@lloydrang

1970s: “Hey baby”
1990s: “Hey babe”
2014: “Hey bae”
2020: “Hey b”
2030: “All hail our glorious squirrel overlords”

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@tyrion1

Hobby Lobby and Chick-Fil-A have one thing in common: I never go there.

@randypaint

life: here’s some lemons

me: alright

life: a bad hairline too

me: wait-

life: also anxiety lol

me: why did u start with citrus

@SteveKoehler22

When your wife asks you to dig
a hole for her shrub-

She’ll feel threatened if you make
it large enough to hold a body.

I know this now.

@notorious_stars

When a celebrity dies, who’s the helpful psychopath that immediately changes all the “is”s to “was”s on their Wikipedia page?

@sixfootcandy

Husband: Should we hit the gym today?

Me: *drawing pumpkin eyes with a Sharpie on my stomach* What?

@robdelaney

Vaccines comes from doctors –> Doctors are part of Obamacare –> Vaccines are BAD #Bible #AmericanSniper

@SaraMansford

Never date a chemist, they seduce you with their magnetism, only call you periodically, then one day: Boom! They Argon.

@girlwithatail

“And now we wait.” —me when I dislike someone before my friends do.

@pilau

her: I can’t believe you’ve eaten all the Halloween candy

me: it’s not October 31 so it’s just candy

her: either way you’re not leaving the store until you’ve paid for it

@dhumann

You can tell a lot about a person just by noticing how they continue to talk after you’ve sighed six or seven times.