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They act like technology is ruining childhood, but back in the day, kids were so bored they would turn their eyelids inside out for fun.
I don’t delete my bad tweets because why should I suffer alone.
I told my date I was depressed. I added, “not like cut my inner thigh depressed, but sleep with you even though I don’t like you depressed.”
Chuck Norris once gave an uppercut to a horse!
Now we have Giraffes.
What do you mean the project is DUE TOMORROW?!
– a parenting memoir
Me: Do you want kids?
Date: Yes! Definitely.Me: How many?
Date: Ideally two. A boy and a girl.Me: Perfect. I’ll drop them off on Saturday. Good luck.
Want to stop getting invited to parties? Be a nonchalant double dipper.
It’s that simple.
Drugs and alcohol aren’t the answer. Unless the question is why did you shit on the sidewalk last night?
oh you like online scams? name all the numbers on your credit card
You don’t need to write “imo”. Nobody is confusing your tweets with Nietzsche.
14 takes out the trash and recycling without being asked
Me:
“Ok i’ll bite”
*literally any cat i try to be nice to
The most rebellious thing about me is that I refuse to cover my super white legs no matter how many people I blind with them
There should be shopping carts available in the middle of the grocery store for people like me who thought they’ll be able to carry their stuff but eventually have to admit that they can’t.
I don’t know why people pay therapists to tell them what’s wrong with their lives when I’ll do it for free.
I always enjoy when pharmaceutical ads play “Walking On Sunshine” while joyfully listing their drug’s 700 horrendous side effects.
Four men having a little fun at an airport 😀
I ran out of coffee this morning, beer seemed like an acceptable replacement. Everyone is so pretty today.
my 19 yr old daughter suspects the 22 yr old boyfriend of her friend who is also 19 is dating someone younger so he has someone to provide end of life care because he’s so old and I just can’t
When she says she needs more intimacy; she means your feelings, not your colonoscopy report.
If I was a mammoth or a ground sloth I would not have gotten stuck in a tar pit it all. when I see a fossil of some creature that got trapped in one I think wow here’s an example of some dead idiot
Prince Charming fell madly in love with Cinderella after only one dance, yet I’ve performed a majestic rendition of The Humpty Dance at multiple weddings and haven’t gotten even one date out of it.
“Let there be one more blade!”-Gillette marketing concepts.
Me: I hope you don’t mind if I nibble during sex.
Her: Not at all!
Me: Great!
*Pulls out grilled cheese sandwich*
(pediatric emergency dept)
Me: what’s your name?
4yo boy: I wear size 11 dinosaur shoes and my socks are spiderman today, see? *takes off shoes, shows me socks*
Me: awesome, those are really cool
4yo boy: yeah, I know!
Mom: I promise he knows his name
you gotta be faster
Have you found them?
“Not yet, sir.”
THEY’RE MUTANT TURTLES THAT DO KARATE. HOW HARD COULD IT BE?
“They wear tiny masks, sir.”
lorebombing is when you make a new friend in your thirties and you have to catch each other up
ME: [putting a condom on]
HER: it doesn’t go on me