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As we lie in bed at 4am I know you’re looking at me thinking you’ve struck gold. Your hand reaches towards me and I slap it away from the cheese that just fell onto my chest.
“No” I shout through a mouthful of cold pizza “mine”
nude beaches are out, nude libraries are in
The best plant holders?
Starting to think that adult supervision is a myth. In fact, my eyes seem to be getting worse.
HER: I wish I lived in the 20s
ME: no u dont
HIM: right bc they had no womens rights
M[was going to say bc they didnt have Netflix]: exactly
To the twenty something year old girls who think forty something year old women are jealous of them- enjoy your next 240 periods!
[Planning a heist]
ME: Did you scope the place out?
PARTNER: Yes, they have two armed guards
ME: So we’re evenly matched in terms of limbs
I’m being forced to attend a family dinner tonight at a priest’s house…
There’s no such thing as a surprise exorcism, right?
Not my mom telling me she still talk to my ex because I still talk to her ex… Mam that’s my DAD
Let’s ask the Ouija board a question. Is my wife’s meatloaf good? *pointer moves to NO* You see, Debra? No I did not move it myself
The pastor’s sermon went on so long that even Jesus got up and walked out.
ME: *movie trailer voice* coming this summer…
WIFE: not if you keep that shit up.
Her: It must be difficult raising a child on your own.
Me: *lifting kid up* Nah its easy, dummy.
I have one son that loves to refurbish cars. He doesn’t get it from me, I don’t even vacuum.
Listen, if you are going to someone’s house for Thanksgiving, compliment their baseboards. That is what they are spending today cleaning
Something about watching Catfish makes me wanna catfish someone so bad and I don’t think that’s what they’re going for
i’m so old i’m almost back in style
ICEBERG: heard about ernie?
ICEBERG 2: yep…clobbered by a cruise ship
ICEBERG: gotta be careful—damn things are 86% hidden above the surface
My kids trying to pick up the name brand hamburger buns like they think we are millionaires or something
Me: My name is Helen and I think I may be an alcoholic
Insurance Agent: Lady this is AAA, not AA
Me: Oh I know. I’m just telling you the story of how my car ended up in a tree
I babysat for the first time and it was just non-stop screaming. Next time I’ll look before I lie down on the couch.
I think you misunderstood–when I said, “Let me look into it” that meant, “I don’t know exactly how to tell you no just yet”
*reads recipe and sees “raisins”
Well, that’s not going to happen.
Person: How are you going to get over this curb?
Me [from my wheelchair]: I don’t know. This curb and I have been through a lot together.
Whenever I lose my mind, I always look
for it in the refrigerator first
My 3yo isn’t very original when it comes to naming his stuffed animals… Kitty, Brown Bear, Bunny, etc. So why should I be surprised he named the turtle “Turdy?”
[blind date]
OK don’t let her know you’re a remote control“Your eyes are beau-
*sinks into seat crevice, lost for weeks*DAMMIT NOT AGAIN
I saw a product for cars today called “Rapid Odor Removal,” and everyone who buys it should be put on an FBI watchlist.
Must. Not. Reply. To. That. Rhetorical. Question, Ahhh.
Ok, the temptation passed. You’re safe.