Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My husband told me I was overreacting. Then he got to witness me over overreacting.

My favorite part of yesterday was when the cashier at Whole Foods couldn’t price an item & said “Here just take it I hate this fuckin place”

I got the words yakuza and jacuzzi confused the other day.

Now I’m in hot water with the Japanese mafia.

Stay in school, kids.

No, I mean really. Don’t come home. We need a break.

Him: why do you keep poking me ?

Her: I’m looking for the mute button

pinnochio trying to win a 40 yard dash by lying as fast as he can at the end

One of my dogs was puking, i got up to deal with it and the other dog stole part of my dinner. This was not random. This was a planned event.

Still looking for the Christmas presents I hid last year.

This gym has a very strict rule no denim jeans or jorts. But if you’re 300 lbs of muscle & attitude, apparently it’s merely a suggestion.

*peeing*

I should get outta bed now, I guess.

My Dad always used to say “Into each life some rain must fall.”
Lovely man, terrible roofer.

[Me flirting with a twenty something]

Him: When last did you get lit?

Me: This morning. It was really sunny so I was well illuminated.

[on the phone]

Me: I can’t make it in today
Boss: That’s the 3rd time this week
M: *neck deep in Kit Kat wrappers* I have a problem

“This is from the both of us”

– my parents giving me mental illness

Its a hippotatomus

At a job interview “What are your strengths?”
“I’m an optimist and a positive thinker”
“Can you give me an example?”
“Yes, when do I start?”

My thoughts are as pure as snow… after the trucks have driven hard and plowed through it.

When the stylist spins you back around

If the Get Out challenge was running straight at people and veering away last second, the Midsommar challenge is just taking your long term boyfriend to see Midsommar

Everyone: Why don’t you have kids?

*points to dead cactus*

I’m just marveling at how the hand towel in my son’s bathroom can be so dirty and yet his doorknob is so wet

My mum is visiting this weekend and she has taken the absolute best photo of the cats.

Walmart customers are classless.

You shouldn’t drink Cabernet from a Pringle’s can.

Those cans are meant strictly for Pinot Noir.

*enters bubble blowing contest
*blows BIG bubble
*guy blows BIGGER bubble
*pulls knife
*pops bubble

(ALWAYS bring a knife to a gum fight.)

People who tell you to get your kids to help don’t understand how kids work

Why be content with those 3 little words when you can have 6.

“Your parcel is out for delivery.”

If they can put a man on the moon they can make a pair of glasses that scream before you sit on them

Getting a text from someone when I’m trying to tweet is the emotional equivalent to walking into a spider web.