1970s: “Hey baby”
1990s: “Hey babe”
2014: “Hey bae”
2020: “Hey b”
2030: “All hail our glorious squirrel overlords”
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i BuILt a dEViCE sO yOu CAn efFoRTLesSly sEnD PasSIvE agGreSsiVe emAILs liKE tHiS.
becoming a doctor so i can hit my enemies with a little hammer
[invention of croutons]
Let’s make eating salad hurt
I eat too much candy. I know this because my dentist plans his annual trip to Hawaii after my appointments.
I didn’t want to overwhelm my kids with rules, so when they cross the road, they only have to look one way
[Ventriloquist Mafia]
“Oh we have ways of making people talk.”
waiter: would you like a table?
me: yes, the multiplication please
Honey, someone thinks I’m subtweeting them again..
Honey?
*in public restroom*
Mom in next stall, to toddler: No, honey. You don’t take your shoes off to go potty. You have to leave your shoes on.
Me, in my stall: *quietly puts my shoes back on*
#ICertainlyCouldntLiveWithout apparently an uneven fight…🤷♀️
Being a parent means hiding in a closet to eat a donut so you don’t have to share.
If I could go back and do it all over again I’d be born into money
When I’m older my plan is to mostly talk gibberish then very occasionally turn to a grandchild and say
‘Of course the money is all in that account in Switzerland’.And then start talking gibberish again.
Name’s Bond. James Bond. *Drinks martini* Jame’s Bond. Names Bond. *drinks another martini* Bame’s Jond. *Drinks 1 more* THIS IS MY SONG WOO
I didn’t think a McDonald’s Happy Meal would fill me up, but it did…
OMG, I ATE THE TOY!
The secret to brushing a toddler’s teeth is to play some music, use two toothbrushes… then have a good laugh at yourself for thinking there are any real parenting hacks
Have you seen that ad where a Google Pixel owner talks about the phone automatically contacting emergency services after his car accident?
You know somebody is going to hit a telephone pole deliberately just to test that out.
Packing in my 20s: Toothbrush and bikini
Packing in my 30s: Those things plus a swim suit cover up, 3 face creams, hair products to cover up postpartum hair loss, spanks, sensible shoes, and denture cream.
Terminator: Come with me if you want to live.
Me: No.
It’s like my pet hippo doesn’t even realise it’s my pet.
DOCTOR: Please be quiet while I stitch up your face.
Christmas decor isn’t meant to be sleek and minimalist it is supposed to look like joy threw up in your house.
*checks Timeline*…
Customer: Why do you own a hot dog stand when you draw and write?
Me: Wanna buy my book?
Them: No.
Me: That’s why I own a hot dog stand.
[Car dealership]
Me: *taps glove box* How ’bout this one?
Salesman: Sir, we’ve been over this, I don’t know how many McNuggets it will hold.
My biggest skydiving fear is that the person strapped to my back will try to talk to me
I just want to be rich enough to say “that won’t be necessary” when the police go to handcuff me
Her: could you not do that?
Me: but I’m just being me
Her: OK, good. So you understand the problem.
THEM: You can’t go wrong with this recipe.
ME: Watch me.
it is my belief that rhinos and hippos are husband and wife