The possibility of there being cake will greatly affect my interest and/or possible involvement.
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(3am, my kid wakes up)
Me: *Pretends to be asleep*
My wife: *Pretends to be more asleep*
Me: *Pretends to be even more asleep*
My wife: *Pretends to be even way more asleep*
well well well if it isn’t my neighbor thinking he can sit on a porch better than me
Inuits have 50 words for snow. Brits have 50 things named pudding
Hahaha this stupid baby on the bus thinks they can cry louder than me
life finds a way
shaggy: look out, it’s a g-g-g-ghost!
fred: there’s no such thing as ghosts
scrappy doo who is a literal talking dog: yea shaggy u stupid human idiot
I hate when I’m drunk and someone says “I’ll talk to you in the morning” like I’m not gonna be drunk then too.
Me: How many times do I have to ask you to brush your teeth?
10: Why is it called a building if it’s already built?
Visitor squirming: what am I sitting on?
Me: I forgot to get meat out to thaw for supper
I do really good on my diet for like 8 or 9 hours, and then I wake up.
Associate at the genius bar at the apple store: hi, how may i help you?
me, plunking my laptop down on the table: i can’t find the lowercase numbers!
My daughter cuddled into me and said she loves me, which I thought was really cute until I realised she was stealing my muffin
When my cats look out the window at another cat I like to pretend they’re judging and disparaging it with little British accents.
ER Nurse: Let me get this straight. You microwaved your food for too long and burned the inside of your mouth?
Me (mouthful of bandaids): Yesh.
if coconuts give us coconut milk AND coconut water then why do we only have cow milk. where is the cow water
Lame! I was tricked into watching PS, I Love You! It’s definitely NOT about a guy that marries his PlayStation.
Not sure if the bulb for my check engine light finally burned itself out or if my car magically fixed itself, but I’m going with the latter
When I was 6 my uncle caught a moth in his mouth, walked outside, opened up and the moth flew away into the night. I think about this a lot
Me: My new house is making lots of creaky sounds
Friend: That just means it’s settling
My fiancee: *creaky sounds*
The recipe said “Set the oven to 180 degrees,” so I did, but now I can’t open it because the door faces the wall.
*pops kid’s balloon*
*kid cries and runs away*
*picks up kid’s cake*
Husband: wtf is wrong with you?
Me: his piece was bigger!!
Just unfollowed a bunch of people funnier than me. Now my tweets seem, you know, funnier. Tomorrow I unfollow all the good-looking people.
Listen if we’re still single in 10 years do you wanna get hitched?
My cat:…
Him: I love you so much I want to shout it from the mountaintop
Me: *knows about mountains* Literally no one will hear you up there
My 6 year old just said that if she likes her husband she’ll take his last name, but if she doesn’t like him he’ll have to take her last name. Sounds fair to me.
Son: the tooth fairy didn’t leave me any money
Me, forgetting he put a tooth under his pillow because I was up playing Fortnite until 4am: yeah I’m afraid she died
LAZINESS LEVEL: PRO!
#NationalLazyDay
Confuse your doctor by putting on rubber gloves at the same time he does.
Moving sucks because you’re expected to trash stuff you have you forgot was important. Sure I haven’t worn this t-shirt in ten years but I wore it the night Bobby fell off a roof and I got laid. You’re robbing this of me for “closet space”.