Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

WIFE: You’re very quiet. What are you thinking?

ME: Did Smurfette call them her bluebs?

WIFE: Sometimes it’s ok to say ‘nothing’.

No vegetables were harmed in the making of tonight’s dinner.

[stands in church]
Geese be with you
[hands neighbor a beautiful goose]
And also w/you
[he hands me a different yet equally beautiful goose]

My neighbor asked me to plant a carrot in her garden and it was not a euphemism.

I have to go pack now. The movers are here.

As a girl who grew up with an annoying little sister the most unrealistic thing about Frozen is how Elsa never tried to kill Anna on purpose

My wife didn’t tell me I was on speakerphone and now her coworker smelly Kelly knows we call her smelly Kelly.

There’s a tornado warning and we’re about to hop into our blow up pool. If you see us fly by, please don’t hesitate to say hello.

[first date]
“So… you didn’t mention that you’re trapped in 230 million year old amber.”
[my motionless eyes glint within my golden shell]

“We can argue all day about the rights and wrongs, Barbara, but it won’t change the fact that we’re out of toilet paper”

Should my wife be taking this long to finish the corn maze she entered on Halloween?

Thanks, spell check, that’s what I meant: Edgar Allen Pie.

When you’re an inflight safety pamphlet designer who definitely knows what babies look like

Anytime someone throws a Great Gatsby themed party, I have to assume they never finished the book.

What do you mean normal people don’t remove their pants to eat dinner

Interviewer: Your resume says that you’re good at multitasking

[me while painting nails]: Obvi

Interviewer: Please stop touching my nails

If the way I shelled this hard boiled egg is any indication of how the rest of the day will go, I should just climb back into bed.

[on unemployment]
WIFE: So what’d you do all day?
[the dog walks by dressed as a spider]
ME: Looked for a job

I’m texting hubs a grocery list one item at a time so he can experience his phone blowing up

just realizing what a disservice it is to limit my kids screen time because they could become influencers and fund the rest of my life

Me: *throwing random stick outside* Damn kids.

[LATER]

Husband: Where’d my stick go?

Hearing a toddler say “uh oh” from a different room: cheaper than joining a gym and just as effective a workout

Get in the van!

me?…*winks* OK, It will be unpleasant, but worth it- hey! Where are you going?!

*jogs after van*

i wonder if fewer people would eat Rabbit Stew if it was instead called Bunny Rabbit Stew.

Delilah: Hey
Jude: Hey there

I enjoy long walks on the beach and that thing you just did with that banana.

Welcome to your 40s, your level of cleaning is directly related to whether your guest can see without readers.

CEO: we need to cut legal in half

Legal: i’m the only one here

CEO: yep

“shark infested waters”…. you mean their home????😭

sitcoms would be a lot more believable if they had 5 loads of laundry waiting to be folded on the sofa

Coating a few marbles in melted chocolate to mix in with my Whoppers as a surprise for future me.