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what’s the proper waiting period after your spouse is kidnapped until you can resume watching your Netflix shows without it being a thing
“Steak and Shake” great burgers and also a good way to kill baby vampires.
If theres an otter, youre underwater. If a ferret you see, then on land you be.
The mid 90s teen aesthetic is making a comeback and I’m here for it- as a 40 year old who’s never actually outgrown the phase
Nothing like suddenly seeing a spider on the ceiling to make you realize you don’t need a nap anyway.
[Michael Cera knocked backwards by ejecting toast]
I once put a cigarette out on someone’s arm for telling me that we didn’t evolve from giant centipedes. I graduated college, I know things.
Today’s workout. 7 x 4 min intervals, 90 min walk. Participated in polar bear swim. Banned from the zoo.
Merry Christmas. The three wise men.
waiter: want to hear our lunch specials?
me: sure
waiter: we have a caesar salad, clam chowder, or club sandwich
me: those things are on the normal menu
waiter: yes but right now you can get them $18
me: they’re usually $12
waiter: today they’re special
me: let’s go to bed earlier like responsible adults
brain: great idea[10pm]
me: so do we just like lay here or what
brain: i have no idea
Gandalf: NONE SHALL PASS
Pharmacist: in that case I suggest prune juice, it’s a great natural laxative
Wife: WHERE IS THE PACK OF HERSHEY BARS I WAS GOING TO USE FOR S’MORES
Me [mouth full, face covered in chocolate]: we wer gunna haf smors?!
*pretends to get an urgent text so I can turn around after I notice I’m walking in the wrong direction*
I want a sandwich in the streets and a sandwich in the sheets.
Lord, give me the confidence and attitude of my toddler at dance class. Amen
I signed up to bring fruit for my toddler’s holiday party at daycare. It turns out the class’s favorite fruit is blueberries which need to be cut into quarters, and I should have signed up to bring cookies.
No matter how badly you need the money, never take a loan from the gulls. They can’t be reasoned with, and they will find you.
Most embarrassing thing a human being can experience is publicly unrequited love. Second is having the noisy grocery cart.
I finally got eight hours sleep. Took me four days but whatever.
My resolution this year was to learn Spanish, and that only lasted about dos weekos.
Is not cake Is cake
But IS cake But is NOT cake
Boy, are you a protractor because with all your measured angles and collected numbers you’re such a transparent tool.
Most guys that think they know everything about women usually lack one thing…. A woman.
This water sounds like a sexually transmitted infection you get from a gentle breeze blowing up your shorts.
me: hmm…that’s a real head-scratcher…I don’t know there are significant pros and cons to each choice…maybe I should make a spreadsheet and do a cost analysis…
netflix, impatiently: dude, just pick something already
There’s nothing to stop you from whispering “I’m in!” like a hacker when you enter your own email password.
murderer: I’m going to bury you alive
me: ok, I thought you were going to kill me
Don’t follow your dreams, I did once and ended up naked in the supermarket.
Boss: Lunch meeting, let’s go.
Me: Do I have to?
Boss: Free food and unlimited alcohol.
Me: *moonwalks to the car*