1970s: “Hey baby”
1990s: “Hey babe”
2014: “Hey bae”
2020: “Hey b”
2030: “All hail our glorious squirrel overlords”

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“Oh, hey! I didn’t even recognize you!” means “I saw you and tried to avoid you, but here you are.”


I play guitar but I only know a couple songs
Them: what kind of guitar?
Me: air guitar


My favorite romance novels begin with “Preheat oven to 350 degrees”


“Can we go outside and play now?”
“Soon, boy.”
“You said that ten minutes ago.”
“As soon as I finish my cof-“
“You did that on purpose.”
“It slipped.”
“I’ll get my coat.”


[a parallel universe where cows are the dominant species]
COW 1: Shall we drink stuff that comes out of humans?
COW 2: No


Me: Please bring me a screwdriver.

Him: Flat head, Phillips, or Vodka?

And that was when I knew he was the one.


Lincoln should win for most likely DVD to be put on by substitute teachers


When life gives you lemons, you should peel one in front of the other lemons. You know… to send a message.


I’m like if Lady Godiva rode in naked on a ” My Little Pony” …