@lloydrang

1970s: “Hey baby”
1990s: “Hey babe”
2014: “Hey bae”
2020: “Hey b”
2030: “All hail our glorious squirrel overlords”

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@iMonkGreen

“Oh, hey! I didn’t even recognize you!” means “I saw you and tried to avoid you, but here you are.”

@a_simpl_man

I play guitar but I only know a couple songs
Them: what kind of guitar?
Me: air guitar

@dreamthievin

My favorite romance novels begin with “Preheat oven to 350 degrees”

@UncleDuke1969

“Can we go outside and play now?”
“Soon, boy.”
“You said that ten minutes ago.”
“As soon as I finish my cof-“
“Oops.”
“You did that on purpose.”
“It slipped.”
“I’ll get my coat.”
“Excellent.”

@mumbletoes

[a parallel universe where cows are the dominant species]
COW 1: Shall we drink stuff that comes out of humans?
COW 2: No

@WetMascara

Me: Please bring me a screwdriver.

Him: Flat head, Phillips, or Vodka?

And that was when I knew he was the one.

@bridger_w

Lincoln should win for most likely DVD to be put on by substitute teachers

@SuperJuanderer

When life gives you lemons, you should peel one in front of the other lemons. You know… to send a message.

@andiedandie0

I’m like if Lady Godiva rode in naked on a ” My Little Pony” …