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Never let kids google names of Pokémon characters unsupervised, Squirtle in particular
Guy: If u won lotto, what’d u get?
Me: A cat sitter
G: To take extra good care of Sox?
M: *pictures a cat in a suit taking care of me* Yes
I hope George Clooney dumps his wife so he and Brad Pitt can finally be happy together.
Apocalypse life hack: mute the news and play White Stripes “seven nation army”. It’s still horrible but it feels so much cooler
Not today. 😅
Me: Would you have a minute to speak about my lord and savior, nachos supreme?
Her: Sir, for the last time just tell me your order.
Instead of cursing and swearing when someone cuts me off in traffic, I just yell lyrics from Spice Girl songs out the window
“I think that kid’s a robot”
What?
“Look at his mouth”
Relax they’re just braces
*backs away slowly*
“That’s exactly what a robot would say”
I’m keeping an eye on the cult headquarters, call that compound interest
When an elevator stops on a floor and no one gets on or off, I always think ghost.
smoking a cigarette reduces your life by 11min unless you smoke it real fast then it only takes like 3 or 4
[Concert]
Triangle player: *proudly playing his triangle
[Octagon player struts on stage]
Triangle player: “What the-“
Behemoth?
No. Hebebutterfly.
My yoga instructor says I need to work on my breathing.
But I mean, 41 years, still alive. I kinda got it.
What I said: Brush your teeth.
What my 4yo heard: Use the toothbrush to clean the bathroom floor.
11: Mom if you’re sweating in a sweater does that make you the sweater?
Me: Just brush your teeth.
A burglar checking the hollowed out space in my Bible and finding a smaller Bible
I dropped a pill and while I was on the floor looking for it, I found a different, better, pill. So, that was cool.
Before kids: I’d choose going blind over going deaf.
After kids: Deaf! I wanna be deaf!
7yo: Can I have some candy?
Me: No, not until after dinner.
7yo: Oh. *holds up empty candy wrapper* I accidentally snuck some.
Little known fact: Scotland is just an elaborate hoax with Mike Myers playing all of its citizens.
[planning a heist]
Guy: it’s gonna be an inside job
Me, hates going outside: nice
Got to my dad’s house and he was showing me all the food he has for me to snack on and he goes “and I have a guacamole ball” what’s a guacamole ball you ask? well I will tell you. an avocado. He has an avocado.
If you’re a pilot with a man bun, I’m calling you Top Bun, and you can’t stop me.
[aircraft carrier]
*paints a T on the helipad*
Captain: No it has to have an H
Me: Why?
*train sounds approaching*
Captain: Oh dear god
Hey guys, remember when you could still refer to your knees as right and left instead of good and bad? Good times.
Skywritten letters:
SUSAN I DON’T HAVE A LOT OF MONEY FOR THIS WRITING BUT THIS IS HOW I WANTED TO PROPOSE; WILL YOU MAR
“What? Only 2% Milk? Then what’s the other 98%!?”
[bull walking confidently out of the factory]
Oh you don’t wanna know
Orcas seemed to have stopped attacking people and somehow that’s scarier. What are they planning?
‘I want to gossip but professionally.’
– news anchors