Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“My pleasure, doll”
“My pleasure doll”

Commas can make a world of difference…

If I stay in bed too long my sheets eventually detach from the corner of my mattress like my bed is patting me on the back to let me know the hug is over.

Be a deer and get shot in the woods for me?

I just took out a second mortgage on my house in case I get hungry at the airport tomorrow.

For the longest time I never saw the word “petri dish” written so thought my science teacher was saying “pastry dish” and imagined big glass brownie pans being used in labs across the country

Those “free hugs” people sure do get upset when you ask them what $20 will get you.

Alanis: I’m ready for this knife fight!

*Pulls out 10000 spoons*

After years of the wife complaining about me wearing the same boring underwear I decided to surprise her by jazzing up my ‘lingerie’ collection.

So I bought a second pair.

Can’t, busy teaching a toddler gang signs.

Me: We need some ham.

Her: I just bought a pound of ham yesterday.

Me: Are you going to judge me, or are you going to buy some ham?

Dear Mom and Dad: Camp is awful and I want to go home. They haven’t let us go swimming even once, and I hate the orange jumpsuits they make us wear. Also, the counselors are mean and my cabin mate says he’s going to shank me. Making license plates is fun, though. Love, John.

ADIDAS: All Day I Dream About Sellingfeetpics

A lot of people look at Russian roulette as a negative game, but statistically it’s actually one of the only games you can’t lose twice

ok, hypothetically, if I stop to smell the roses, will I have to bend down to smell the roses or are these roses already at nose height

I have passed 4 levels of the interview process for a new job, and the final step is a personality assessment, so that’s unfortunate.

I think that at least twice a week it should be acceptable to fall asleep with your clothes on and change to your pj’s to go to work

Every fancy restaurant now is just named after two ingredients you’d never eat together. It’s always like “Basil and Butterscotch” or “Honey and Clam.”

ME: *Buying unnecessary & expensive gadget*

CASHIER: How will you be paying for this?

ME: Probably with an argument and no sex for a month

My Dad hasn’t had to buy Irish Spring bar soap in years, when I was 9 he found a pallet on sale at Meijer for 19 cents a bar and one day I will inherit the reminder of the 900 bar purchase.

“Avocado Kedavra”

-Harry Potter before tuning his enemies into guacamole

waiter: have you decided

me: yes, we’ll have the garbage bag that smells like scraps of salmon and coffee grinds

my date, who is a raccoon: perfect

Coffee beans are grinding. Even they get more action than I do

[lights 2019 calendar on fire]

Now you can’t hurt anyone any more.

[wind blows calendar onto my coat; I’m engulfed in flames]

Lord of the Rings is wild cuz Gandalf told Frodo he had to go on a super dangerous journey and Frodo was like “ok can I bring my gardener”?

I just heard some kind of young person on the radio reviewing a song, referring to “that old retro sound from about 2005”, so, if anyone needs me, I’ll be screaming into a pillow until some blood comes out.

Cat: LET ME OUTSIDE RIGHT NOW LET ME OUT RIGHT NOW!
Me: *Staggers out of bed. Opens door*
Cat: *lies down on doormat*: You are dismissed.

“stop letting someone live in your head rent free”

other people: okay, you’re right. i will stop letting them live in my head.

me: I MUST FIND A WAY TO MAKE THEM PAY THE RENT

People make the mistake of keeping aubergines in the fridge, when in fact they should be kept in the bin

The royal family has an opening for a prince and you better believe I’m sending out feelers.

‘I’ve been a very naughty girl!’ she said, licking her lips, ‘I need to be punished . . .’
So he invited his mother to stay for Christmas.