1900: Let’s filter coffee.
1950: We need to filter cigarettes.
1970: We should really filter water.
2015: I want to filter my face.
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Mum was fed up of the squirrels stealing all the bird food so she greased the feeder!
When I was a kid, I had to walk uphill both ways in the snow just to change the TV channel.
I just yelled at some kids to get off my lawn. They were my own kids, but they can find somewhere else to play like everybody else.
My boss asked me why I only get sick on work days.
I said it must be my weekend immune system.
I have a very large selection of hand sanitizers
Me, flirting
“You are now about to witness the STRENGTH of street knowledge,” I tell my Über passengers as I turn off my GPS.
ME: honey, it’s really muggy out today
WIFE: if I go outside & all our mugs are on the front lawn, I’m leaving u
ME: *sips coffee from bowl*
this morning i found a spider trapped in its own web and i was like, dude, same
[Date]
ME: I own a hawk..watch. CLARENCE TO ME
[across town hawk at dinner w/ family]
WIFE:Just dont answer it
HAWK:*sighs* We need this job
Aye. Do dis mean I get 3 wishes or nah
[job interview]
“any public speaking experience?”
not since the valedictorian speech in high school
“very impressive”
I yelled ‘YOU SUCK’
God: eat the green apples but NEVER touch the red ones
Adam & Eve: [brand new humans] what is green and red?
God: eh you’ll figure it out
I was talking to my husband about what it would be like to have a third kid when my 4yo wrapped his little hand in mine and said, “mom, I would be pissed.”
Failure isn’t an option? Just watch me.
Priest: and do you, Lil’ Jon, take this woman to be your lawfully wedded wife?
Lil’ Jon: WHAT
Priest: you say “I do”
Lil’ Jon: OKAY
Priest: I do
Lil’ Jon: OKAY
Priest: I DO
Lil’ Jon: YEAH!
One time I accidentally listened to a John Mayer song & spontaneously generated 2 thumb rings before it was over.
Gonna start lying about my age by adding 20 years so everyone tells me how good I look for my age.
[Romeo below the balcony in 2022]
“I brought chicken”
FYI: I guess the goal of bobbing for apples is not who can drink all the water.
Fun Fact:
Over 23.6% of relationships fail because one of the partners doesn’t like The Princess Bride.
You don’t have to seduce me with restraining orders and joyrides on the hood of your car, you had me at. “No, I was waving at my friend.”
My kids love playing pretend. My 9yo pretends to be a dinosaur and my 13yo pretends she doesn’t know us.
I’ve known my drug dealer since I was this high.
Everybody’s partner buys a new vacuum cleaner when the filter gets dirty, right? Just mine?
1938:
“It’s a bird!”
“It’s a plane!”
“It’s… Superman!”2013:
“Is that a drone?”
“Yeah, it’s probably a drone.”
Wife: I don’t feel like he makes our relationship a priority
Marriage counselor: would you like to respond?
Me: *just absolutely going to town on a calzone*
Understand men, or die trying.
Or try dying.
Or quit trying.
Or lie crying.
Or cry tweeting.Or tweet trying, to understand men.
Our lord and savoury.
The deadliest weapon is the mind. Unless you got a sword or something. Or a gun. If you have a gun, that’s definitely the best choice.