Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me, in a job interview: My weaknesses? I’d have to say one would be serving customers. Dealing with people in general.

HR: This is a customer service position. It was in the ad title.

Me: Another weakness is attention to detail. But that’s really it.

Remember back in the day when your TV wouldn’t work so you’d bang it a few times? I tried that with my dishwasher and she ended up pregnant.

“Hey, we see that everything you’ve ever watched has been in English, may we suggest something in German?”

-Netflix.

I’ve watched “Aladdin” like 25 times with my kids, so I know quite a bit about politics in the Middle East.

1) Throw a ball of yarn into a fencing battle 2) Wait until the fight is over 3) Retrieve your fully-knitted sweater

*hates you so much replaces everything and everyone you love with a cat*
even if you already have a cat,
*replaces it with a worse cat*

Doggies just call it style.

one time i hooked up with a guy who had his own recorded music on his sex playlist

Me: Gets something in eye
Brain: Quick stick your finger in there too

The Queen is crazy if she thinks I’m going to wait until February

Ever look up at a star and wonder if someone else in the world is outside, staring at that same star while waiting for their french bread pizza to cook?

Why did they call them the behavioral traits of centaurs and not human neighture.

Well, you know when you start cooking something & go to check Twitter real quick?

Fireman: ….

{Twirls hair} Can I try on your fancy hat?

My toxic trait is putting my black phone down on a black surface for “just a second”

Interviewer: your resume says you’re very literal
Me: my resume talks??

waiter: do you need a minute to look over the menu?
me, researched it online: yes please

*Playing pirates with my kids
“I bet if we photo copy the CD cover and use it, we can sell these for more”

Doctor: you need to improve your diet what do you have for breakfast

Me: eggs

Doctor:

Me: ok reese’s eggs

My period was late this month and my first thought after realizing it was, “I’m too young to be pregnant”.

Let the reader understand; I’m weeks away from 29 and already have two children.

How do extroverts know when to leave a party if they don’t have an introvert with them telling them it’s time to go? Do they just stay and make eggs for everyone in the morning? Rent their guestroom? Marry into the family? I have so many questions.

CAT: Hey, sorry about puking on your pillow

SCHRÖDINGER {busy}: Yeah, whatever

CAT: So uh…what’s the box for?

Apparently even if you delete the drunk text messages you sent last night from your phone, the other person can still see them.

waiter: any water for the table

me: [to date] does he not know trees die when you cut them down or

Attention: All employees will be required to bring their own toilet paper until further notice.

-Management

I was on a search party in the forest last night.

Bit of a boring party.

We found a dead guy though.

Me: Did we get a bunch of new cups?

Wife: No. Our daughter brought them all down from her room.

I’ve eaten enough chinese food in my day that my fortune cookies have started to contradict one another

there should be a crisis hotline to call for anyone who has witnessed me trying to eat a big leaf salad in public

Me: I think I’ll leave my car windows cracked so it’s not so hot later

Pollen: lol, ok