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My hobbies are scrolling through twitter, charging my phone and being generally dissatisfied with things.
Finally found the perfect background for my zoom meetings
Ok Brazil, this would be a time when it’s ok to bite an opponent.
BOSS: I set up a Suggestion Box. Please don’t hesitate to-
ME: [staring directly at boss while slowly stuffing cream cheese bagel into box]
If you’re burglarizing a home and the owner walks in, defuse the situation by saying, “I seriously love your place”
Was going to call my senator about TikTok, but then the app turned on “see who viewed but didn’t like your video” again so I’m ok if it goes.
me and my coworkers logging into all of our meetings remotely for the next couple of weeks
My teen is about to do some work experience set up by her 6th form college. The idea is to match students with jobs that reflect their skills/interests. My girl is deep into the arts – she loves music, art, photography, making stuff.
Her allocated job? Gravestone maintenance
I will never get over the fact that a-hole and b-hole are the exact same thing
Be the change!!
*loosely falls to the floor*
*quarter spins*
Women: The best part of my day, is taking off my bra.
Men: Same.
Rap: MONEY GUNS & SEX
Rock: DRUGS & SEX
Country: BEER GOD & SEX
Pop: PARTIES GIRLS & ALCOHOL
Dubstep: BWA BWA BABWAA
Sean Paul: SEAN PAUL!
6am. 4 runs into bedroom, jumps on bed repeatedly.
“DADDY, DADDY, DADDY! WAKE UP! HAPPY FATHER’S DAY! WE’RE GOING TO LET YOU SLEEP IN!
me: do you guys massage calves
masseuse: of course
me: perfect [holds door open for a bunch of baby cows]
I automatically write off anything Donald Trump says because someone with that much money has no excuse for that hair.
Been walking like an Egyptian and need to visit a Cairopractor.
Why is it called a knuckle sandwich, and not fist food?
A plague on both your Barbie’s Dreamhouses.
“It’s not about who’s right or wrong.”
~ The person that is wrong
Every morning I announce that Im going for a jog, but then I don’t go…
it’s a running joke…
In todays addition of what will we find when we take off our bra…two legos AND a winning lotto ticket! Just kidding that would be so awesome but it was just two legos.
*Job Interview
Me: “Thanks for meeting with me”
IKEA Manager: “My pleasure. Have a seat”(Sees nothing but a pile of finished wood, quarter inch screws, and an allen wrench)
Me: “What…”
Manager *starts timer*
phew
A tall guy in movie theater just sat in front of me and he’s on a date so he’s going to have good posture the whole time this sucks
I bought silk pyjamas to go with our new silk sheets. I jumped into bed and woke up in my neighbour’s flower bed
BLIND DATE: My last boyfriend thought he was such hot stuff. But he was really just a big fish in a small pond.
ME, a giant worm in a hat and trench-coat: Ha, what a loser! But seriously like how big specifically though?
Me: This escape room is really hard.
Guard: I said lights out!
Did you dream of me, baby?
-Are you a swimming pool full of Lucky Charms & milk?
No, silly.
-Then no.
Every funeral is open-casket if you’ve got a crowbar and a sense of adventure.
her: HELP ME! I’m bleeding out!
me: Not on my watch you aren’t!
her: Oh, my hero! Thank you!
me [tucking watch in pocket] Huh?