@3sunzzz

1900: Let’s filter coffee.

1950: We need to filter cigarettes.

1970: We should really filter water.

2015: I want to filter my face.

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@Fred_Delicious

*Paul Walker shouts down from the gates of heaven*
“YO DID I GET A MILLION LIKES ON FACEBOOK? THEY WON’T LET ME IN WITHOUT A MILLION LIKES”

@fuckfrrankk

At my funeral take the bouquet off my casket and throw it in the crowd to see who next

@NamestartswithZ

MENTOR: I am now sponsored by Cheetos, but it shan’t affect my wise counsel
ME: How can I become-
MENTOR: Dangerously cheesy? Glad you asked

@PleaseBeGneiss

Waiter: *sets down check*

Me: my treat

Her: thank you so much

Me: *grabbing mint on check* for what

@TheCatWhisprer

[cat support technician]
Me: So you’re here to fix my computer?
Cat: *nods*
Me: Great, here it is.
Cat: *lays on keyboard & falls asleep*

@onion_an

Wife: He keeps his friend close so he doesn’t lose him

Therapist: Not a bad thing

Me [yawns and a bee flies from my mouth]: Come back Alan

@lovstructionist

Pilot [over intercom]: This is your captain speaking, since you are here for 14 hours anyway, here is the first season of my podcast.