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Spend $200 on cat toys
Cats: OMFG A Q-TIP
Have you ever met someone that was like the human form of slow WiFi?
wife: you need to do more around the house
me: can you change the subject please?
wife: yes, this house needs more work done by you
So many people say “if my memory serves me correctly” and I’m actually quite shocked at the amount of servants named Memory…….
So, nothing rhymes with orange, huh?
*changes name to MC Orange, wins every rap battle, and retires undefeated*
*watching the first MI, Tom Cruise sends a message to max@job 3:14
me: pfft that’s not a valid email address format, no wonder it’s called Mission Impossible
wife:
me: I mean some of the other stuff seems pretty improbable too
You could date someone willing to catch a grenade for you I guess that’s cool but how about someone who always carries a tennis racket, wouldn’t that be a bit smarter?
Sesame Street didn’t prepare me for any of this bullshit.
“Food expiration dates are lies. It’s all about control.” My knife breaks as I cut into a plate of milk. “I’m saving this for later.”
“so she’s gay now?”
yeah she turned in all the paperwork last week and her acceptance letter came this morning, it was all pretty sudden
Finally, a month dedicated to nut allergy awareness.
My shoes have cute flowers on them so of course I’m looking at those instead of watching where I’m going
Cartoons led me to believe I would have a lot more opportunities to steal pies cooling on window sills
A Trojan ball of yarn shows up at the cat lady’s house and 40 squirrels come running out.
11-year-old: *practicing her saxophone at home* How was that?
Me: Great!
11: Want to hear it again?
Me: I can only take so much greatness in one day.
Me: *explains math problem*
Tween: I don’t understand.
Me: *explains the exact same way except more aggravated*
5 SECONDS AGO!
What do we want?
TIME TRAVEL JOKES!
When do we want them?
You can’t scare me. You’re not my child telling me that she’s tidied my bedroom and that there’s a surprise..
What a rip off.
There’s no pot in this chicken-pot-pie.
Coca Cola: Because drinking black water seems like a solid life choice.
Me, about to cook non-English food: time to start culinising
#Caturday
could a mosquito drink blood out of a cup or something or are they legally required to capri sun my legs all summer
Me: Forgive me, Father, for I have sinned. A big one.
Priest: Murder, my child?
Me: Worse. Pronounced the ‘t’ in often.
Priest: *gasp*
My boss got bit by a snake so I bandaged his wound so tight just to make sure the venom won’t drain out.
DATE: my eyes are up here
ME: [imediately looking up from their dog] sorry
Forget roses, lay her down on a bed of cheeseburgers.
My teen said my new shoes are dank, so now I need to google what that means and decide if I’m happy or mad.
when my daughter is mad she points at me and delivers what I can only assume is a gypsy curse
When you go to buy fire insurance for your house, don’t tell them you need it by a certain date.