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said in every police drama ever
– her parents are coming down from Wisconsin
My cat has Peta on speed dial in case the day should ever come when his pillows aren’t properly fluffed or his filtered water grows tepid.
Car sex – for when you want risky sex AND improve your twister game
Yes, I would like to see a wine list, because I don’t mispronounce enough words in my day-to-day life.
[first day as a cashier]
*intercom* can I get a price check on…die john mustard.
“I have so much to do” she says, staring at a tree for five years
The unused seconds from all the microwaves get added to the lifespan of Betty White.
[aquarium exit]
Excuse me ma’am, would you mind opening your bag?
I beg your pardon?!
OPEN YOUR BAG
*opens bag and reveals two penguins*
I don’t respect Aquaman, because I can’t respect a hero whose arch nemesis is that plastic drink holder that you find on a six pack of cans.
Johnny Depp could lose 250 hands of strip poker in a row and wouldn’t even have all his thumb rings off yet.
“If someone wanted to murder you, a night light wouldn’t stop them”
I will never lie to my future children.
Impress them on your first date by showing up in a shirt with their face on it.
(Job interview)
The starting hourly pay is $30 but it can go up to $45 later
Me: Okay, I’ll start later then
My 3yo wanted me to use my real money to buy pretend food, and then complained I was buying the wrong pretend food, so I think he’s going to be a stockbroker
ME: can I buy u a drink
HER: I’ll take a rain check
ME: mmm that sounds good [to bartender] 2 rain checks, please
3yo: play it again!
Me: I can’t, baby
*3yo throws epic fit*
Radio, you’re tearing this family apart.
My friend got my girls slime for their bday so I’m getting her daughter a harmonica for hers.
“a perfectly placed emoji is better than good punctuation.. ”
said No Teacher ever
My friend asked me today if I started Christmas shopping.
I’m crying. While digging a hole to bury her.
Honestly, my biggest fear about becoming a zombie is all the socializing.
[Stonehenge]
*Synth bass line*
*hooded figure pops out*
“Thiiiiis is hooww we Druuuiiid”
*other hooded figures pop out*
“It’s Friday night”
Wife: I want a divorce because your enthusiasm’s turned into bitter sarcasm
Tony the Tiger: great
Is this your resume?
“Yep”
It just says you used to leave shit at your friends’ doors, ring the bell & run away
“Oh yes”
Welcome to UPS!
Tim Cook just came out. Waiting for the Android version.
a gander reveal party where everyone thinks the invitation had a typo but they get there and it’s just a duck
Anyone know a Minecraft interpreter? I don’t understand my son’s Christmas list.
me: you have to be nice or Santa won’t bring you any toys this year
5:
me:
5: my brother lets me play with his
Get your hero name by doing something brave and seeing what the newspapers call you.
I’m Local Man.
Police: can you describe the woman who stabbed you
Male author: Lithe, spirited, and outgoing. She was a raw sexual force and she knew it. She was a dandelion fluff on a summer day, gone in an instant, leaving you with nothing but the memory of her smell
Police:
Dear Ad Agencies,
Please stop using doorbells in your TV commercials.
On behalf of dog owners everywhere,
Thanks!