Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

You guys, this guy on Dateline says I shouldn’t make friends with people on the internet because they might not be who they say they are. Is this true?

curiouse george 2: 2 fast 2 curious

Jesus: I HAVE RETURNED
[wife & I arguing about who used the last paper towel or some other shit]
Jesus: OK I’MMA COME BACK LATER

I still wear a mask because I no longer remember how to control my facial expressions in public.

i can never allow myself to acknowledge tripping in public i always gotta add another couple leaps like i’m an Olympic triple jumper

Creature from outer space tries to elude financial officer who wants his money back.

– Alien Vs Creditor.

Does this thing get good gas mileage?

-my husband being kidnapped

Taking everything I read on social media with a grain of salt is why I’m so swole

If these walls could talk I bet it would be gibberish cause these walls are plastered.

There are a million designers working on making website buttons have better gradients and none working on the cord that changes how fast your ceiling fan is going. Literally no one knows what speed their fan is on or what will happen if they pull the cord again

[Frat party]

Everybody: CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG-

CHUCK: {walking into the room} ME ME ME- oh.

Eddie is one of our desert tortoises. If you don’t push the door shut all the way, he will open it and come in. Eddie is probably over 50 years old, and ours is at least the third house in our neighborhood he’s lived at.

Pretty sure the best place to hide a dead body is in a tab you opened in a new window to read later.

buys donuts instead

[wife looking at pictures of my dead body with police]
“why isn’t he wearing a shirt”
we believe he removed it when he challenged the coyote

My superpower is destroying the neighbors living room from 100 yards with nothing but her cat and my laser pointer.

I can’t take anymore of this 50 Shades of Grey promo. It’s still your basic Cinderella story. Now she just has a ball gag.

ghost of christmas past but it’s just the clothes that used to fit before the pandemic

Been laughing about this for about 5 consecutive minutes

If a gorilla stole my girlfriend and started throwing barrels at a construction site, the last guy I’m gonna call for help is a plumber.

Soft pretzels come one of two ways:

– no salt

– enough salt for ten miles of roadway before a snowstorm

When I write “I hope this email finds you well” I’m referring to the email’s skills in tracking you down.

Job requirements these days be like:
Looking to hire a caterpillar. Must have ten years experience as a butterfly.

[stunned, eyes lock, a smile exchanged, and I knew it was kismet]
*hands cash to lady
Ma’am my baby isn’t for sale.
I SAID I’LL TAKE TWO!!

dude killed a sea lion with his bike

You know what bothers me? When people assume you’re homeless cause you’re asleep on the street and your pants are gone..

My favorite word in the English language is “Amen” because when I hear it I know you’re finally done asking Me for stupid shit.

Magician: I’d like a volunteer to be cut in half

Me: I’ll do it

Magician: You’ll never love anyone as much as you did Emily

Me: *crying* He’s good

Wife: What

My 3yo asked for gnocchi for breakfast because apparently I’m the head chef at a 24 hour Italian bistro.

The sun really clocks out for the day before I do that’s insane