Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Stop hating yourself for everything. Be specific.

Yes, your honor, he was running from me in a threatening manner. I was in fear of my life.

that’s the thing with this thing, it’s very thingy

Cat doesn’t realize if he succeeds in tripping me on the way downstairs to feed him, we all die.

if you like christmas so much why don’t you merry it

“Our guests often come for a week but stay for months.”

– The cruise industry, putting a positive spin on Covid-19.

They’re not all brilliant, but they’re all mine. Meaning my tweets, and maybe my kids, whatever.

A guy with a sense of humor that matches mine will always get my attention.

BREAKING

Scientists warn that Earth could run out of conspiracy theories by 2025 if they keep coming true at the current rate

The way my life is now if I threw caution to the wind it would just throw it back.

My wife takes 13 bikinis for a 4-day beach trip. Meanwhile, I’m rocking the swimming trunks my mom bought at K-Mart in 1991.

mcdonalds’s with a small walmart inside

the worst part about cooking for others is not licking the utensils every time you stir something

[sees a squirrel walking, not running, out of a cemetery] sweet jesus this is how it begins

I’m not trying to sound like a conspiracy theorist but isn’t a little suspicious these hurricanes keep happening in alphabetical order??

dad: what should we name him

mom: something beautiful

dad: something unique

mom: any ideas

dad: matt

mom: ok

Annie, are you ok? You sure? Cool

That’s how long that song would’ve lasted if I sang it.

Scotch neat please

Umm…this is a Starbucks

*sigh

Ok a scotch “grande”

Thinking about that time I used a pic of katy perry as my avi and a dude got so mad that I wasn’t actually katy perry that he called me a catfish and blocked me. Wonder how he’s doing now

Doctors would be pretty cool superheroes except for the fact their weakness is apples.

Stood in front of a dollar store and waited way too long for the *automatic* door to open before I realized my mistake.

Then I did it again on my way out. I can never go back there.

At this point the virus has more names than a guy hiding from his wife on twitter.

I dropped my ice cream cone on the ground and it landed pointy end up which made the Earth, at least for a moment, one giant topping.

Just once I’d like someone to call me “ma’am” without having to add “you need to calm down or we’re going to have to ask you to leave”

Friend: My baby turned 3 today. He’s growing up so fast!
Me: He’s actually growing up at an equal speed to every other human being on the planet.

(why I’m not invited to birthday parties anymore.)

I am ‘being spanked and told to nap is punishment’ years old

*winks*

Seismologists are loyal to a fault

“You look really pretty today,” I said as I looked in the mirror, and my reflection replied, “And you…um, you have a GREAT personality.”

I’d be more inclined to grow up if I saw that it worked out for everyone else

[wife calls]
“What time will you be home?”
“About 6.”
“Good, my parents are here &-”
“Actually there’s been a fire at work & we all died.”