Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Interviewer: Can you explain this space on your resume?

Neil Armstrong: …yes.

bank collapse? no worries here, all my money is tied up in the groceries i bought this weekend

TV: Are you prepared for an earthquake?

*thinks about the 175 Hot Pockets in the freezer*

Me: Yes.

“How is tofu made?”

Well, when an edamame loves an edadade very much….

u could put a horse in a time machine and send it to any era and the horse’s life would literally be the same

People who hate candy corn love telling you.

Monster mom: Is it a GIRL?
Monster dad: Is it a BOY?

Midwife: It has 12 fingers and 4 toes. Just be grateful you created a monster!

I put cucumbers, lemons, lime, and mint leaves in my water today thinking I was fancy…my one student gonna yell out and say “Ms. Luck got a salad in her water”
*students erupt in laughter*

WOMAN: [disgusted] some people shouldn’t have children

ME: [gently placing my son in her shopping cart] thank you

Teacher: Can anyone give me an example of guilty by association?

The Horse I rode in on: *Raises Hoof*

Me: *has cold*

Internet remedies:
-feed it
-deep breaths
-stay active
-fast
-don’t breathe
-suspend yourself in mid air
-click like and subscribe

Admittedly, this is an incredible comeback.

Judging by this one leg hair I found, I have missed this spot with the razor everyday since 1985. So sexy.

“You ruined everything.”

-People exaggerating when you only ruined like one or two things, tops

my husband’s quarantine amazon cart: – fruit and vegetable seeds
– toilet paper
– educational toys for the kids

my quarantine amazon cart:
– four (4) horse masks
– a theatrical quality replica of elsa’s dress from frozen 2
– a lifesize cardboard cutout of richard madden

Runner: What’s your fastest race?

Me: Taking the trash out at night

people complain a lot about the airport but i find it pretty hard to criticize a community that so strongly embraces breakfast pizza and sleeping on the ground

Your gene pool should be drained, the area bleached & the ground burned & salted. But other than that you seem like a great person.

DOCTOR: when was the last time you exercised?

ME: *thinking about holding the thermometer under my tongue* dude you were there

I cannot believe all of these people are out!

-Me when I’m out

[inventor of frisbee]

“I hate this plate”

I didn’t eat the side of fries bc they were soggy, room temperature and not bringing any joy. So yeah I’m on the Marie Kondo diet now.

The average person gains 4 pounds during the holidays. Once again, I’m above average.

I worked as a ticket runner during the Oakland Raiders football season. I’d get a text,

“I’m wearing a silver hat, silver jacket; I’m at the bar.”

It was the most challenging game of “Where’s Waldo?” I ever played.

I tell my kids to charge their iPads and then I charge them cause who’s really punished when they’re dead?

People often say “I’m too young for this shit” or “I’m too old for this shit” but never “this shit right here is age-appropriate”

***TRAVEL NEWS***

A truckload of E45 has overturned on its way to Sam from Cheers’ house. Agnetha from ABBA happened to be passing, so is helping to clear up the mess with a shovel.

See that girl.

Watch that scene.

Diggin’ the Danson cream.

Dispatcher: “The call is coming from inside the house!”
Me, moments from being murdered: “I have a landline?”

Me: I’d like to apologise for my behaviour

Host: No need, you haven’t done anything wrong

Me: I haven’t started yet

Why don’t they make Neapolitan ice cream but with 3 better flavors?