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me: ahh vacation
brain: time to relax
me: no work
brain: well it’s still there
me: stop
brain: just… waiting
me: please
brain: g r o w i n g
me: no
*puts a Santa hat on your Halloween decorations*
“Whale, whale, whale, what do we have here?”
~ God, doing whale inventory & coming across an unexpected non-whale after counting three whales.
“I can hear my annoying neighbor crying to Adele’s new song as she throws away her empty, clinking beer bottles.”
– my neighbor
HER: OMG Thats not going to fit
HIM: Just relax. I’ll go slow
HER: If you’re sure…
HIM: [severely damages surrounding cars while parking]
That prank where you roll the windows down as you go through a carwash so your friends get soaked isn’t as funny when you do it by yourself
Boss: You need supervision.
Me: *squints really, really hard*
Asked my 10yo where she was going to hide her candy so her sister couldn’t find it, and she said “my mouth” and rolled her eyes because ask a stupid question.
Super irresponsible to host a murder mystery party when real murders go unsolved
What she said: wanna share some nachos?
What I heard: wanna race to see who can eat the most nachos?
I am on a diet. This is just my cheat decade
“I told Stu that he’d had too much to drink,” said one of the four, asking not to be identified, “he had no business being behind the wheel.”
Sing me a song you’re the piano man / clean out my pool you’re the gardener /now light up my room you’re a ceiling fan
Highway to Hell is my favorite song about walking down the aisle.
[Japan]
HEAD SCIENTIST: Hey, what did you guys do with all the nuclear waste?
*distant Godzilla noises*
Cashier: What kind of lettuce is this?
Me: Apples!
*removes “works well under pressure” from resume*
squirrel mom: Remember what I told you
squirrel son: “Always look both ways before I finish crossing the street”
Him: When I break something, I fix it… you should try this sometime.
Me: Uhhh I take the kids to therapy thank you very much.
For as long as that song was, you’d think the Ghost Busters would have mentioned their phone number at least once…
Good News: Got rid of the skunk smell on the cat using hydrogen peroxide, dishsoap & baking soda
Bad News: the cat now looks like Billy Idol
I’m terrible with names…
…just ask my daughter Barry
I want my kids to know they can always talk to me about anything going on in their lives.
Except Fortnite.
I bet at least ONE of Leonardo DiCaprio’s friends has called him Leotard. Probably Mark Wahlberg…
A fun game is to put on an orange vest and direct traffic.
My son screamed “watch out dad” in the crosswalk bc of a blatantly obvious car 😭. I said thanks. He said, “i couldnt let my dad get squished bc i might not like my step dad”
The problem with Quotes on #Twitter is that… it is so difficult to tell if they are Genuine – William Shakespeare
I don’t always leave the house, but when I do I shouldn’t.
the most unrealistic thing about stranger things is how max was the only character who was advised to seek psychological help
