Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

A friend was talkin about her expensive face lotion. She said she was confused about it runnin out so fast. She finally asked her husband & he said he wondered why she kept buyin such tiny bottles. Fool was using it on his whole body😭. Said it was silkiest skin era of HIS LIFE

ALEX TREBEK: well that’s important work you’re doing; the orphanage probably loves you

CONTESTANT: thank you

ME, SWEATING:

TREBEK: Matt, from new york, it says here you once got your hand stuck in a sink, tell us about that

Man: I’d like an order of buffalo wings
Bartender: sorry, we don’t serve food here
*a sandwich that just walked in flips a table and leaves*

I hate it when some random company refers to me as their “customer.”

I’m like, look we had one night of drunken shopping, we are NOT in a relationship

As I was getting into bed she said: You’re drunk.
I said, how do you know?
She said, You live next door.

[playing frisbee with my dog]
Me [out of breath]: boy, you’re a lot heavier than I thought

Me- owns 2 pairs of pants

My 8 month old, who has no where to go-

If you purchase flame retardant pants, you can tell all the f****ng lies you want.

How much credibility is there in that whole “you can punch yourself handsome” theory?
Asking for a friend.

What in all holy hell is going on with this box of toilet paper I just got from Amazon

Dinosaurs never could’ve survived til the present day. Could you imagine a stegosaurus in a Honda Civic? It’d be totally ridiculous in 2017.

Something about watching Catfish makes me wanna catfish someone so bad and I don’t think that’s what they’re going for

[Dramatically turning from the jukebox and flipping my collar]

“May I have this dance?”

[Who Let The Dogs Out starts blaring]

Sometimes I answer the door in a towel when I get an Amazon delivery. Even if I’m wearing clothes underneath.

Just heard a coworker say “yeah they’re trying to live bicuriously through their children”

What’s going on under there? Nobody has to know but you. – Poncho salesman

*pointing at a mothers shrieking baby* is this guy bothering you?

Bro just recorded the rarest moment in history

Apparently, this is how the world ends.

Imma just leave this here…………

Sorry I’m late but my goldfish needed a bath.

I believe that’s the month between Septempril and Novembruary.

The most important part of living undetected in someone’s attic is to have fun and be yourself

*After a dental appointment*

4: Daddy the scientist cleaned my teeth and I don’t have to brush my teeth anymore!

Countries whose names are lies:

• Chile – pretty warm
• Ivory Coast – it’s sand
• Greenland – nope
• Turkey – not a flightless bird
• United Kingdom

[my attorney after our first day in court] leave the sock puppet at home tomorrow

wife: “what on earth are you doing?”
me: “making a penguin”
wife: “that’s a pigeon”
me: [opening freezer door] “not for long”

I get Botox so my face won’t show people what I really think.

So cute how this taxi driver is taking an unnecessarily long route and driving slowly so he gets to spend more time with me.

when i mistake a brief silence during an argument with my wife as my turn to speak