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Getting a man to do something I’m perfectly capable of doing.
Too embarrassed to buy “skinny jeans”?
Simply buy normal jeans and put on a shitload of weight.
Motherhood is like being a fireman putting out fires but everyone is shouting out how you’re doing it wrong and criticizing your sweatpants.
[first date]
Me: that is hilarious
Date: …
Me: wait, bread or dead?
Date: how would my parents be bread?
My superpower is turning “never again” to “ok, one more time”
Trying to convince my wife I said “adieu,” instead of “I do,” at our wedding, but she’s not buying it.
Me: Loving this juice cleanse.
Wife: That’s sangria.
The past couple of nights, I’ve been partying like it’s 1999. But it’s not 1999. It’s 2018, and my body is furious.
just saw a guy pull down his sunglasses and look at a firetruck go by like a sexy lady in an 80s movie
Whoever taught my five-year-old daughter how to “air quote,” I need to speak with you privately.
Good: being told by your friends that you have a big heart
Bad: being told by your doctor that you have a big heart
cop: do you know why I pulled you over?
me: I’m not psychic, Craig
cop: my name is Greg
me: I work at Starbucks
My current wife doesn’t like my use of adjectives
My mom always used to give me a card on Valentine’s Day when I was a kid. She stopped doing it when we broke up.
People need to stop with the crime, some of us don’t want to do jury duty because you can’t act right.
If you ever come across a bear in the wild, throw a tiny bicycle at him.
Then, just let his circus instincts take care of the rest.
[interview]
So what’s a personal strength?
“Honesty.”
And a failing?
“I murder people who don’t hire me.”
every single time
[party]
ME: I’m uncomfortable
BF: Just mingle
ME: Do I introduce myself?
BF: We’re at your family reunion
Just walking down the “Gluten Free” aisle, secretly dropping boxes of Twinkies in everyone’s carts.
Dec 24: Christmas Eve
Dec 25: Christmas Day
Dec 26: Boxing Day
Dec 27-30: Every day feels like a Sunday, proof that time is a social construct
Dec 31: New Year’s Eve
Jan 1: New Year’s Day
Jan 2: Reality hits
I before E except after C…and on Old McDonald’s farm.
I guess cinco de mustard didn’t have the same ring to it
I just found out it only costs about $100 to change your name!!!
Say hello to Ninja Firequeef!
it’s funny they call them “unidentified flying objects”. I could identify them right away. those are ufos
“I take pride in my job. I transport the worlds most precious cargo”
-oh, u drive a school bus?
“LMAO Hell no! I’m a drug smuggler u nerd”
[eulogy]
My dear wife spent her life turning up the thermostat. I think she would have been thrilled that I had her cremated.
*1776
Jefferson)How do we gain our independence from England?
Washington)Let’s blow shit up
Jefferson)Great! How do we celebrate if we win
Washington)Let’s blow shit up
Jefferson)I like it
I’m supposed to take an antibiotic one hour before or 2-3 hours after eating, and literally such a time does not exist
it’s cool how the members of Anonymous are so good at computer stuff, but also wrote so many great poems and inspirational quotations.