Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: Keep absolutely still. His vision is based on movement

Vampire: That’s a T-Rex, idiot

*pronounces ‘comb’ like ‘bomb’ eighteen times during interview at Great Clips.

Hell hath no fury like a woman proving herself by parallel parking

[on my deathbed]

me: make sure the kids remember their dear ol’ dad

wife: dave isn’t old

me: what

rich people: i want to help

everyone: donate your money

rich people: if only there was something i could do

everyone: donate your money

rich people: some sort of gesture

everyone: donate. your. money.

rich people: here’s the lyrics to “same love” superimposed over a sunset!

My therapist: And how are you doing this week?

Me: Oh. I’m good. Great. Things are great. How are you?

Wearing ‘EarPods’ is my favorite way of making the rest of the world believe my verbal outbursts are part of a heated phone conversation.

“It’s still inside my pencil” is the best answer I’ve ever had from a first grader who was asked, “Where’s your journal writing?”

She wanted me to impress her in the bedroom so I showed her my organised sock drawer and my fresh matching bedding

i once had a doctor named doctor. dr. doctor. doc doc, for short. who i introduced to my ball-player friend, richard michael gossage. “doc doc, goose,” i said. folks,,

Me: You’re SURE you know how to cut hair?

Wife: I told you I watched a YouTube video

[first episode of tv show]

Guy: Hi

Guy’s friend of 25 years: You’ve been my friend for 25 years

NURSE: the doctor has pronounced your father dead

ME: oh my god we’ve been calling him dad all this time

How are the neighbors supposed to free load off your WiFi if the signal barely makes it to the living room.

Looking forward to getting my eyes checked. It’s the only doctor who doesn’t weigh me.

“You’ll sleep when I’m dead” — my phone

In my defense, I never said that I had “completed the project.” I said that I was “done working on it.” Two totally different things.

I’m sick of these libs telling me I can’t say “Happy Honda Days” because I might offend someone who celebrates Toyotathon. So, I guess I’m supposed to wish everyone a “Happy Winter Car Sale”?

The first step to forgiveness is acknowledging that the other person is a complete twat.

My milkshake brings all the boys to the graveyard and they’re like AAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

HEADLINE: Recent Studies Show Old White Dudes Possibly Becoming Obsolete. “This is bad for everybody,” say Old White Dudes.

Why do people talking about legal matters use the term “in a court of law?” In the context of your very legal story, Karen, what the hell kind of court did you think I was imagining?

That’s the last time I go out drinking with you Kevin!

Whatever, hissing raccoon. Sitting there, judging me. I didn’t mean to throw the cake in the trash so it’s still fair game.

Woo! Let’s get this weekend started!

*Starts doing laundry*

I just spent ten minutes waving back to a guy in a storefront window before I realized he was just cleaning the glass.

*walks up to fountain*
*throws in a shiny penny*
*crosses fingers*
*makes wish*
*looks over at mother-in-law*
*does throat slash motion*

You never know how strong you are until someone’s story runs more than 5 minutes long

Be vigilant

Naps are like gambling for the tired. You either wake up refreshed or wake up the next day to lots of angry texts.