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*wins lottery*
Me: fill it to the top, Jeeves
Jeeves: But ma’am, your pool—
Me: I SAID MORE MAC AND CHEESE!!!
me: what’s it even got to be scared of, it’s *wood*
her: I said it’s *petrified* wood
me: I know what the word means plz don’t talk down to me
I’m as clever as the person who named bagpipes
the hippothalmus is the part of the brain that controls how hungry hungry you get
My kid put her little stethoscope to my stomach and told me I was “full of bees,” and now I’m stressed because I’m pretty confident my insurance won’t cover this.
My husband & I finally have an afternoon away from the kids. And then our son texts the family group chat:
“So do we have super glue?”
It’s called a “Monte Cristo” sandwich because one day it will return disguised as another sandwich & seek its revenge
ME: *first day working at LinkedIn* You need to have a DM jail feature
CEO: That’s a great idea
ME: Call it ClinkedIn
CEO: Get out!
[police lineup]
Cop: Number 3, say, “Gimme your purse, you old hag.”
Me: You’ve got it wrong. I said “old woman,” not “old hag.”
Me: Achoo!
People trying to scare me: Boo!
My bladder: I hate October.
My favorite part of eating alone at this trendy restaurant was when the waitress asked if I had cats because I had cat hair, “all over.”
Direct deposit: +1400
Me at Cheesecake Factory: yeah I’ll take one of each slice
I turned on my computer and it went “Word” and I was like “Yo”.
don’t be sad laundry, nobody’s doing me either
*lying in bed*
*drops chip down cleavage*
*thinks, I’m so tired, leave it
*also, mmmmm, breakfast*
I really don’t believe all of these women on here are actually named “Sassy”
Me as a bachelor contestant: “you’re not talking to any other girls, right?”
Hoping to get “till death do us part” reduced to a 15 year sentence and time served.
Pro tip: Turn any sofa into a sofa bed by telling your girl to calm down.
[Running away from home]
Me: I didn’t even know houses could run this fast!
[first day as skydiving instructor]
Me, holding back tears: some of you aren’t gonna make it
Billionaires: Don’t call us “billionaires” call us “people of means” also this hot tub water’s getting a bit too warm why are you adding carrots and potatoes
[100 degree summer day]
me: this is so nice, I’ve got the AC running, TV and a pizza
people who love camping: ok, hear me out
My kidneys: WE NEED WATER!!
My bladder: Don’t listen to them.
I suffer from a rare condition called OCDC, which forces me to salute all of those who are about to rock.
Apparently the safe word has changed to…
NOT THERE IDIOT!!! Followed by a swift elbow to the eye….
Every craft store needs an aisle labeled So Your Child Has a School Project Due Tomorrow.
The average human walks 900 miles per year and drinks 22 gallons of coffee.
This means that the average human gets 41 miles per gallon.
I replaced the bulb in my refrigerator with a tanning bulb… that way if I ever get fat, at least I’ll have nice color.
I’m sorry, but pouring some sugar on someone just sounds like a housekeeping nightmare.