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Current anger level: I am last-beer-in-the-fridge-turns-out-to-be-a-soy-sauce-bottle angry.
Dogs will go through amazing effort to get a better view of your plate
nothing more Los Angeles than an earthquake getting jealous of the publicity the hurricane is getting
[comedy club]
GIRAFFE: What’s the deal with scarves?
TORTOISE: [in the audience] lmao this guy gets it
If pulled over, immediately ask the officer if they’ve been drinking in order to establish dominance.
*sniffs glue
glue: I have a boyfriend
Doctor: It’s terrible. You’ve been diagnosed with Tetris.
Me: Doc, I think you mean Tetanus.
Doctor: This is serious!
Me: *neatly wedging myself into the corner of the room* You must be mistaken
I’m doing it doggy style today. Lying on the couch not doing a damn thing. I will bark if you knock on the door.
Being an adult is mostly just wondering if the stuff in the dishwasher is dirty or clean while eating soup out of a sand castle bucket.
The most I’ve ever paid for sex was ‘marriage.’
Every one hides their keys under a rock, it’s way too obvious folks.
Instead, try hiding it somewhere no one will ever expect, like in an active wasp nest or in your dogs mouth.
We’ve reached that part of the day where my kids ask what’s for dinner & then tell me they don’t want that for dinner.
I know you didn’t sneeze. I said “God bless you” because your baby is ugly.
Communists only write in lowercase letters because they hate Capitalism.
[At the Amnesty International Open Summit]
“OK, let’s put it to a vote, what rights should humans be entitled to?”
Kim Jong-un: “No rights.”
Raúl Castro: “Some rights.”
Matthew McConaughey: “All rights, all rights, all rights.”
If you are between 8 -16 years old and not whiskey, you are annoying.
Nobody:
Nobody:
Nobody:
Nobody:
Me: ahhh my severed head collection is coming along nicely
“moon all gone! moon all gone!” is my toddler’s terrifying new way of saying good morning
I know there is something wrong with my car the old fashioned way. I smell it or hear it.
On a dare, my son sprayed deodorant in his mouth. Now he speaks with an Axe scent.
No matter how spicy your sex life is …
If he’s a two-thymer; cumin in that
ginger Rosemary, my sage advice …would bay to leaf him.
*chugging beers at 11am*
Waitress: looks like somebody is having a fun St Patrick’s Day!
Me: That’s today?
My life coach: So what would you like to see happen this year?
Me: Kangaroos being allowed to fight in the UFC
Life coach: I will literally pay you to not come here anymore.
This is so funny 🤣 I was crying!
“GUYS! GET UP! THE HOME INVASION ALARM IS GOING OFF AGAIN!”
~My dog when the doorbell rings
A real smart TV would increase the volume when you start eating chips.
My cousins baby child keeps pointing at me and saying ‘cat’
Hey remember that snarky insult you threw my way three weeks ago? Well now I have comeback so please repeat it.
demi lovato is short for demilitarized love potato
Overheard in 2nd grade class today:
“Do your work! Santa’s watching right now.”
“Yeah, my mom told me that ship has sailed for me long ago.”