Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I don’t have a yoga mat, but I have a Twister mat, and it’s the same thing.

whoa, you should really talk to someone about that!
— me, first day as a therapist

When your friends are on their phones, but you ran out of things to check

“How much plagiarizing gets you arrested?” And other delightful ways my 12yo says goodnight.

Quit my job a few years ago because my boss was an idiot. Now I’m self-employed. My boss is still an idiot.

“THEY’RE PROBABLY MORE AFRAID OF YOU THAN YOU ARE OF THEM,” I shout, as a swarm of murder hornets attacks my friend Jeff

You know before I had kids I was only vaguely aware that Saturday had a 7am.

In my village the coming of age test is this: your mother abandons you in a grocery store. If you maintain your humanity and survive on groceries you will be a great leader. If you let yourself be raised as a grocery you will become the grocery shaman and do great grocery magic.

it’s so crazy how the abbreviation for pound is lb and everyone is like yeah sure ok

I live in fear that one day the real “World’s Greatest Dad” is going to show up to reclaim his rightful mug.

At this stage, someone might be grateful if you TPed their house.

(first day at law school)

Me: When do we learn about the law of gravity?

Prof: We don’t.

Me: This is BULLSHIT.

*flips table*

*table floats up to ceiling*

Everyone hates on the dentist but at least they don’t try to weigh you.

This is the best tattoo I’ve ever seen in my whole life, no contest

My Dad’s TV exploded, sparks and smoke, the whole 9 yards. I of course used this as an opportunity to tell him if took better care of his things and didn’t watch rubbish, none of this would have happened.

If you don’t answer your kid’s tenth “MOM!”, I will…and what I say will keep them awake for 3 days. Better ask “what?”

When the instructions say so easy a child could do it, I assume you mean one of those genius 12-year-olds who double major at MIT.

“Shark infested waters”….you mean their home?

For me, it’s not a superfood unless it has a tragic backstory.

So many recipes say they can be made with stuff you definitely have in your kitchen already, but then none of them ever call for expired sour cream or the giant extra thing of red pepper flakes you bought by accident.

Satan cannot be everywhere,
So Relatives were created..

I no longer need an alarm clock because I’m over 40 and have a bladder.

Quick, while the British people are sleeping:
Raise your hand if you make tea by microwaving hot water

I’m already over this Barbie movie. I’m waiting for “Easy-Bake Oven” to hit theaters.

Everything is arbitrary to kids so you can invent any rule you want, just present it as a normal rule. We wear a seatbelt in the car. We wear a helmet on our bike. We wear a disguise to the bank

Diabetes was the God of sugar.

Stop naming your dogs Bella.
We are full.

People who can get up to pee in the middle of the night and fall right back to sleep, explain yourselves.

Imagine me with poor grammar. Wrong. Worser.