Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*5.30 a.m.*

6: Mom, I’ve decided to make breakfast for everyone.

Me *groggily*: Oh, that’s sweet.

6: How many people live in our neighborhood?

Me: GO BACK TO BED!

I carry a pack of Tums in my pocket in case I run into a hostile plate of jalapeño chili nachos and can’t escape

[At Restaurant]
Server: Hope you are hungry.
Me: I am
Server: Is this your first time?
Me: No, I’ve been hungry before.

If my wife takes any longer to get ready to go out, she’ll need to go and shave her legs again!!

Walking my 6yo out to the car and pointing at a patch of dead weeds in the yard he says, “Mom what happened to those plants?!” and I’m like “those were dead before I got here I did not kill them.”

Wrong answers only

Answer: Marriage

If you think fruit is better than candy just remember Eve ate an apple, not a Reese’s.

GOD: ask me anything
ME: why aren’t there middlecase letters?
GOD: *reaching for a button labeled “flood the earth again”*

Not to brag, but my kids just unloaded the entire dishwasher without me asking, or without them noticing that the dishwasher had not been run.

“Kids are picking on me, Mom”

I’ll teach you how to fight, son.

“Yes!”

[Mom spreads rumors about son and ignores him for 3 days]

took my friend to the museum of natural history and she was like this is awesome it’s like being at the zoo but you don’t feel bad the whole time

“Turtle Power” is not an appropriate response when HR asks you how you plan to meet your objectives this year. Apparently.

Sometimes your ankle takes a vacation while you’re walking.

weird to have so little faith in humanity nowadays that a guy could be hurling Molotov cocktails at me from his car and I’d be ok with it if he’s using his turn signals

When Fred Willard got arrested for lewd behavior in an adult movie theater I was shocked. Where did he find an adult movie theater?

Some days I want to leave everything and just run away with him. Other days I want to own 3 baby dragons and be fireproof and naked.

Horror movies have given me an unrealistic expectation about finding an armoire with a false back where a ghost lives.

Every time someone tries to fight with me on Twitter a middle finger gets its wings.

Listening to my mom tell a story is akin to a verbal version of Russian nesting dolls.

I’m giving up sex for lent mostly because I’m not having any anyway so it seems like the easiest and most logical choice for this journey.

*picks up the bagel again*
sorry i gotta take this one
*leaves office & talks on the bagel for 15 minutes solid*

If snails are so slow, why don’t we ever see them coming? It’s just BAM, there’s a snail.

My family wanted a Disney experience so I charged them $150 to stand in a line for three hours before taking our daughter to the bathroom.

Fun Things

[does jerk off motion for 2 hours] and that concludes the hearing impaired translation of the presidential debate. all of them. god bless

My Kid: what was your favorite part of the day?

Me: that moment at about 8:30 this morning when my second cup of coffee hit me, and I could understand what you kids were saying through all your screaming.

Kid: huh?

Me: I said, when we went to the park.

Before I became a parent I had no idea there were so many different ways to count to 3.

Her: Isn’t she your girlfriend?

Me: No, No, No, I broke up with her two days ago. She just hasn’t checked her voice mail yet…

I’m guessing Scientology would have a lot more followers if they would’ve just come out and said they were pimps right from the start.

Found $10 in a pants pocket. It was awkward though because someone was still wearing it.