Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Singin’ in the Rain is a beloved Oscar-winning classic, but singin’ on the train will get you harsh stares and a six seater all to yourself.

Bring multiple sets of clothes to work, change every hour, and act like nothing’s different.

Typos are gonna be the death of me!

Unless pills, cigarettes, alcohol, unprotected sex, meth, bull fighting or Taco Bell kill me first.

Police – OPEN UP OR WE ARE COMING IN

Me- SOUNDS GREAT CAN YOU GRAB MY CHARGER FROM MY CAR

A werewolf is chasing you. You’re on a Segway. The werewolf is too. Both batteries are dying, and the chase gets slower and slower.

in the original Little Mermaid, Flounder was meatier. if you saw him on someone’s plate on a restaurant you’d go “i’ll have THAT.” This new one does not look appetizing and could not satisfy me.

It’s so easy getting women wet, it’s refilling my bucket back up with water quickly enough I find challenging.

DAMMIT!

-me, trying to put my hand in a fake pocket for the 80th time today

I swear to god if my memory was any worse I could *bonk* WHO THREW THAT BOOMERANG?

Stranger: nice to meet you

Me: give it time

My Uber driver just told me that he’s been doing a lot of pick ups/drop offs at ER’s and Urgent Care, so, goodbye.

Jury duty would be a lot more popular if they gave everyone a turn with the gavel

If my Fitbit really wanted me to be more active it would tell me there’s food at my door.

My mom texted to say she found my younger son’s water bottle in her car and I was like, “yeah, he pretty much sheds reusable water bottles, Hot Wheels and raincoats”

She: But WHY are you breaking up with me? Please tell me honestly.
He (sigh): Ok It’s…your “signature sex move”
She: Judgmental Corpse?

I answer my front door in my coat, if it’s someone I want to see I say I’ve just got in and if it’s someone I really don’t want to see I say I was just on my way out, works every time.

Sometimes 6 is smart like her mom and other times she gets her head stuck in the footboard of her bed when she’s supposed to be sleeping.

No one:

My Dad at dinner last night: It takes a lot more to burn off your fingerprints than you would think.

*Feels the cool breeze caressing my skin*

Cool breeze: I have a girlfriend

You’re suppose to wear clean underwear in case you’re ever in an accident.
I wear a new pair of shoes every day in case a house lands on me.

Them: Your body is your friend.
Me: Friends don’t wake you up at 4am.

Making it easier for the municipal leaf removal crew by dropping each leaf in an envelope & mailing it to city hall

Orange cat behavior 😂

Hairstylist: so one of your sisters knows how to knit, crochet, and sew and the other one is an amazing cook/baker. What do you know how to do?

Me: Buy stuff

My kid, 6: What’s the biggest structure a civil engineer has made?

Also my kid: Which way does the L go?

✨☝️✨

My wife & I play this sexy game where she dresses up like a schoolgirl, then I dress up like a schoolgirl then we sit down & learn fractions

Please give us space to grieve as I “made” my 7 yr old lose his basketball video game this morning by asking his brother if he wants watermelon with his French toast in the next room.

I just met the most interesting man at the laundromat
And then I realized that he can’t even afford
A washer or a dryer

[crunching sound] this is some good mineral water