Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I hope my dog doesn’t turn out weird because she’s being homeschooled.

Familiarity with a stranger might mean they’re an old soul you knew in a former life.

But it’s more likely a sociopath.

~Inspirational

[deserted Island]

other survivor: we should only use our water for emergencies

me: *waiting on my sponge dinosaurs to expand* obviously

AirBnB is fun for when you want to be financially abused by a stranger with a binder filled with rules.

pet owners be like “this is my pet john but their nicknames are booboo and thicky boy ”

Flirting is a way of life, the moment you stop is when you’re dead … then your spouse cleans the gun and places it in your hand.

Boss: I’ve been told one of you is just a robot car in disguise

*everyone stares at me, even Optimus who is drinking oil instead of coffee*

Being a parent of multiple kids sometimes feels like being an unqualified judge in the most pointless trial you can imagine

30 is the new 20 until you hang out with 20 yr olds.

Been coming here every day for six years and I’m starting to lose hope.

When you look up from your phone only to realize that the woman at the grocery store you’ve been following is not your wife.

Having a crush is weird bc one minute you’re a normal person and then out of nowhere you’re like damn I wanna bake that boy a pie

1. Rage against the machine.
2. Check to make sure machine is plugged in.
3. Apologize to the toaster for the misunderstanding.

a kindergarten class was at the library on a field trip along with the normal morning baby/toddler crowd and i looked over to see some kids petting one of the babies on the head like a dog. the teacher was like “that’s not your baby!!! leave that baby alone!!!”

Oh, horrific shit happened in a little town where no one locked their doors? You don’t say?

Don’t tell me I look tired unless you’re offering to carry me

*Caterpillar marriage therapy*

Wife: he’s not the man I married

Husband flying around room: I’m the same on the inside Karen!!!

car not found

i haven’t exaggerated in like a million years

Sometimes my memory is not quite as good as my forgettery.

Putting peanut butter on all my fingers before I go to bed so I can have a snack later.

Priest: Do you take this woman to be your wife?
Me: “I do”
Priest: Ok can you say it again without using finger quotes while you do it

4-year-old: Are goats real?

Me: Of course they are. I can show you some if you want.

4: *runs away*

Apparently she was saying “ghosts.”

Me: Got my finger stuck in this beer bottle.
Wife: How?!
M: Just help me.
W: Have you tried butter?
M: It’s delicious. Now will you help me?

You’re not bald my friend. You are just taller than your hair.

The wife’s clearing out the fridge before vacation so I’ve a pork chop, 3 slices of ham and 6 bacon rashers for dinner. The sad thing is knowing I can never again love her as intensely as I do right now.

[finishing dinner]

her: should we stay for dessert, or you want to back to my place for that 😉

me: *scanning the menu* do you have chocolate souffle at your place?

her: no, but-

me: let’s stay

Next time I get a pat-down at TSA I’m gonna tear off my ascot, suggestively peel off my reversible belt, and yell, “IS THIS WHAT YOU WANTED, BRIAN? IS IT?”

The first rule of fight club is to ask her, “Is that what you’re wearing?”