@3sunzzz

1900: Let’s filter coffee.

1950: We need to filter cigarettes.

1970: We should really filter water.

2015: I want to filter my face.

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@shannoncooperox

My 10 year old neighbour just threw a cup of water over my cat who was sitting on the fence minding his own business n laughed so I threw a basin of water over him from the window and now his dad is at my door going mental but I don’t see the problem, don’t touch my cat

@TimFederle

WHAT DO WE WANT?
fewer deadlines!
WHEN DO WE WANT IT?
see, this is the problem

@YourMomsucksTho

I didn’t watch the video you sent I just waited 3 minutes then wrote hahaha

@rachelle_mandik

Whoever made the almond-milk carton the exact same shape as the chicken-broth carton should have to eat this cereal.

@Havish_AF

Social norms ?
We grew up thinking it’s perfectly normal that Tom and Jerry were always naked and only wore swimsuits when at the beach.

@DominicStraw

You left a note on the fridge saying “This isn’t working. Goodbye” but I opened it and it was working perfectly well. I don’t get it.

@Jake_Vig

THERAPIST: You’re cured.

ME: Really?!?

THERAPIST: No, of course not. How did that make you feel?

@PolishWonder79

Oh kids, don’t worry, stories of ghosts and dragons and zombies are all just made up; nobody should actually believe that stuff.

Now go get your shoes on, we’re going to be late for church.

@aotakeo

BRAIN: here comes a compliment guys

HEART: yay!

ANXIETY: idk about this

INSECURITY: [bats it away] close one

@BrettDruck

Being fat is when you watch Jurassic Park and wonder if dinosaur tastes good.