Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

All Your Eggs in One Basket would be a lovely name for an only child

$100/night hotel: hi. we have you for 3 nights. checkouts whenever. enjoy the 24 hour gym & pool that smell like chlorine & feet, respectively. unlimited breakfast – eat costco sausages til you die we dont care

$275/night hotel: OH, his royal highness expects FREE WIFI, does he?

Shout out to politicians for keeping the word “folks” alive.

All these girls tweeting about going braless & I’m just over here on my back trying not to look like I have 2 bald guys in a headlock.

Practice self-care like a star, be lonely and distant & allow nothing to survive on your surface.

When brushing your teeth at bedtime, if you say 3 times into the mirror: “Sleeping soothes the seething” you will spit toothpaste all over your reflection

[Married pillow-talk]

Husband: What’s your deepest fantasy?
Me: That when our kids eat dinner they don’t leave any crumbs under the table.

My 5yo: Mommy what are shark cooties.

Me: …. What?

5: Ava said shark cooties are her favorite snack.

Me: …..

Me: CHARCUTERIE. She likes charcuterie.

my only concern about UFOs is if they’re staying they should be paying their fair share in taxes.

Every retail employee should get to hit one customer a year and there is no way for customers to tell if they’ve used it yet

10: this game took forever to download! It took like almost 1 minute

me: *laughs in dial-up*

I’ve never skydived but I have had to do math in front of a bunch of people in a meeting so I think I understand the adrenaline rush.

Before you judge a woman, walk a mile in her shoes. After that who cares? She’s a mile away and you’ve got her shoes.

I wish Play-Doh tasted as good as it smells.
I wish I would remember that it doesn’t.

CAR SALESMAN: How can I help you?
ME: I’m looking to immediately lose money on a terrible investment.
CAR SALESMAN: That’s my specialty.

him: there is something wrong, but I can’t quite put my finger on it

me: do I need a proctologist with longer arms, then?

*creators of the alphabet, exhausted, and near the end*

Whatever, let’s just call this letter…double u.

Dating is like a 2-day-old box of chocolates.

The good ones are already taken.

Simon: I wrote a song
Garfunkel: *reads lyrics*
Garfunkel: “I am a rock. I am an island” dude I’m like right here. I thought we were friends

The carwash is a great place to meet other millionaires who for some reason don’t have garden hoses.

there is nothing more wonderful than the laughter of children, except possibly my own laughter when I’m chasing them off my lawn while swinging a 2×4 with a nail in it

I’ve had worse

9-year-old: Can I spend the night at my friend’s house this weekend?

Me: Sure.

9: Can I spend two nights?

Me: You can live there. Just tell her mom to send over the papers.

who knew parenting would entail saying “pick that up off the floor” followed by “and don’t put it in your mouth” so often

I need someone to wring out my brain like a dishrag

Don’t make me out nice you.

Urban Dictionary defines Heck:

Where you go if you don’t believe in Gosh.

I was wondering how lightning worked, then it struck me.

Wife: you need to prepare the turkey

Me: *sits turkey down* dude this isn’t gonna be a good day for you

A little Caesar’s pizza joke, eh?