Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

zookeeper: [putting up sign] do not feed the animals
giraffe: [also putting a sign up somehow] the zoo does not speak on our behalf

Wife: Can you make the bed

Me, a failed carpenter: Ok that’s low, Sharon

Once you commit to the idea of a closed casket funeral it really takes a lot of pressure off how you live your life.

My kids accidentally knocked down Elfie and what followed was a total freak out about how he’ll lose his powers.

But I eventually calmed down.

MECHANIC: listen, I’m not sure if I can fix this

FRED FLINTSTONE: *cradling his broken legs*

waiter: wine?

date: I don’t drink

waiter: water?

me: she said she doesn’t drink pal

That cute little run women do when they’re wearing heels and dresses remind me of that time I almost pooped my pants

I think it’s unfair that when a human eats uncooked fish it’s “sushi,” but when a fish eats uncooked human, it’s “a shark attack.”

When I travel I just throw my clothes in a suitcase because I know as an Arab they will search me at the airport and fold my clothes neatly.

I’m not interested in men anymore, my focus is on buffets.

I love you but I still wish your family would just pay the ransom.

when I say “I want a boyfriend” I mean that I want to magically wake up one day in a peaceful and balanced 5 year relationship, not that I want to date or meet people or put in the effort towards making it a tangible reality

I’m down 10 lbs since Christmas and all I did was drink more water and stop eating gingerbread houses.

If Windows Updates was a person, it would be that one neighbour who won’t stop talking to you at the most inconvenient of times.

😂😂

[during sex]

me: hurt me
him *makes me a peanut butter sandwich using crunchy peanut butter*

[ground control to major tom] so like, what time is it in space right now?

I only shave on days when I’ll be having sex.

I live life as a yeti now.

Remember don’t judge, you never know what another person is going through

Unless they’re constantly oversharing on Facebook, then go ahead

[army training]

Sergeant: dude you gotta stop crying
Me, sobbing uncontrollably: this is torture
Sergeant: everyone has to make their own bed

Growing up I didn’t think the expensive addiction that would ruin me would be Heinz ketchup but here we are

Annoying to think of how many lives on the Titanic could have been saved if only they had seen the movie.

Why did the cup of tea I made you explode in your face?

I used Michael Bay leaves.

I’ll leave.

Science can’t explain it, but some hairs can grow up to a quarter inch overnight. Never in a good spot though

COP: Is this man bothering you ma’am?

ME: She’s my wife

MY WIFE: [mouthing and nodding yes behind me]

Kids are a great reminder that, when life knocks you down, you can’t stay down for long. No, because literally they’re going to ask you to make them a sandwich like right after.

The fireworks have been over for hours but Rex is still barking, which is weird because he’s 12 years old and not a dog. Weird little kid.

I see dead people.

No wait, I take that back.

I see people I want dead.

Me: *driving kids to school unshowered*

Anxiety: What if you crash and the first responders realize you haven’t showered?

if i pay $15 for a bottle of water at a concert or a sporting event, i better drown