*1941 movie pitch*
“So it’s about an elephant w/big ears and we call him stupid then torture his mother.”
Walt Disney, “I smell a winner.”
You Might Also Like
Meets girl at bar.
Takes her to Ikea.Quickly learns the difference between one-night stand and one nightstand.
I leave notes around the house to remind me of things I need to do, like “Pick up milk” or “Pay gas bill” or “Stop wasting your life away”
It’s embarrassing when my wife pats me down for concealed chicken nuggets in front of our friends.
“Daddy, what happens when we die?”
“You get married and have kids”
He walked across the parking area explaining, “I’m going through a lot”
You look like you would fail a DNA test
Some lady at Olive Garden died, so we’re rummaging through her stuff. Just like a real family.
We’re going to run out of sausage if no one ever wants to know how it’s made
Show me in the employee handbook where it says I can’t make weird noises in my cubicle
Me: I’m having a bad day!
Brain: You should buy those $300 headphones so you feel better.
Me: You’re making a lot of sense right now.
The speed walking event just looks like a group of people hurrying to get somewhere to take a shit.
*sits down in a classy as hell bar*
“barkeep! a bottle of your finest champagne please. I earn…”
*lowers shades*
“$200 every 4 months”
In my dreams last night, I met God. He gave me the manuscript for His novel to read, but I never read it, & I had to avoid Him in the town.
Most people think that T Rexes can’t clap because they have short arms, but really it’s because they’re dead…
If I’ve learned one thing in my almost-34-years of life on this planet, it’s that there is absolutely no dignified way to eat a yolky fried egg sandwich.
genie: i can grant u any three wishes, anything u desire
me: ok i wish for a mcflurry
genie: ah sorry the machine isn’t working right now
“Careful, there’s poop on the dance floor.” – how ballet was invented.
[hunting]
“In order to attract the stag, I perform the special call”
[clears throat, cups hands round mouth]
“COME OVER HERE, ANTLER JERK”
At my grandma’s house and just accidentally let out a “yall stop running in and out” omg it’s over 💔💔💔💔💔💔💔💔💔💔
My wife and I had a real Fairytale wedding. A wolf killed her grandma during the ceremony and then we ate stolen porridge from some bears.
When the lady at the DMV asked if I wanted to be an organ donor, I told her, “Yes, but only if I die.”
Husband: You don’t need to wear makeup, babe.
Me: (dressed as a witch) Thanks.
dad: I AM VERY DISAPPOINTED IN YOU YOUNG MAN
son: HI VERY DISAPPOINTED IN YOU YOUNG MAN IM GREG
dad: omg [sheds a tear]
Movie Executive: We love the script but what are we gonna call it?
Writer: *monkey in disguise* Monkey
Exec: I dont think that works
Writer: Se-seven Monkeys
Exec: The number of monkeys isn’t really the prob-
Writer: TWELVE monkeys
Exec: Now.. hold on a second.
Not sure if my toddler goes to daycare or a disease-of-the-month club
In my family, we settle all disputes by pointing out the other’s short comings and failures and whoever starts crying first loses.
Are we still sending rich dudes to space cause I just got a 2 dollar bill in the mail from GramGram and this shining star is ready to rocket
Me: Look. There’s a deer.
Hunter: Don’t spook it.
Me: *slowly stuffing a werewolf mask back into my backpack*
surgeon: you can’t lift anything over ten pounds for 6 weeks.
me: how am i supposed to pee?
*surgeon high-fives me*
Can we stop screwing around and make Pringles cans big enough to fit an entire hand? We have the technology