OWNER: The museum’s ready?
ME: All the artichokes are in place
OWNER: Ha, you mean artifacts
[I slam the door shut]
ME: U cannot go in there
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You can milk cows, goats, and on field soccer injuries.
I think we should have a suggestion box at work but there’s no way for me to bring it up.
Doctor: he broke his legs saving a baby from a house fire
Wife: what really happened?
Me: I thought the cat was trying to teach me parkour
when you burst out your jeans
and then eat human beings
you’re a werewolf
it’s weird that a librarian and a book-keeper are different things
I’m so poor I can only afford Middle Ramen.
—What are we?
—Women!
—What do we want?
— We don’t know!
—When do we want it?
— Now!
Me: time for sleep
Brain: no we need to talk
Me: ugh not now brain
Brain: but this is important
Me: okay fine what is it brain
Brain: *sitting up* my name is brian
Don’t tell me miracles don’t happen, I opened the dryer door and there was nothing inside!
*sees 2% milk in your fridge* wow how’d you get such a low interest rate on your milk?
My 3yo instructed me to be the monster at the park but just as I was about to grab her she shouted “hey monster, it’s lunch time!” so I’m super impressed with her survival skills
I know dropping your phone/keys in a public toilet is bad but have you ever lost a shoe trying to kick the flusher
[ At the ball ]
Prince Charming: are you ok Cinderella?
Cinderella: no, my stomach is upset. I think I need to go to the bathroom.
Prince Charmin: I’ll take it from here, bro
If you fill your girlfriend’s hair dryer with talcum powder & glitter you end up with an angry ex-girlfriend who looks like a sparkly ghost.
I think one of the toughest parts about growing up is realizing that you don’t sweat blue if you drink blue Gatorade.
I’m beginning to think that some of you aren’t really pretending to be crazy.
just realized i have no idea what goes on inside a dishwasher after i hit the start button. for all i know there could be a tiny man in there washing each dish by hand.
Self rising flour is just like regular flour except one time when it was dead for 3 days
You can’t tell me what to do, you’re not my dog
Pro tip: Sleep and nap with gloves on, so they can’t unlock your iPhone with your fingerprints.
I met a pet turtle at the park and I asked the guy if he brings it there to play on the swings and slides, and he responds: “No ma’am, turtles don’t use swings and slides”, and I can’t believe he called me ma’am
Teenager: Bae swag YOLO
Me: In better times, people who spoke gibberish like that were burned as witches.
Bartender: Hey! What’s new?
Me: Well, my girlfriend’s pregnant.
B: Congratulations!
M: Yeah.
B: What’s wrong?
M: My wife is SUPER pissed.
“Nope, not touching that… what else you got?”
-Me, as a therapist
A shower so cold, you call it by your exes name
there should be a drug that makes you addicted to cleaning the apartment
Me: Wanna high five with our hearts?
Teammate: For the last time. It’s called a chest bump.
[god making cheetahs]
Let’s just squish a giraffe and give it whiskers
Friend: [admiring photo of me, my husband, two sons and our dog] What a beautiful family.
Me: [whispering] My whole house smells like pee.
Turns out there’s quite a bit of noise, when entire generations of people learn that the best and only way to send a message is via tantrum.