Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Netflix: if you like Murder & Standup

The baby spit up on my Xbox so I had to get rid of it…

I’m gonna miss that baby…

Kids these days will never know the exhilarating danger of going 60mph down a burning hot metal slide.

if you pick a movie that’s longer than the flight the pilot gets a notification to fly around for a bit

Hubs: You didn’t do anything today did you?
Me: I did the dishes.
Hubs: There was only one.
Me: Fine I did THE dish. Happy?

petition to add fitted sheet folding to the olympics.

Next time you see someone you don’t like, begin conversation with “I see the assassins have failed.”

You: My kid loves piano

My kid: *licking the piano keys*

Me: Same

HIM: I love reading big novels.

ME: No kidding, so do I!

*I whip out one of those oversized picture books they use in kindergarten*

[reading death threat]

*shrugs* Anyone with spelling this bad would definitely botch a murder.

Never mess with a sculptor, they have a ready made place to hide your body

Vodka = liquid CTRL + ALT + DELETE

OMG! Imagine being in a room with all of your exes!

*imagines room of people playing ps4 and ignoring me*

a fate I wish upon no one

Food was bad, cabins were dirty, everyone but me was gruesomely killed. Liked the paddle boats. 1/2 star. -Yelp review of Camp Crystal Lake

Yellowstone visitor upset bears didn’t show (Would like park service to train them):

I’m never gonna tell the person I’m meeting up with that you said hi.

Twitter because there’s no other way to get to know so many Canadians at once

I’m no super genius, but I bet the most effective way to lose “baby weight” is to have the baby.

Me: I know it’s weird but do you wanna see where my dad is buried?

Date: actually, I love graveyards

Me: *flipping on cellar light* graveyards?

[Last day of school for the year]

Kids: Yay!

Parents: [checking to see when first day of school is]

Me: Who’s a good boy?

Dog: I thought we settled this.

Mom: here comes the plane!

Baby: *seinfeld voice* what’s the DEAL with airplane food!?

“Dude go make the first move on her!”

“Okay fine, but I’m not too sure what I’m doing.”

*approaches girl*

“Knight to f3”

My daughter had a before school donut party for track and an after school ice cream party for orchestra so I asked her if she had anything else coming up?

My 10 y/o as he walks by… “Diabetes probably.”

Violence is NOT the answer. The answer is *opens history book*

uh oh

*frantically starts flipping through pages*

uh oh. oh no. no no no. uh oh

walmart in August: here’s some pumpkins

walmart ON halloween day: merry christmas

WHERE’S THE PUMPKINS AT BRO I NEED 3.

What I said:
GET IN THE CAR, WE’RE LATE!

What my kids hear:
Start looking for a toy that was lost 5 years ago.