1900: Let’s filter coffee.
1950: We need to filter cigarettes.
1970: We should really filter water.
2015: I want to filter my face.
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“HULK WANT LOAN.”
Bank: “We can’t loan to people like you.”
“GREEN SKIN PEOPLE??”
Bank: “No, people who owe 2.6M in property damage.”
Thoughts while driving:
-Hope that light stays green.
-Hope it stays yellow.
-Hope no one saw me run that red light.
Teen: Your brows are on fleek!
Me: (confused) Yeah well your FACE is on fleek.
Teen: Thanks!
Me: God damn it.
Me: I want a never ending spoon of Ben and Jerry’s
Genie: done
Ben Affleck and Jerry Garcia: why are we hugging this guy
Me: shhh
Sign your kids up for sports so that they can get exercise, and drive-thru for dinner.
Batman’s Bat Signal was really banking on the fact that crimes only happened at night.
Your mother has terrible taste in children.
MOVING IS AWESOME
I GET TO PACK UP ALL MY THINGS AND SLOWLY REALIZE THAT THE MATERIAL GOODS I SPENT YEARS WORKING TO AFFORD HAVE BECOME AN ANCHOR FROM WHICH I WILL NEVER BE FREE
OH AND I MUST FORWARD MY MAIL
NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOoooooooooooooooooooooooo!!!
“Have you tried putting balogna in it?”
~me, as a marriage counselor
Eating a slice of pizza is hard when you’re going through the car wash, without a car.
The Force can make you lift a spaceship out of the swamp, but proper sentence structure teaching, it can not.
WIFE: get down here!
ME: *from telephone wire* I’m with my friends
WIFE: why are u wearing fake wings?
ME: *to bird next to me* they’re real
If I’m being honest, a Seven Nation Army probably could hold me back.
Social media’s ruined everything. If I saw a dead body on my walk home my first thought would be to take a pic and caption it “Mood”
My mum needs to stop using all the blenders for stew.. It’s pissing me off having spicy Oreo milkshake
My train of thought is actually just a drunken wedding conga line.
During my prostate exam I asked the doctor, “where should I put my pants”? “Over there by mine”, was not the answer I was expecting.
Once again, I have waited till the very last minute to do Christmas shopping. Today I shall battle my fellow procrastinators at the mall. “Here are some socks and underwear kids. I had to shank a woman For these”
16: ‘What was it like when you were growing up?’
Me: *takes cell phone-throws him outside*
‘Be back at six!’16: ‘Wait, Dad I-‘
Me: *slam
Pancakes are just crepes who let themselves go after college.
“They grow up so fast.”
– Me, looking at my problems.
When writing science fiction, always Google your made-up planet name; 9 times out of 10, it’s an existing yeast infection medication.
If you don’t have at least 1 white friend named “Matt”, then you are Matt.
Hobby Lobby and Chick-Fil-A have one thing in common: I never go there.
In addition to the usual teeth cleaning pain, my wonderful dental hygienist heard “Runaway Train” come on and said “oh I haven’t heard the Goo Goo Dolls in years” and it was like 5 excruciating minutes before I could sputter “Soul Asylum”
I know dropping your phone/keys in a public toilet is bad but have you ever lost a shoe trying to kick the flusher
Very good news from my accountant
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I can’t believe I’m supposed to obey ALL the traffic laws ALL the time.