Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“If all your friends jumped”

‘Yes’

“But if they”

‘Yes’

“But”

‘IF I EVER GET FRIENDS I’M GOING TO DO WHATEVER THEY WANT ME TO, OK MOM?

All bottle caps are twist-offs if you have a prosthetic robot hand

ME: (dead silent)

ALEXA: I can hear your heartbeat.

My friend told me her kids don’t get dessert every night which really confused me. Like, what does she use to bribe them to eat their dinner?!

me [after hitting a long shot]: FORE

her: are you serious this is mini golf

me [apologetically]: ᶠᵒʳᵉ

trump: ban muslims
jeb bush: i disagree. just like dad would. who used to be president
ben carson: how did spongebob make fire underwater

When you and your favorite bird are very high at the zoo

I’m not saying my job sucks, I’m just saying that if you tried to abduct me in the office parking lot on my way into work, I’d struggle just until I was out of view of the corporate security cameras. Then I’ll happily get in your van AND I’ll buy you breakfast at Waffle House.

I was at a Hanukkah party at my uncle’s house and one of my cousins was like, “hey look it’s bitcoin” and held up a piece of gelt that he’d taken a bite out of

I’d rather fork than spoon.

What idiot called it “home for the holidays” and not “an aunt infestation”

A smart woman knows when to give up and walk away

A southern woman has a shotgun and a shovel named give up and walk away

“I…I don’t know, doc. I guess I’m just tired of being pushed around all the time.”

-Revolving Doors

After 10 missed calls in a row, I’m tempted to answer the phone just so I can find out who wants to be murdered.

the prophecy has been fulfilled

[zombies banging on the door]
her: they’re here
me: god, I thought you said 8 oclock I haven’t even got the wine chilled

my kids: dad will you make us some grilled cheese?

me: how did you even find me? there’s like 12 bars in this town

Got CPR and CCR confused. Ended up playing “Fortunate Son” on my boombox while watching a man die.

The funniest thing about being sober is to realize you were so drunk last night you were tweeting all night with a calculator.

Salesgirl: [handing me makeup samples] here are the freebies we promised you!

Me: [wearing my brand-new beekeeper’s suit] …oh

Star Wars spoiler: Ross and Rachel end up together in the end.

When people are flirting in the replies to your tweet.

People say “5 second rule” like that’s a thing. I just ate a piece of Thanksgiving candy off the floor.

Starting a conga line is a great conversation ender.

*Walks 500 miles

*Walks 500 more

*Is the guy who falls down at your door

*Knocks

*Gets no answer

*Realizes he should have called first

Chestnut implies the existence of legnut, armnut, necknut and the much anticipated buttnut.

95% of pet ownership is just saying “hello” to them in various tones.

My 8yo asked if she could have the last cookie. I said no because it’s mine. She asked if she could have a half. I said okay. Now… I’m pretty sure she’s failing math because all she left me was a crumb

kid: I feel funny, mom

mom: that’s why we’re sending you to clown school