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wise man 1:
wise man 2:
wise man 3:
me: you said we weren’t doing big gifts
wise man 1: why would a baby need an olive garden gift card—
me: WHY WOULD A BABY NEED MYRRH??
Bros before Ohioes
Wife: Give me $50
Me: Can’t, it’s all tied up in our long-term investment strategy
W: Eh?
M: Gave it all to a psychic for next week’s winning lottery numbers
W: IDIOT
M: Knew she was good, that’s exactly what she predicted you’d say!
W: I despise you
Good morning to everyone except the parent in my 6yo’s class who paid out ten dollars as the tooth fairy.
When did the tooth fairy stop leaving four shiny quarters per tooth? In the same glass the tooth was in? I’m not busting into my kid’s college fund to hire an event coordinator and pay an imaginary glitter witch to be invisible for five minutes.
Have your tribal tattoo call my tramp stamp and let’s make beautiful, douchey babies together.
When I die , I want to be thrown out of a plane wearing a Superman costume.
Me: *showing photos on my phone* that’s my daughter in her play, and that’s my son covered in mud
Colleague without kids: *pointing at his phone* this is me in the Bahamas, and that’s my Porsche
Me: Let’s not do this anymore
*a guy sneezes*
*i scramble to put on a fake mustache*
“BLESS YOU”
*rolls eyes* thanks kyle *deep sigh* youre a–
“IM A BLESSING IN DISGUISE”
This Roomba was a great investment. It vacuums, saves time, and in a pinch can be used as a babysitter.
“Oh heyyy youuu. How are YOU doing? How’s your… stuff? I haven’t seen you in… time.”
-I say to the person I don’t remember.
is frankincense just very honest incense?
If this doughnut and ice cream are going to take years off my life, could I have them remove 2001-2003?
5: There’s a werewolf in my closet.
Me: Nah. Werewolves don’t live in closets.
5: Where do werewolves live?
Me: Um…warehouses.
me: I’m stuck in a time loop
friend: *sighing* is your watch on too tight
me: my watch is on too tight 🙂
*buys a new treat for my dog*
*dog refuses to eat*
Me: *gives it a bite* mmm it’s delicious, try one
‘If more than one mouse is mice,
then more than one Spouse is Spice.’
Roses are red
Violets are blue
I need a nap,
and a cheeseburger too.
If anyone needs some loose IKEA parts, let me know. Also, if you’re ever at my apartment, I’d avoid sitting on or touching any of my furniture.
If anyone asks why I’m not in a relationship I’m going to tell them it’s due to supply chain shortages.
[Job Interview]
INTERVIEWER: This isn’t exactly a glowing reference
ME: You’re supposed to read it in the dark stupid
A good response to any question is “what do you plan to do with this information”, especially at a McDonald’s drive-through
Having no tattoos in 2014, is like having tattoos in 1967.
Even if you don’t pay, they’ll usually let you go through a car wash at least once a day without a car.
No one is more full of crap than a parent who threatens to take away electronics for a week.
*gets taste of own medicine*
Yep this is my medicine
Dance like you know what you’re supposed to do with your arms while dancing
Policeman: Name please?
Woman: Cheryl Cole
Policeman: Your FULL name
Woman: (quietly) Chernobyl Coleslaw
(When someone insults something you like.)
“Sources?? In triplicate! My honor demands nothing less!”
(When someone insults something you hate.)
“This RandomUser654788433 fellow certainly makes good points.”
tossing the phrase “slappery slope” into the discourse like a beach ball and moonwalking away
[interrogation]
“Where were u on the nite of the 5th?”
Stabbing a guy.
“Louder for the tape.”
[leans in]
Grabbing a pie. I went out for pie.