and less addicted to caffeine with every new cup of my own pee.
At work, I secretly make decaf coffee in the regular pot to keep all of my coworkers working at my pace.
i listed my ex as my emergency contact at my new job bc if i have a heart attack i need to tell kathy to burn in hell one last time
10yo: When in doubt, albatrout.
Me: What the hell is albatrout? That’s not real.
10yo: Now you’re in doubt!
Me: But…
10yo: ALBATROUT
*trying to sound cool to my son at dinner* bruh these vegetables be good AF
when my therapist asks how i’ve been the last two weeks
(6yo student hugging me first thing in the morning, head against my jacket)
Me: You were absent yesterday. Were you sick?
6yo: No, I had lice.
Please don’t exorcise the demon possessing me if it’s really good at things like small engine repair or has a secret recipe for a perfect pie crust.
Cop: *looks at license* Says here you need glasses.
Me: I have contacts.
Cop: I don’t care who you know, you’re not getting out of this one.