Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Multitasking is key these days. If not during my husband’s work video call, when am I supposed to sport my wedding gown and roll by on a skateboard

Alcohol won’t solve my problems, but neither will milk or orange juice.

Not to brag but I already took down the Easter Tree

At TGIF~
Caesar: I’ll have the salad.
Cleopatra: Me too. Its my salad day.
Waiter: Et tu, Brute?
Brutus *opens napkin*: Oh, great. No knife.

Reasons I work out.
1) I don’t wanna be bit by a vampire and spend eternity out of shape and double chinned.
2) I guess to be healthy

You don’t want to be on any project or mission with a checklist that includes “backup underwear”.

You don’t know laziness until you rob a bank & choose to wait for the amount you stole to be announced on news rather than count it yourself

ME: Tell me your weaknesses.
INTERVIEWER: um I’m interviewing you!
M: *writes ‘hostile’*
I: What’s that say?
M: *writes ‘overly suspicious’*

when i see someone at the grocery store buying a super common item like mayo i like to walk by and in passing say “oh that stuff is really good i highly recommend it”

Mistakes movie theater popcorn butter for hand sanitizer
Hilarity ensues

*pushes you to the couch and latches on*

I’m a koala, and you’re my eucalyptus tree.

*pretends to eat your hair*

When people don’t text me back I write their obituary and send it to them.

Scooterology is the science of moving things just a smidge

If I ever go missing just tell my 5-year-old I’m relaxing. She’ll find me. She always does.

[creation of walrus]

god: make it just, i dunno, a tub of lard

angel: sorry, come again?

god: a waddling lard pile, and give it whiskers

angel: dude what

god: toss some fangs on it, like a big doofus dracula

angel: remember when you flooded the entire planet? this is worse

All of Star Wars is basically just about flying through different kinds of canyons. The plot is only there to create reasons to fly through canyons

Bringing a carrot-and-raisin salad to a potluck is a subtle way to let people know you hate them.

i am against victim blaming except for when someone loses their sunglasses in the ocean

Dear Diary, someone’s sent me a podcast recommendation again.

Kids, stay in school and get a good degree so you can spend 40% of your life on conference calls

dorian gray goes on hot ones and he eats all the wings no problem but then when he gets home his portrait is really sweaty and begging for milk

When a killer makes you dig your own grave, throw the soil far away so he has trouble backfilling.

Do teenagers have to meet a weekly eye roll quota because at this rate my daughter will be the MVP this year.

[harry potter at work]

Coworker: you can see those crazy winged horses huh

Harry: a thestral, yes

Coworker: cause you saw whosamort kill your classmate

Harry: his name was cedric & it was a very dark point in my life

Coworker: so speaking of dark the copier needs more toner

The hand doctor told me that I can no longer cook, clean, or vacuum.

Which would be amazing news if I actually did any of those things.

It still bothers me that airplanes aren’t called skyscrapers

That curb wasn’t there until I hit it.

So maybe downloading the ruler app to measure the snow wasn’t such a great idea

archeologist 1: with the rosetta stone we can finally translate hieroglyphics!

archeologist 2: nice! what does this bird symbol mean?

archaeologist 1: looks like they’re saying…bird

archaeologist 2: hm ok.. and the cat symbol?

archaeologist 1: …you’re not gonna believe this