1900: Let’s filter coffee.
1950: We need to filter cigarettes.
1970: We should really filter water.
2015: I want to filter my face.
You Might Also Like
smoking a cigarette reduces your life by 11min unless you smoke it real fast then it only takes like 3 or 4
Enough with the fist bumping. I never understand what is happening. This time I held my hands open because I thought he was giving me M&Ms
If chefs ever prepared food on the Moon, their dishes would surely be interesting, but their restaurants would have no atmosphere.
ADAM: oh look the McRib is back
EVE: stop calling me that
Angel: Awww babies are so cute!
God: Make them scream
Angel: W-why?
God: DO I TELL YOU HOW TO DO YOUR JOB CARL?
[girlfriend sleeping over for the first time]
HER: This is nice.
ME: You need to move to the couch. My dog sleeps on that side.
I thought that I heard you laughing.
I thought that I heard you sing.
I think I thought I saw you try to parallel park for twenty minutes.
Can you imagine how rich Adam and Eve would be right now if they would have held on to that Apple stock instead of eating it and incurring the wrath of God?
My cat walks down the steps in front of me like he’s the beneficiary of my life insurance.
imagine teaching an egg cooking class and finding out you have a student named shelly
whatcha thinkin bout
You know that pain which starts at your hip, runs down your leg, out the front door,and goes across the street to the bus stop… I’ve that.
Moaning Myrtle haunting the bathroom but it’s just me after eating Taco Bell.
[at a restaurant]
SERVER: We have several sides you can choose from.
ME: I’m not comfortable picking sides.
me to the dentist: can u make my teeth more how u say al dente
*judge bangs gavel*
Ok let’s reconvene after a quick 20 min recess
*immediately knocks over defense attorney to get to the slide first*
I knew orcas were bad news when one splashed me with water at Sea World in 1987.
Me: (to myself) what is wrong with you
Myself: (to me) oh like you don’t know
My favorite thing to do at a rock and roll concert is to yell “kiss, kiss, kiss” every time the guitarists stand close together and face each other to riff
I used the words skulduggery and malfeasance in a tweet today and it made me feel inordinately happy.
It was in this tweet, but that still counts right?
DAD: Look at this mess! Are you trying to attract ants?
ME: [bench pressing 10x my weight] Did they say something?
I’m just playing devils avocado here
Look what the cat dragged in!
*freaks out remembering I don’t have a cat and house was built on top of a pet cemetery*
I believe the children are our future. Teach them well and let them lead the way.
Husband: Your too much of a perfectionist. I want a divorce.
Me: (through tears)”you’re”
(using my powers as an empath) this dungeon… it has bad vibes
Me: Is your friend coming or what?
16yo son: I don’t know. He’s not answering his texts.
Me: Why don’t you call him?
Son: I don’t know what that is.
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: Do you think his parents looked at him as a baby and said “You look like an Engelbert Humperdinck”?
You know how sometimes girls wear fake glasses because they think it makes them look cute? I’m going to wear a fake monocle so people will think I’m evil
I need to find a way to politely tell the new girl that- how can I put this delicately?- aliens can smell her perfume in space.