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We all know cake and pie are not the same thing so if I ask for cake and you give me pie I’ll probably definitely still eat it.
Hi, I joined a cult.
*got an air fryer
I will never forget the time that I helped interview a man for a job opening and when he was asked what he would contribute to the team he said “probably snacks”
I had two ribs removed so I could pet small dogs easier.
I love salad! Just wish it had the taste & texture of pizza.
Objects in motion tend to resent objects on the couch not in motion.
Me gasping and flipping off the vultures as they circle above the running track
Google maps: in 2,000 feet, turn left
Me: I have no idea how far that is
Google: in 8 furlongs…
Me: no
Google: in 1.6 billion picometers…
Me: ugh
Genie: I grant you three wishes.
Bob: I want to be rich.
Genie: Granted.
Rich: I want a lot of money.
Not to brag, but I’ve been told I’m a fine one to talk.
Guide to being Batman
1 Lose parents. Inherit everything
2 Let people get murdered
3 Never murder the Joker because he’s the best at puns
When I was a kid there were two ways to die, natural causes and talking back to your parents
i unknowingly took my toddler to the museum with a shirt pocket full of scrambled eggs
I’m not saying I’m a hero, but I did just give a bottle of wine mouth to mouth.
It didn’t make it.
I hate when I’m getting a back rub & he stops 3 mins in & says “my thumbs hurt.” It’s not like I ever say “My jaw hurts.” I finish the job.
my son and I came up with this joke during our walk and we decided to tweet it…
Pirated iPhones get bug fixes via an iPatch
me: i have test anxiety
classmate: it’s okay, jesus has answers
jesus: *descending from sky* the first three are all D
Most embarrassing thing a human being can experience is publicly unrequited love. Second is having the noisy grocery cart.
I believe there’s at least 1 killer tweet in each of us. I must have had 2 and they killed each other.
if you have a baby make sure you tell everybody exactly how much it weighs this is very important information and people love to hear it
Me: I’m not the same person I was when you met me.
Him: we met six seconds ago.
My neighbor said, wow that skeleton looks almost real and I said I know and to think it was almost free.
I forgot to pack my perfume, but happened upon some air freshener. Judging by the compliments I’ve gotten, I’m wearing Air Wick from now on.
I do my deepest thinking when I can’t figure out why someone honked at me.
*calls ex wife three weeks after the divorce* what kind of yogurt do I like?
Zoology should be spelled zooology but science isnt ready for that conversation yet
“I can taste the difference between varieties of brands of mayonnaise”
– my best friend and the whitest man I know
Her: The next person that tells me to smile is not gonna know what hit them.
Wedding Photographer: and if you could all look at the camera…