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Me: What the hell do you want?
Him: Um, YOU called ME.
Him: You smell nice. What is that?
Me: [twirling my hair] Cough drops
[watching Friends]
NIECE: I love this show
ME: aw I loved it when I was ten too *ruffles her hair* you are gonna have such unrealistic expectations for how close your adult friendships will be
me: [wondering if i she can tell i lied about my job]
the woman cutting my hair: ocean king sounds stressful
me: it can be
The note on this boxed wine says ‘Fresh up to 6 weeks after opening’
6 weeks. lol.
I bet the first mohawk was created by a guy trying to even out his sideburns.
It sucks when something bad happens to someone you hate. Nobody will let you gloat. It’s like you can’t even enjoy your own joy.
Taking out my contact lenses after eating Buffalo wings will always make me dance.
me: i just love traveling!
my basketball coach: that’s what i want to talk to you about
I think I speak for all of us when I say I’m being presumptuous.
*In Hospital*
Me: So nurse, when are you giving me my sponge bath? *slow wink*
Nurse: Right after I administer your enema you didn’t need until just now. *slower wink, snaps gloves*
Art by Pastelkatto
Wheel of Fortune contestants in Canada should get to buy more vowels.
Why should I have to stop talking about my ex, a relationship that ended a mere year ago, when Hollywood won’t stop making movies about world war 2, a war that ended like 20 years ago?
IF YOU THINK IM GONNA SMILE BECAUSE IT REQUIRES FEWER MUSCLES YOUVE GOT ANOTHER THING COMING. NO OFF DAYS, WELCOME TO FROWN TOWN, BABY
“Don’t play with your food,” I say to a toddler eating crackers shaped like farm animals.
scared the mailman today by coming to the door naked.
Not sure if he was more surprised by that or that I knew where he lived…
i wonder if fewer people would eat Rabbit Stew if it was instead called Bunny Rabbit Stew.
I’m sorry that your Facebook personality quiz matched you up with a rice cake.
I just looked over at my new shoes and the box says “vegan”. I’ve never had to feed my other shoes before
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Shhh!-Librarians arguing
I’m never gonna tell the person I’m meeting up with that you said hi.
If someone did a lot of murders but you don’t know who, have me go on a single date with every possible suspect and the person I like the most is 100% the killer.
My kid dropped his apple slices and I asked if he wanted me to help him pick up, he said “no thank you, you can do it by yourself”
My wife has so many different sighs they should have subtitles.
Me: oh no please stop stabbing me
Murderer: your sarcasm is ruining this
I could never do time in prison – The handshakes are way too complicated.
A little known historical fact is that Alexander the Great had a younger brother named Bob the Pretty Okay
I read that the smarter a woman is, the harder it is for her to find a man.
MENSA should be calling me any minute, apparently.
I packed 5 oranges in 5 different lunches today and all five oranges came back home. Apparently, I send fruit on field trips.