1968: One day, computers will improve every area of our lives.
2018: Watching a rapper take a bath with a hairless cat.
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*Pulls up to drive-thru window*
“Extra toilet paper please”
Do you mean napkins?
“Sure, whatever”
Dating someone that actually likes you is wild. Like, what do you mean this person wants me around? And tries to get to know me? And asks what my blood type is? Or if I have both kidneys? Or if I wanna fly out & meet them alone in an abandoned hospital? It’s nice to feel wanted.
Marriage is a little less fairytale and a lot more lying on opposite couches in your rattiest pajamas arguing over which brand of saltine crackers is superior while the same show you never really watch replays on the TV in the background
the host of the party told me to make myself comfortable so I went back home to bed
announcer: now presenting hollywood’s most illegible bachelor!
audience member: you mean eligible?
announcer: [holds up picture of badly drawn stick man]
Unfortunately a recent breakthrough in therapy means I must say goodbye to my comfort swords, my acceptance machete, and my protection bomb.
Still waiting for a politician to abruptly resign because someone on Twitter with 27 followers told them to.
If you’ve never told a cop that pulled you over for doing 88mph or higher that you are a time traveler then have you ever really even tried to get out of a ticket
Me, to the fellas: Load up. We getting magical tonight.
Me: I have Schrödinger like reflexes
“Don’t you mean cat-like reflexes?”
Me: Yes and No.
Sasquatch: *squinting* Nah, I still don’t believe that’s Kate.
my retirement plan is recording a hit Christmas song, i just need to learn how to sing and write music
Where in the hell are Dora the Explorer’s parents? Do they know she’s riding a damn crocodile into a volcano?
“You could have done so much better than him.”
Me: Mom, I’m right here.
Whatever you say to someone, do it while slowly landscaping a tiny zen garden to really bring it home.
Love thy neighbor’s dog
Me: You’ve got to get up pretty early in the morning to pull one over on me
Son: Why? You go to bed at like 6. I’ll just wait till then
[introducing myself to new boyfriends parents]
“Hi, I usually don’t make it this far”
i may or may not be making of small casserole with a half pound of cheese, minimum. maybe a whole pound. maybe more. maybe it will be more cheese than casserole. who knows? not me. stop telling me what to do
I always carry a condom in my wallet in case a date goes unexpectedly well & I need to impress her with my balloon animals skills.
Fired from my job as an autopsy technician for repeatedly asking “are you gonna eat that?” during the procedures.
Occam’s razor: the simplest answer is most often correct
Occam’s toothbrush: show off
health teacher: so, all of our bodies are about 70% water
snowman exchange student: (raises hand)
Women who say getting married was the best day of their life have obviously never had 2 Kitkats fall out of a vending machine by mistake.
OPTOMETRIST: Better or worse? Better or worse?
ME: You don’t *have* to talk during sex
My mom [on the phone]: Hi I can’t talk long
Narrator: But she can. She CAN talk long
If I commit suicide, it’ll be for a shallow reason, like unrequited texts. But the note I leave will mention world hunger at least 11 times.
me: we have developed a fear of boy bands
wife: at the same time
therapist: in sync?
together: *screams*