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Relationship status:
My neighbour/girlfriend was kidnapped but she’s ok now, I was caught.
I found a baggie of coke while out walking my dogs. I knew adopting the retired police K-9 would pay off.
I was not prepared for the back-to-school chaos this morning. “GRAB YOUR LUNCHES AND GET OUT OF MY HOUSE!” was something I said. Along with, “Have a great first day sweethearts! I will miss you so much!” Being one of my kids must be so confusing. Mommy loves you but please go.
Interviewer: Under “work history” it just says “content creator.” Care to elaborate on that?
Victor Frankenstein: No.
A no carb diet can make you detached, remote and standoffish so occasionally you should eat aloof of bread.
Halloween is the perfect time to trick people into believing you aren’t really going to use that ice pick you’re carrying around.
Who called them “homo erectus'” and not… Wait, that’s actually pretty funny. Good job guy who named them “homo erectus'”
Don’t change, I hate you just the way you are.
My mom’s 60-something friend was set up with a 67-year-old guy who is “not looking for anything serious” in case you think that ever ends
Parenting is being woken up at midnight to answer “mumma if sharks don’t have bones how do they have skeletons?”
I come from a time when my belly was flat and my TV was fat
Now my TV is flat and my belly is…OOOOO LOOK OREO’s
the nerve of a majority of people i meet being younger than me. how dare them
i cannot relate to all these YA main characters that have the focus and determination to complete their little tasks and save the world. after about two weeks when the hyperfixation of it wore of, i’d let the planet die bc i discovered knitting
OMG IT’S GOING TO KILL US ALL!!
~ My dog every time I use a broom
Not helping
Why do they have the Met gala on a monday? the celebs probably have to come straight from from work
Voodoo map
The main problem with having a tattoo is that whenever you go to a small town there’s always a slight chance that the locals will have a prophecy about an outsider bearing that exact mark.
“Do you know what the fear of belly buttons is called?”
“Omphalophobia.”
“Why do you know that?!?”
“I studied at the Navel Academy.”
PARAMEDIC: this man needs a transfusion
JESUS: i got this *turns water into wine*
PARAMEDIC: he doesn’t need wine he needs blood
JESUS: this is my blood
There is no cool way to zip up your pants during a meeting.
What happens in the microwave, stays in the microwave.
when i was in elementary school we learned about a shape called a rhombus & that was the last time i ever heard about that shape ever again
Pumpkins are so versatile, they can be made into pies, lattes, carriages…
If I could travel back in time to change anything I would go back 15 minutes and stop myself from agreeing to play with my toddler.
Until I became a parent I had never heard a human cry because they bumped their head on the roof of a blanket fort
Little did she know she had fallen into my trap when I pissed her off so much that she threw her Snickers bar at me.
{Invention of the boomerang}
HIM: I regret throwing away my favorite stic—omg, yay.
If two wrongs don’t make a right, I might as well try for three.
“How do you do, fellow birds?”
