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im about to go on a date. im sure it will be perfectly normal and wont go viral or anything…
The dog was pooping and before he finished a woman approached me and asked “Are you going to pick this up?” I picked it up and replied to her “I have no choice, this is my food”, and I walked away.
Me: Do you like my new negligé?
Him: Are you wearing bubble wrap?
Me: You said put something on that would keep you occupied for hours.
Establish dominance by jumping into a cake.
Wife just shouted to me to get my big chopper out .After the panic subsided, I realised she meant we were out of firewood for the stove.
Now THIS is a Drinking Problem.
this atm and my therapist need to get together and pick a lane
Find you a girl that can lay eggs.
Gym instructor: What’s your main purpose for working out?
Me: Knorr cubes. Yea. Need to be strong enough to break them.
opening twitter today
What idiot called them ‘religious pamphlets’ and not ‘belieflets’?
I bet Santa has 3 lists now:
Naughty, nice, and people who’ve left him healthy snacks instead of cookies.
Startle and amuse your cat by replacing its kitty litter with Poprocks. (Ladies: feel free to share this idea on your pinny website thing.)
I’m best man at my buddy’s second wedding… Is it appropriate to open my dinner speech with
“Welcome back everyone”
Lifehack: dress your young children in the colors of the food you are serving them to avoid outfit changes.
Drink lots of muppet milk to keep your fur soft and manageable and your eyes their googliest.
99% of people who quote Ayn Rand have either never read her or have never read her
Ik the point of all cult documentaries is anyone can fall into a cult but I rly don’t see it happening for me just bc I’m sooo lazy and the odds of me signing up for an empowerment or healing workshop are below zero like I hate having stuff to do
Me: I can’t wait to say goodbye to 2021!
2022: *Somehow already on fire*
Son: Mom
Son: Mom
Son: Mom
Son: Mom
OUIJA BOARD: F F S W H A T ???
Son: Have you seen my other shoe?
Twilight is the literary World War I: you thought this was as bad as it could get, but then WWII/Fifty Shades happened.
me: truth or dare
government: truth
me: is Wyoming real
government: dare
Having a dog around pretty much denies any opportunity to take advantage of the 5 second rule on a dropped chip
I’m like that guy at the beginning of infomercials that is unable to do simple shit, i just burns everything and i cant figure out blankets.
[two women sunbathing in garden]
“It’s so nice out here”
“Where’s that creepy guy who lives next door?”
HEDGE “He’s away for the weekend”
Me: [Nudges friend] You should see what I just wrote on the bathroom wall.
Friend: Uh… You do know we’re at my house right?
People who say that their wedding day was the best day ever have obviously never had a KitKat that turns out to be just solid chocolate.
“why y’all clapping at 3AM?”
What can you do when your in-laws give uncomfortably long hugs while greeting you?
Search their pockets. You might want to ask if they’re carrying anything sharp like knives or needles.
I know that now.
lmao
