Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

1. Denial
2. Anger
3. Bargaining
4. Depression
5. Acceptance
– My stages of getting ready for work

I attend weddings purely to be fortunate enough to hear those two little words that always bring tears to my eyes – “open bar”

so long suckers! i rev up my motorcylce and create a huge cloud of smoke. when the cloud dissipates im lying completely dead on the pavement

The key to doing well at wordle is to think Britishly

You had one job 🤦🏻‍♀️

Cellulite? No thank you. I prefer good old full fat cellu

Is it weird to think about mac and cheese during sex?

Ma’am, I just tear the movie tickets. But yes, it’s weird.

What ever happened to simple filters like Black and white or Sepia? Now I need to choose from Funfetti Hufflepuff or Pixie Rave Donkey Punch.

The British are coming! Get ready! Oh wait they’re coming by boat. We have like three months

This might be me.
Follow me for more tips.

Cop: We’re going to charge you with battery
Terminator: Oh you’re a life saver, I’m on 3%

ME: I think human cloning is a big mistake

ALSO ME: ok wow, I’m right here

Hotel reviews are pure chaos. You’ll read, “Breathtaking lobby. Extraordinary suites. My stay filled me with a deep & lasting sense of peace.” Then the next one’s like, “This dump is FILTHY! Elevator was SLOW! Ice machine TIPPED over & I’m STILL pinned BENEATH IT!!!”

I just spilled my protein shake all over myself and all I’m saying is a donut would never do this to me.

Plumber: I think I found the problem

[during sex]

her: do you want to try a new position?

me: ok, ringo really carried the beatles

her: what

me: hufflepuffs are superior to gryffindors

her: stop

Sorry I romantically ran a seagull feather across your lips.

This mosh pit at Chuck E. Cheese ain’t gonna start itself

I’m so talented I can not only spill food on my clothes but I can get it on yours too.

If you believe you can pass a drug test by drinking large amounts of water, you’re just diluting yourself.

I’m so tired, I’m thinking of visiting my grandma just so I can take a swig outta her oxygen tank.

who will die first, you or grey’s anatomy?

(Bedtime)
Me: You know you can ask me anything, buddy- it’s what I’m here for.
8: Do shrimps have necks? Like, could I chop a shrimp in the neck if I had to?
Me: …. Just go to sleep.

If I don’t stick to my diet, people are going to start calling me the last chairbender.

Shortcut

Her: So you wrote Amazing Grace about your ex?

Me: Yes

Her: And now you’ve written one about me! I’m so excit-

Choir master: Now we sing Adequate Rachel

Her: what

“You’re driving us apart!” —Crazy woman you met on eHarmony who’s hanging onto your windshield wipers as you turn the corner

Mid-flight turbulence is just god’s way of preforming confessions at scale

Q: If you could be any animal, which one would you be?

A: The drummer from the Muppets, next question.