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My neighbors listen to really good music… Whether they like it or not.
[spelling bee]
Your word is “spider”
Can you use it in a sentence?
“A spider has eight eyes.”
[kid smiles]
Spider. S-P-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-D-E-R
at my girlfriend’s house for thanksgiving and i asked if we could watch the game and she said “of course!” then put on a gossip girl thanksgiving episode
My kids may not be the most polite or well behaved, but they’re also not the most helpful
“No. Delete it.” -Mona Lisa
*Panda walks into shop, “A packet of nuts please.”
Assistant: “pandas don’t eat nuts.”
-“dammit” panda suit opens and 36 squirrels run off.
So my kid secretly recorded me driving and singing and put it on social media if you needed to know how important birth control is today.
The red haired guy in the bakery
doesn’t like being called…
‘The Ginger Bread Man’*lesson learned
I would watch Real Housewives if it was like Game of Thrones and they would occasionally and suddenly behead one of the main characters.
8yo: I feel like you’re always making up rules and stuff
Me: like what?
8yo: like if we don’t pick up our room a portal will open and take us to another dimension
Me: well that’s what happened to your older brother
8yo: what older brother?
Me: exactly!
fed my baby with a knife* today if you’re wondering how hard core of a dad I am
*blunted, plastic butter knife
Drugs don’t ruin people’s lives, drug tests do.
How to NOT wear your Disney Jumper.
DID YOU KNOW THERE ARE SO MANY DIFFERENT KINDS OF BIRD SEED? THERE’S REGULAR SEED AND RUSTIC SEED, VARIEGATED SEED, SUNFLOWER SEED, SAFFLOWER SEED. CANARY SEED, GOLDEN MILLET, RED MILLET, FLAXSEED, WHITE PROSO MILLET, THISTLE, SHELLED AND CRACKED CORN…….
I love when people tell me to get my act together and I’m like who the hell is acting geez.
the last thing a carrot sees
Note from 5yo:
“I need help with my meth.”
I think she means math. Either way, asking for help is the first step, so good for her.
It’s a bird.
It’s a plane.
No its…“Steve, you’re fired. Air traffic control just isn’t for you.”
I have bent many spoons in my life, the vast majority of which involved ice cream. Therefore, ice cream is the primary ingredient of activating supernatural powers.
ON TWITTER FOR TEN MINUTES: aw sweet, there’s so many smart funny people here
ON TWITTER FOR AN HOUR: my life is now dedicated to vengeance on PatriotMike24396857
*limbos away from your hug*
Teen: Mom, I forgot my key and I won’t be home until midnight. Can you leave the front door unlocked?
– clearly my teen needs to watch more true crime documentaries.
“Why do you hate me?”
– me any time someone tells me I have to sleep on a futon
I like to stand by the side of the motorway holding a sign that says “If you were me, you’d be here now.”
Sick of the media always blaming video games for the rise in fantastical jewel-seeking quests.
I don’t know why movies bother to use fake blood when our bodies are absolutely filled with their own renewable supply
Me- owns 2 pairs of pants
My 8 month old, who has no where to go-
If Disney has taught us anything it’s that if you tie enough balloons to your house, you will eventually find a dog.
Personal trainer said we’re going to try some dips today.
I brought hot salsa and tangy cheese. He hates me.
5: let’s play the quiet game.
Me: Okay
5: ready..? Start.
Me:
5:
Me:
5: whoever talks first is the loser.