Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

my fav brides on Say Yes To The Dress are the ones who come in wanting a specific dress but don’t call ahead to see if it’s in stock and are like sooo shocked it’s not there. Baby!!! it’s your wedding dress!!! I’ve called bakeries to make sure they have a cinnamon roll in stock

BARBER: what’ll it be
ME: can u make me feel extremeley self-conscious for 45 minutes
BARBER: u got it

Neighbor: What do you do?
Me: I work from home. I’m a writer and editor.
Neighbor: Ah, well… No shame in that.

Nope, not until now, dude.

if I were Snow White I’d be like, “Holy shit how are these birds dressing me and why do they know how to color coordinate”

This feels like a totally reasonable reaction

#comics #webcomic #snowman #frosty

I don’t claim to understand the science behind it, but I can absolutely state with one hundred percent certainty that I am playing a key role in the ongoing survival of the human race by making sure that each and every morning, without fail, I put my left shoe on before my right.

36 – 24 – 36 – 24 – 36 – 24 – 36 – 24 – 36? Haha. Only if she’s a giant caterpillar.

Just Jedi mind tricked my BF into buying me a new phone. Well not really, I had to moan during sex and promised to be nice to his mom.

Trust me, your laptop is dishwasher safe

[leans over to kid watching Planet of the Apes in the theatre]
Call them monkeys one more time & see what happens.

Me: What do you think of your haircut?

Wife: I need more volume

Me: WHAT DO YOU THINK OF YOUR HAIRCUT?

Absolutely no one:

The ice maker in my refrigerator: I HAVE A VOICE AND MUST BE HEARD

St. Valentine’s Day is my favorite holiday that’s named after a massacre.

“You know who James Earl Jones looks like? William Shatner. Or Katy Perry.”
– My kid, who has apparently seen none of these people

My 7yo likes to yell, “KEVIN” when she remembers something important she forgot to do.

My doctor said I shouldn’t binge drink, so now I just drink all the time.

WARNING: Ham radios taste nothing like ham!

My insurance rates went way down after I legally changed my middle name from Danger to Robert.

*my daughter sees multiple baskets of laundry by the washer, sighs and sets her basket down in front*

Me: All laundry will be washed in the order it is received. Thank you for holding.

Boss: You want another raise? We just gave you one nine years ago, what did you do with that money?

I am in my truest form when the food comes at a restaurant and I side-eye plates, suspicious that everyone got more fries than I did.

[first day of school]

LILY: My mommy named me Lily because she loves lilies.

LUNA: My mommy named me Luna because she loves the moon.

BRANDY and METHANY: We hate this game.

the compUtah Maineframe has crashed and Idaho how to fix it. Alaska round to find out Hawaii it happened. Are Delaware of the situation?

I didn’t get a chance to do yoga this morning or any other morning of my life.

listen kid, i have social media profiles older than you

I’ll sleep when I’m dead. And eat, watch tv, hang out in people’s attics, death can’t keep me from doin shit

If my bathroom scale were polite it would start off by telling me what a great personality I have.

The goldfish just gave me the “just flush me” look. No way pal. If I have to stay so do you.

I accidentally threw garbage in the mall Public Library return bin with a large “Not Garbage” sign and before I had time to feel bad, my boyfriend yelled
AHA SUCK IT, NERDS!
and that’s how he gets the bestest sex.

My neighbor is sitting in his driveway, wearing tank top and shorts, drinking a beer, smoking a cigar, and blasting Celine Dion’s “My Heart Will Go On.”

I know we are supposed to check on our neighbors but I think he’s good.