Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Edward norton: what’s your power

Me: I recast avenger characters

Mark ruffalo: wait wut

I’m watching TV with close captioning on for the same reason a lot of people of a certain age do, because I’m eating chips.

No one is shocked when a defibrillator doesn’t work.

I just want a man to look at me the way Doc from back to the future looks when something exciting happens.

“Want to come watch the game Saturday at 8:00?”

Well I’m going rollerskating at 1:00, so yeah I should be out of the hospital by then.

My sister just had a baby and I texted the family group chat “oh shit new nephew just dropped” and no one found it funny they were just ashamed of me, which they should be

[parent-teacher conference] *tries to quietly open a can of beer*

UBER DRIVER: Where to
ME: One sec. Siri, where the best place to dispose of an uber driver’s body
SIRI: The bog
ME: nearest bog please

Will Smith’s “Bad Boys: Ride or Die” opened to an estimated $56M in theaters over the weekend. Which is great! Anything less than that would’ve been a slap in the face.

America: School 6-18 should be free. More than free! MANDATORY
“Hey can you cover school 19-22 also?”
No that’s socialism
“19-20?”
SOCIALISM

<gets on elevator >

Pushes all the buttons

Hugs everyone

Prays out loud that we’re not going to die

Gets off at the 2nd floor

Laughs

My friend used a fancy new charcoal soap and now she looks sketchy.

IDGAF if you’re black, white, yellow, brown or blue.

Well, I do if you’re blue, I’ll stop and give you CPR if you’re blue.

I birthed my kid faster than she can put on shoes

Will I understand Se7en if I didn’t see 1ne though Si6?

If I worked in a used record store I would tell every customer “all sales are vinyl” until I was fired.
It would be worth it.

“Oh, hey! I didn’t even recognize you!” means “I saw you and tried to avoid you, but here you are.”

I’m sorry for the things I said when you opened a new gallon of milk when there was one already open

Kids, we can go to the pet expo BUT WE ARE NOT GETTING ANY ANIMALS. WE ALREADY HAVE A DOG

*leaves with two lizards, a fish & a baby giraffe

Agency: Why have you decided to adopt children?

Me: I’m trying to get on the Buzzfeed funny parent list

Agency:

Me: Children are the future

“Uhm, EXCUSE me, my eyes are out HERE.” — Hammerhead sharks

If you see a road sign that says ‘Survey Crew Ahead’, they do not want you to stop and answer questions. I know that now.

I’m in trouble with the wife because I toss and turn so much she can’t lean the iPad against me while watching her show about a lady who murders her husband.

Whoever said imitation is the sincerest form of flattery hasn’t had a 7yo mimicking their every word for the last 10 minutes.

If it hurts you more than it hurts them, you’re probably holding the Taser wrong.

Yes, autocorrect. That’s right. I wash clothes in my washington machine.

*tries hard*

*fails*

*tries flaccid*

Please say a prayer for my 8 year old son, he has to write 4 sentences.

How many glasses of wine equals two servings of fruit?

Asking for a friend.

Took my daughter to get preschool shots today. I know she’s a bit young for alcohol, but we had to celebrate this new chapter in her life.