Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

when your spouse is out with friends and won’t answer your texts

Let he who is without sin cast the first stone if you want babies throwing rocks everywhere. Dangerous.

the problem with being 39 is i don’t feel old but also everywhere i go plays the music too loud

Wife: Silent

Me: What’s wrong?

Wife: Nothing

Me: Grabs shield and sword

The first rule of Hide a Vegetable in a Sentence Club is always be true to yourself.

A watched pot never boils. The same is also true if you forget to turn the burner on apparently.

I’m not saying Goldilocks was a piece of shit, but she broke into someone’s house and just started eating their breakfast.

*staring directly into the sun* is this meditation am I meditating

[coming in second] Meh, I never cared about winning in the first place.

“Say again” – I wasn’t listening
“Pardon?” – I didn’t hear you
“Eh?” – What are you on about?
“You what?” – What the hell are you on about?
“What did you just say?” – I might have to fight you
“I beg your pardon” – I might have to challenge you to a duel

Hey check out this new candle I got.
-Sweet. What flavor is it?
I think you mean ‘what scent is it?’
*with a mouthful of candle wax*
-What?

*watching smart car washed away in a flood on the news*
If it was really smart it would know how to swim.

Moses: 🎶gimme one margarita imma open the sea, gimme two margaritas imma set my people free🎶

His people: ugh ya can you get off TikTok? We’re literally being chased

The lady behind me in the drive-thru honked impatiently so i paid for her order. When she pulled up to the 1st window to pay, her expression was priceless. Then I picked up both orders at the 2nd window and drove away

Not to brag, but having travelled extensively through India I could teach you all you need to know about living without toilet paper.

~ me, flirting.

i actually have so much empathy for pigeons. we’re all just waking around the city together eating garbage and almost getting hit by cars

therapist: would you say youre an optimist or pessimist?

me: im not sure

therapist: well when you look at your drink you brought in do you think it’s half full or empty?

me: did…did you drink half of my milkshake?

therapist: *wiping away milk moustache* i’ll put pessimist

SCIENTIST: if we feed cows seaweed we can slash greenhouse gas levels

[later]

SCIENTIST [watching dead cows float in the ocean]: well shit

My kids are having fun in that “Someone’s going to the ER” kind of way.

daughter: do you realize that you talk to yourself?

me: so you won’t answer when I call you but you’ll eavesdrop on my conversations?

daughter:

Me: If I ever decide to commit a murder I am going to make a doll out of my hair to put in the victim’s house.

Friend: why?

Me: That way they look crazy and there is a reason my hair is at the crime scene.

Friend: (backing away slowly) sounds well thought out.

Trump University is getting a bad rap. My nephew went there and he can poop in a toilet AND say the N-word.

cashier: have a nice day

me: i got other plans, buddy

I my rage I texted my friend “I made some strawberry ganache for you and I now I am never going to give it you”.
We made up later and long story short I need to learn how to make ganache.

dracula is the original vampire, which means all other vampires are technically his kids. but has he ever paid child support?? dracula is nothing but a deadbeat dad, that’s why he can’t look at himself in the mirror, he’s too ashamed

me (first day as a judge): YOU’RE OUT OF ORDER!

McFlurry machine: you’re new here aren’t you?

Hope my marriage can make it through another season of disagreement over the pronunciation of pecan.

After 17 years I can say with authority that the key to a long marriage is being too lazy to get up off the couch and set your spouse on fire

dinosaurs are always described as “roaming” the earth which is patronizing as hell i bet they had places to go and important shit to do

Last time I took a guy seriously, his girlfriend dm’ed me on twitter telling me they’ve been together for a year and when I confronted him he said if we both argue with each other we’re both not gonna have him 😂😂😂