[1907. the first convenience store opens]
GUY WHO INVENTED INCONVENIENCE STORES: damn
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a tiny insect just tried to fly into my eye then immediately died on the bathroom sink, guys I think it saw my brain
My 7 year old: *staring at my face*
Me: What is it, sweetie?
My 7 year old: Is my nose weird, too?
Kids are delightful.
THE HORROR!
*splat
THE TRAGEDY!
*splat
IT’S AWFUL!
*splat
SO MUCH BLOOD!
*splat
WHY IS THIS HAPPENING?!
*splat-It’s raining men.
Helena Bonham Carter eats eight spiders a day. Not in her sleep, just whenever.
[Wedding Open Bar in my 20s]
Woohoo! Imma get sooo wasted!![Wedding Open Bar in my 40s]
Woohoo! Imma save maybe $11!
Me: You can’t fire me!
My circus boss: Just get in the cannon
You smell amazing. Like a hotdog.
– Me, flirting.
My 10 yr old thinks I expect too much out of her.
I told her we could discuss it when she gets home from work.
Cats don’t have owners, cats take people hostage in order to feed them …
Me: I want to be like Hemingway.
Friend: a writer?
Me: no. An alcoholic.
something america actually gets right is our commitment to air conditioning and ice cubes in drinks. like yeah healthcare would be nice but my god, room temperature water is an abomination
looking at weird sushi roll names and uh
My wife still brings up that one time in 2013 I was indecisive about which shirt to wear, after her water broke
Jesus: I don’t wanna stay with Mary and Joseph this weekend
God: you know the deal, you can live here with me but Christmas & Easter you stay with them
Jesus: Christmas and what?
God: what
[Morgue]
Cop: Sir, I know it’s tough but we need you to ID the bodyMe looking at corpse: *takes deep breath* Are—are you over 21?
The only time I ever make a good call is when I order pizza
holiday horror movie idea: you have 10 days to complete a completely reasonable task that takes 20 minutes to do
I’ll never understand why anyone would want to kidnap a child, kids suck.
My family doctor says “you really need to lose weight,” and my witch doctor says “moh ki kaa raa.” I think I’ll just moh ki kaa raa tbh.
I’m ready for Halloween this year
My wife recently got into a minor car accident with my kids in the car. When I arrived at the scene to check on them, the policeman was super nice and gave my crying kids free ice cream coupons.
He then gave me an attitude when I asked for a coupon too.
I wore a beanie hat in public and people kept trying to buy drugs from me. I made $1200 but now I’m out of breath mints.
Waiter: Fresh pepper, sir?
Me: Yes, please.
Pepper: Honey, I’m as single as a dollar and I’m not lookin’ for change.
Attack today with a positive attitude. Absolutely destroy it with good vibes. Murder its family with hope.
ME: Honey, I bought a Pet Rock
WIFE: A WHAT?
ME: Shhh, you’ll make him nervous
DWAYNE JOHNSON: *already peeing all over the carpet*
Sheep
584.
It’s been a horrible day. This morning my ex got ran over by a fed ex truck. Then I lost my job at fed ex.
Establish dominance over your children by whining louder
There are two versions of every story and the drunk one is usually the better one