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Haha, if i’m supposed to be at work right now then how come me & my friend dale are at the park watching a priest use a crucifix to break up a fight between a raccoon & a telephone repairman?
Fitness level – too much Popeyes, zero spinach
so dumb when forks have less than four pokey things. who do u think u are. a threek? ha
remember you can close your eyes and imagine a mouse holding a cocktail umbrella walking across a spaghetti noodle tight rope any time you want. no one can stop you
I’m at the point where my mind thinks I’m 29, my knees suggests I’m 80, and my back wonders why I’m not dead yet.
things to call your girlfriend:
sugar
honey
flour
egg
salt
butter
stir thoroughly
pour into pan
preheat oven to 350
bake for 15min
enjoy
*lowers car suspension to look more gangster*
*takes 12 minutes to ride over a speedbump*
feb 14: i love everything about u
feb 15: don’t breathe like that
I’ve just found a mole on my shoulder.
I don’t know how he got out of the garden but he’s cute.
Normal people flirting: Hey you’re cute we should go out sometime
Me flirting: So do you like bread
I have the body of a 21 year old bodybuilder. Can I borrow a shovel?
ME: What do you recommend? It’s our anniversary
WAITRESS AT WAFFLE HOUSE: You should try a waffle
I just want to live in a world where every slice of bacon is perfectly fried, beer flows freely from the kitchen tap, pandemics are a thing of the past…
… and that world peace thing.
Me: how are you
Friday: good
It’s incredible how fast toddlers move. I had my eyes on my 1yo and looked away for 30 seconds and now I need to pick her up at the airport.
Him: You hang up first.
Me: *click
In case anyone needs to feel better about their parenting, my 9yo saw someone inside Build-a-Bear wearing a reindeer costume and said, “Look Mom, it’s a furry.”
Vegans think they will live longer than us, but they don’t realize they are 100 times more likely to be murdered mid conversation.
I’d like to live in a small town where they still do festivals, play fun games and raffles, bake pies and other delicious food, and sacrifice to the Gods..
I never chase a man.
I always go for the ones who are too fat to run.
Everyone else time travelling: *preventing wars or the spread of disease*
Me: *buys multiple pairs of my favorite shoes they’ve stopped making*
I have never flown first class. Does the food just taste better because you get to lie down while you eat it?
HR has told me to stop saying ‘how stupid can you be?’ to members of staff. They’re worried it’s being taken as a challenge.
Walmart customers are classless.
You shouldn’t drink Cabernet from a Pringle’s can.
Those cans are meant strictly for Pinot Noir.
DARTH VADER: the plans for the jeff star are complete my lord
DARTH SIDIOUS: *jeff* star?
DV: fire!
[jeff star kills like, 7 or 8 jeffs]
Me when someone tries to get to know me
Mum: Oh I’ve always wanted to try one of these , *leans in* Alexa, what’s your name?
Me:
I get knocked down, but I get…ooooh look, a fruit snack
When I said I was a “first responder” I meant that I am quick to send the thumbs up emoji in the family text thread.