Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m sorry I seasoned you while you were taking a nap.

“please feel free to ignore this email” way ahead of you buddy

I just released my own fragrance.

Now everyone in the car is pissed off.

Handed a date my phone so he could pick a place for takeout and Postmates showed him a huge popup that said I ordered soup dumplings 3 days straight then basically said I was the #1 dumpling orderer in the city and asked if I wanted to send a personal message to the restaurant

A customer just told me that it takes a 14 mile run to work off 1 Oreo. Don’t worry she’s dead now

Google just alerted me to light traffic in my area which is odd because I’m in the bathtub.

TRUMP: if elected i’ll build a protective wall. I’ll call it the great wall
*advisor whispers in his ear*
i’ll call it the really great wall

I like to put a banana in each pocket just to confuse people.

My wife’s driver license should say “Brain Donor” because she gives me a piece of her mind daily.

To the guy who turned the entire first floor of his house into a giant ball pit – I will find you, and I will marry you

The only time my kids and I actually agree on anything is when they try to roast me and I reply YO MAMA by accident.

I read an article today about a cat who saved his owner’s life. I’m still trying to teach mine not to vomit hairballs on my bed.

Boss: *swivelling in his chair to greet me as I enter his office* I have a job for you

Me: *sighing* again?

Boss: again

Me: *spins his chair*

Boss: weeeeeeeeeeeeeee

The average parent spends roughly 2.7 years of their life picking up crayons from under restaurant tables.

BF went to text me “almost there”
It came out “almost dead”
So hungover, I wrote back “thank god”
And now he arrived and things are awkward

when someone compliments me

The reason I wrap my potato in tinfoil before baking it is so that the government can’t tell what the potato is thinking

[at the gym]

Friend: This sauna is way too hot!

Me: *slowly slips on jean jacket* Is it cooler now?

After 3 disastrous surgeries I said that’s it no more pretending to be a doctor.

All I wanna do is
*BANG BANG BANG*
And *cash register noise*
And eat some hummus

Baby showers are so weird.

It’s like “hey, congrats on having a functional reproductive system”.

watching gymnastics

My wife set up a spycam and found out my sons “speech impediment” was from 5 years of me talking to him in Borat voice while she was at work

His Holiness the Dalai Lama invited you to play Candy Crush.

Dear diary,

Sorry for only ever talking about myself. How are you? Do you have any hobbies?

It’s a good thing we invented calculus before we invented software patents otherwise every time anyone wanted to calculate the center of a mass we’d have to pay the Newton Estate like 12 cents.

I don’t know why Squirrels are hiding their disgusting acorns when literally no one else eats them

ME: I wish I had antlers
GENIE: You’d look pretty weird being the only one w/ antlers
M: Fine, I wish everyone had antlers
G: Oka-
M: But my antlers are demonstrably superior
G: You know you can wish for non-antler things
M: *Sees my awful neighbor Carl* I wish his antlers sucked