Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Hey Fugeddaboutit

If I could have lunch with anyone, alive or dead, I would choose alive, because dead people won’t pass the f***ing salt.

didn’t even know there was an election going on. as a registered voter in the state of pennsylvania, i wish someone could text me 12-15 times a day in an increasingly desperate tone about this upcoming event, which i had forgotten about

ME: *making lightsaber noises*

COWORKER: *in next urinal* you’re getting pee on my shoes.

*holds seashell to ear*

“We’ve been trying to reach you about your car’s extended warranty”

I’d like to wish a very happy 5th birthday to the jar of salsa in my fridge

We spent $12,775 on daycare last year, for anyone currently using the pull out method.

If you’re a size 0 we shouldn’t be able to see you.

The plant app says that I either watered my plant too much or not enough. Where is that Goldilocks chick when I need her?

[date night]

*puts on clean sweats*
*clips toenails*
*removes mouth guard*
*dabs a little Dorito dust behind each ear*

Let’s do this.

Am I the most attractive woman out there ? Of course not. But do I have a good personality ? Well, no. But do I wake up every day and try to be the best person that I can be ? Also no.

[Jesus on the cross]

*texts with 1 hand* “um dad y hav u 4saken me wtf”

*5 hrs pass*

“new phone. who dis?”

Who cares if you break a damn mirror. If you think 7 years of bad luck is hell, try breaking a condom.

Obama: Get Air Force One ready.
Biden: OK! *runs off*
Obama: The plane, not the movie.
*Biden does 360*
Biden: Yeah I know.

[being murdered at work]
Me: *being murdered*
Murderer: *murdering me*
Boss: let me know how I can help

(it is unclear who he’s talking to)

sibling culture is not talking to each other for awhile and then texting them “this is you” along with a picture of an ugly bird you found online

If the first rule of fight club is not talking about fight club, how did fight club ever get off the ground?

Me: I’m going across the street to get a beer.

Priest: You can’t bring a beer in here. This is a church.

Me: I can if it’s in my stomach.

Sorry your team lost. Maybe you should’ve told the players what to do more loudly from your recliner.

One of my children is crying because we don’t have a third floor in our house.

We also don’t have a second floor.

me: freedom implies the existence of freesub

subway: we said no

I only date men who have cats because they’ve been pre-trained to try and figure out what you want if you just stare at them long enough.

The best part of my kid graduating was unsubscribing from the school’s text messages.

Person: What are you doing?

Me: Looking at owl callers. It’s skunk mating season. I want to discourage them from my yard. Owls are their predators. I COULD use an owl call but it’s also OWL mating season. I could end up with A LOT of owls

P: You win weirdest problem of the day

ME: do you have any specials

PHARMACIST: what

*Biden climbs tree*
“Joe, you better get outta that fuckin tree.”
*Obama revs chainsaw*
I’m not dumb Barack. That’s way too heavy to throw.

[Date]
(don’t let her know you’re an alien larva)

Her: I wonder where he is?
*I burst through her chest*
Me: Did you order yet? I’m starved

Do you ever really know if your bagpipe is in tune?

Me to a friend: *complains for ten straight minutes without taking in a breath* but I really can’t complain

[sneeze one]

Bless you

[sneeze two]

Bless you

[sneeze three]

You are under arrest