1965~ Wow Cher looks good
1985 ~ Wow Cher looks good
1995 ~ Wow Cher looks good
2020 ~Wow Cher looks good
3035 ~ Wow Cher looks good
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Why are they called air marshals and not plane clothes policemen
If you love a balloon, set it free. If it comes back to you, it probably wasn’t a balloon.
he asked “what are we?” i said we the best
[home late]
Where were you?
“Uh, with my.. gf?”
Gf? Well, tell us about her! What’s her name?
[commercial on tv] uh.. Lisa.. Brandnewtoyota
In case you were wondering, Taco Bell offers free wi-fi.
Don’t bother asking for the password, because it’s totally “Cornhole Explosion”.
Winter sex: “Let’s do this”. *slowly takes off all three pairs of rugby socks, wipes nose, continues to take off more socks*
genius
Justin Bieber songs are much more enjoyable when you replace the word “girl” with “gerbil”.
dinosaur: how’d you die
human: stupid
if you love something, set it free. If it immediately bites your throat and drags you up a tree, you love a leopard and should try to escape
Daughter just wandered in after being put to bed and I hid the ice cream I was eating like it was a joint.
I had a cat and a Beta fish once. Then I left my apartment for a minute. After that I had a cat.
me: lol THAT’S your sword?
enemy: this blade can cut through steel
me: [confidently] I’m not even made out of steel you idiot
From the other room:
DO YOU EVEN UNDERSTAND WHAT MISCOMMUNICATION IS?Me: *nods*
Sure, a cooking robot was a great idea til he became sentient & burned your house down cause you didn’t fully appreciate his chicken Vesuvio
*At the bar
Me)May I sit here?
Her)I have a boyfriend
Me)That’s ok, I’m 50. I just want to sit down
Fun fact: Malcolm X was not his birth name. He was originally Malcolm Twitter.
Isaac Newton was the pride of the family until his great great grandson Fig was born.
Avril Lavigne: He was a boy, she was a girl, can I make it any more obvious?
Homicide detective: I’m gonna need you to try.
Bringing back the word zoinks but only for when someone shows me their baby.
“So how was your day today at work?”
“You wouldn’t believe me if I told you.” 🤦♂️😳🤯😂
4 y.o: I used the potty. Can I have a treat?
Me: No. You always go in the potty
4: I can stop
Me:
Apparently I negotiate with terrorists
Just found out my wife is pregnant.
Considering we haven’t had sex in two years, we’ve decided to name him Jesus
Ask your doctor if doctors are right for you. Make them self conscious. Question their motives. Die unnecessarily young and smug.
[doorbell]
delivery guy: parcel for Moose Allain
me: oh, thanks
delivery guy: can I just take a photo?
me: haha yes, of course, where would you like me to
delivery guy: of the parcel
*hears giggling kids
7: Then baby cows can just walk into my house!
Me (in the bathroom): WHAAAAT?
If I hug you longer than 3 seconds, I’m picking your pockets.
Whenever I hear snapping, I always fear I’m walking into a battle between rival gangs from West Side Story.
Maybe your dog was descended from wolves; mine wants a mint on his pillow and concierge service.
There are usually two types of merchants.
