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Therapist: please tell me a little about what brought you both here today.
Wife: We don’t talk. Plus he is so literal.
Me: My truck.
Why is it called In N Out when the line is 10 miles long
hey maybe ur parents care so much about ur birthday becuase it celebrates how long theyve been able to keep something alive for
*leaves the kids w/ a new babysitter
*calls to check on the sitter
A suspect in the Pearson gold heist has been arrested after flying into Toronto from India. Unfortunately, he flew in with Air Canada so all the evidence on him has been misplaced or damaged.
boba fett is short for robert fettuccine
I have felt uncomfortable before. But we were just passed by a slow moving hearse and funeral cars… My son is dressed as the grim reaper.
He f**ng waved.
velma: this man has been dressing up as a ghost and haunting the amusement park at night
judge: look, that’s really weird but you were still trespassing on his property
spin the bottle, except you have to murder the person it lands on
her: this is a baby shower
Me: It just feels like you’re holding me to outdated standards
My mum: Oh? Let’s see if my grandkids agree OH NO WAIT
Me: how many bears do you think we could fight as a family
Wife: none you idiot
Me: oh
*growling from closet*
Wife: WHAT HAVE YOU DONE??
just saw Gravity. excuse me while I go hug the earth.
how does a Matrix movie work in 2021? I’m supposed to be scared of living in a fake reality, trapped forever in 1999? Shit frost my tips and log me in
The invention of the shovel was groundbreaking
Any ghost sophisticated enough to haunt a hotel is going to find the 13th floor whether you have an elevator button for it or not.
Family Celebrity
Pro tip: fake having telekinesis powers by throwing stuff at people as soon as they’re not looking
Gave my Dad a ouija board so we can keep in touch after he gave my Mom a vacuum for her birthday
i saw someone say on facebook once, very seriously, that irish dancing was invented as a form of resistance against the english so the irish could be hiding behind bushes and the english wouldn’t be able to see that they were dancing with their legs.
You know that really private/embarrassing stuff you say to your girlfriend when no one else is around? Her friends know all that shit.
Last night, I hid the Oreos under my son’s folded clothes in a basket and asked him to put it away… which he SWEARS he did.
Now he’s standing in front of the pantry freaking out that the Oreos are gone. Who wants to tell him?
Sure, everyone thinks a chubby dude in a diaper shooting people with a bow & arrow is cute until I do it at Starbucks & please send bail.
I often miss my train in the morning. And during the rest of the day. I never should have given away that train
Having a dramatic falling out with somebody is so embarrassing .. people will be like “what happened” and now you have to sound like a 7-year-old
You know what this new carpet needs? For me to open a tube of blue toothpaste, and jump up and down on it.
– My 4yo. Apparently.
didn’t turn any of my pre-dawn work alarms off bc i thought i needed to panic for no reason on my days off
would be a terrible security guard. too easily bribed. I’d be out there saying “and these potato chips you offer, are they flavoured?”
I don’t need WebMD to tell me what’s wrong with me, I have my mother.
Noted.
I’m so jealous that guys can poop standing up