Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If I were a DJ I would just play true crime podcasts.

Teachers at the pre-school ask why I’m in a good mood in the morning…

I’m like, “Duh…did you not see me just leave my kids with you?”

I carpool with a guy & we have officially run out of things to talk about. Today he commented on how well-made the road was. I agreed.

This “violence in the workplace” seminar is only teaching us what we shouldn’t do. No fighting techniques or anything.

Ran into an old friend who said that they thought I was dead. It was nice catching up.

Oh my god don’t get heckled by British soccer fans. I didn’t even do anything and 150 of them just chanted my bank login and password back to me to the tune of Wonderwall. Are you kidding me

I got a raw meat sandwich that I really don’t like so I swallowed it completely.

*Area 51*
Me: Hi
Female Alien: I have a boyfriend

Axl Rose: You know where you are? You’re in the jungle, baby

Tarzan: yeah but why are you here.

Be romantic. Send her a dozen of red flags 🤨

Me *walks in a perfectly straight line and then smiles at cop* told you I could do it!

Cop: you’re still getting arrested for murder though

If my memory gets any worse I’ll be able to plan my own surprise party

Cyclists who think you’re both a car AND a pedestrian.

Explain yourselves.

nicole kidman being in a film called babygirl is actually perfect cause it’s like another version of her last name

I put my slacks on just like everyone else, from a waterslide into the loving yet frighteningly powerful arms of my pet minotaur Ferdinand

Science Lesson: A baking dish that’s been in a 400 degree oven, is also 400 degrees and you shouldn’t touch it.

Follow me for more fitness tips.

I didn’t know my apartment shared a wall with the elevator shaft until someone got off in my bedroom.

Somebody asked me if I could go back in time if I would kill baby Hitler. Hold up. Hitler was a baby? This shit just keeps getting crazier

Watson: “Holmes, why are you wrapped in a thin aluminium sheet?”
Holmes: “DAMMIT, FOILED AGAIN!”

Friend: “Did you bring condoms?”

Me: “No need. If I’m drunk enough to talk to a girl, I’m way too drunk to get it up.”

I’m going to open a food truck that sells chicken sandwiches. Park it next to Chick-fil-A and open it only on Sundays

It will be called Side Chick.

[their last appetizer]

Her: I don’t want it. You have it.

Him: I don’t want it either, you…

Me: *reaches onto their table and takes it

Looking for a get well soon card but they’re all so inspirational and sappy why not something simple like “I hope you make it through this but if not say what’s up to god for me”

Enrique Iglesias wants to
1. Be your hero
2. Kiss away your pain
3. Stand by you forever
Enrique Iglesias is your mother

[eye doctor’s office]

receptionist: do you have vision insurance

me: yup *hands over card*

receptionist: this is your health insurance card vision is separate

me: but my eyes are in my body

receptionist:

me: and they’re unhealthy

Me: You should really try this lip gloss
Her: this is super glue
Me: HEAR ME OUT

I’m glad my office has this giant shredder because otherwise I don’t know what I’d do with all this work.

COME ON KRUSE #fencing

Me: *drops toddler off at gym daycare*

DC: Which room will you be working out in?

Me: None of them, I just need to take a shower.