Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Forget the fire jugglers and sword swallowers, the most hazardous job at a carnival is guessing the age and weight of women.

🧠

I bring my kids to a romantic restaurant on Valentine’s day as a birth control reminder to the other couples.

watching old Beatles concerts is so fascinating it’s four guys shaped like suits going plinky plonky lemme love you girlie oh yeah and then it cuts to the audience and there’s a girl having the most intense spiritual experience of her life

Nephew has been doing a bit where when he gets on elevators with adults, in an attempt to fit in he’ll say “I didn’t get the promotion”

My kids re playing Frozen
4 is Anna
6 is Elsa
11 apparently is Sven
Hubs and I are the dead parents so at least we can just lay around and still be considered playing along

Tailor [furious]: You think you can just come in here and choose your own material and do your own measurements? Fine, SUIT YOURSELF!

Always the bridesmaid, never the person about to make the worst mistake of her adult life

Technically, all restaurants are drive-thru it just depends how committed to the task you are.

Saturday

I like big rolls of toilet paper. Mega roll? Not good enough. I want the roll to protrude into the next room. I want there to be a danger I may become trapped beneath it. I want two burly men in herringbone driver’s caps to wrestle the new roll into place twice a year

“my intrusive thoughts won” all u did was eat a donut?? that’s not an intrusive thought. if my intrusive thoughts won i’d be on the news.

My wife isn’t international so we don’t celebrate

Back in the 90s, Target sold mini board game key chains, including a key chain Ouija board. These tiny things always made me laugh, just imagining an inch-high demon running around tormenting someone. Oh no, he’ll give you a hangnail! He’ll roll the peas right off your plate!

Pro tip: When quickly pulling into your garage to avoid your neighbor be sure your garage door is all the way up.

My therapist says “being eaten by a bear” is not a “goal”.

[death row]
GUARD: Ok, here’s your last meal. Bon appétit.
CAT: *slowly pushes meal off table*

I never knew the word “mom” could even have 7 syllables until I had kids.

woman in my gym locker room has multiple containers of fresh chinese takeout spread out on the bench and is just happily munching away

You have to question the modus operandi of people who use Latin for no reason.

Might get a little wild tonight and set the white noise machine to overheated laptop

With children it’s important to be specific. For example, I told my 5-year-old to sneeze into an elbow. He sneezed into an elbow. My elbow.

[alternate universe]

teacher: and that’s how you do your taxes

student: thank you. what a useful skill i have learned here today

I bet that Heimlich was just a perv who molested people from behind, and one time accidentally saved someone from choking.

The sun got the nerve to be out.

Don’t just stand there, DO SOMETHING

MARIE ANTIONETTE: The peasants don’t have bread? Let them eat cake.
MY ANCESTOR, wiping cake and bread crumbs off his tunic: So, funny story, Queen…

I stab myself a little bit every day to slowly build up an immunity to being stabbed to death.

Went to the zoo yesterday and got to hear my kid and their friends argue “I saw the animal first!” at each stop, in case you were thinking of doing that soon.

“Congratulations on the baby! Childbirth is so beautiful!” – Someone who has clearly never witnessed the birth of a child.