1965~ Wow Cher looks good
1985 ~ Wow Cher looks good
1995 ~ Wow Cher looks good
2020 ~Wow Cher looks good
3035 ~ Wow Cher looks good
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Sorry I use grammar, punctuation and complete sentences. I was raised in a wealthy home where we wasted characters without a second thought.
Even if I were taking a dump on the moon someone would walk in and sit down in the stall next to me.
The Great Wall of China is one of the 7 wonders of the world just because it’s a Chinese product that’s lasted more than a month.
Hey if a public bathroom door is locked don’t forget to try to repeatedly open it and give the person using it paralyzing anxiety
Not a creature was stirring, not even a… oops never mind, the Aussies are up.
It’s not a coincidence that we use the term “committed” to refer to both relationships and a stay at a mental institution
I hate when my MacBook start breathing heavy
God: your name is Owl.
Owl: who?
God: you. your name is Owl.
Owl: I know I’m just messin with ya.
God: ok then state your name.
Owl: your name. lol.
God: are you serious?
Owl: no i’m Owl : )
God:
Owl:
God: [under breath] you’ve made a powerful enemy today.
Owl: who?
some of you take your Halloween decorations seriously, and IT shows
I accidentally told my kid I paid for a toy “that Santa brought” and now I’m stuck in an elaborate web of lies please send help.
Me: I wish my life was like a Disney movie
Genie: *snaps fingers*
Me: …what changed?
Genie: your mom was shot in the woods
So when a bear steals a picnic basket it’s “endearing” and “funny” but when I do it it’s “rude” and “unsanitary”
If I learned anything from Peter Pan, it’s that I can leave my dog to watch my kids while I go out and party.
When assembling your dog, please read the instructions carefully.
You strike me as one of those people who show up and debunk all the fun in the last 2 minutes of an otherwise scintillating UFO TV program.
Uber, but for someone coming to your house and opening jars when you’re mad at your spouse.
Just watched a dog chase its tail for 10 min., thought “damn so easily entertained” then realized I watched a dog chase his tail for 10 min.
It’s saying something when you marry Charles Manson and you look like the crazy one.
Stages of going to bed:
1. I won’t stay up too late.
2. Oh no.
Learning to cook watching the Food Network. Today I made a puréed nut spread with a grape reduction on brioche bread…
If you call pooping ‘taking a dumpling’ it’s too cute for people to care where you did it
her: so we could have sex
me: 🙁
her: or we could do the complex fight choreography you came up with
me: 🙂
her: [sigh] i’ll get the katanas
MURDERER: [looking for me] You better of hidden well or you’re dead
ME: [under bed, tears in my eyes] It’s better HAVE
Stop buying plastic skeletons for Halloween. It’s terrible for the environment. Locally sourced, all natural skeletons are much more environmentally friendly.
This TikTok trend might be my favorite so far
Picture a travel softball team doing a TikTok dance in a public restroom.
Now picture me stuck in the stall because they have to re-record 12 times to get it “post-worthy.”
Can you guess where I’m tweeting from?
Why do drugs after 30 when you can just stand up too fast?
As we start watching horror movies for October, this is more relevant than ever.
Wife: Rock the baby.
Me: *plugs in amp*
You know those women who write love letters to prisoners? Their vote counts just as much as yours.