1978 was all about running home when the street lights came on and dressing in the closet so my Shaun Cassidy posters didn’t see me naked…
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Teacher: Ok, which of you stole the thesaurus?
Student: Not me
Student: Not me
Student: Nay myself
Student: Not me
If you love something set it free then immediately tackle it by the legs.
Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?
Me: Wow. Nobody’s ever asked me that.
Interviewer: Take a minute to th-
Me: Arendelle.
Me: *giggling* no, I love you more.
Him: who are you and how did you get inside my house?
Not to split hairs, but I called you “haughty,” not “hottie.”
doctor: why do you think you need this medication?
me: i saw the commercial and the side effects sounded pretty awesome
My husband has Tourette’s Syndrome—
every time he drives.
I signed up for a Yahoo email address and suddenly turned 85 years old.
Him: I’m leaving you
Me: *eating a cantaloupe like an apple* why though
I just took the Christmas tree down. Gonna dye Easter eggs this afternoon.
Laying in a hammock is essentially saying, “I hope there are no emergencies.”
I was 14, my dad caught me drinking. ‘Dad, that’s the first time’
‘That’s a lie, no one ever gets caught the first time.’
So I robbed a bank
“IT’S A BOY” I shouted, tears rolling down my face “I DON’T BELIEVE IT. A BOY!” It was at that moment I chose never to visit Thailand again.
Guy at the Xmas tree farm: When you bring it into your house, you need to let it stand in the corner of the room for a while to relax and acclimatise.
Me: Same.
“If you’re pregnant you can’t get pregnant, the same goes for getting arrested, can you lick this?”
I ask, trying to roll a joint in cuffs.
If a car depreciates as soon as you drive it off the lot then shouldn’t the price go down when you return from a test drive?
I broke a lightbulb, smashed artwork, splattered milk from cereal bowls across kitchen walls and knocked over candles.
Fly is dead.
the real victims in all of this are those of us who like to take soup in museums to have a nice snack and now will be regarded with hostility and suspicion — or worse!
It’s almost that time of night where I drunk text my ex “I have to tell you something” then shut my phone off.
No matter how many candles you burn, you can’t bake bread. Follow me, for more wisdom
We loved to call random numbers and say “I think your dog is on my porch.” If we got somebody who said “I don’t have a dog” then we would yell I DON’T HAVE A PORCH and hang up.
Why do sanitary towel adverts always feature a liquid which is blue?
Are aliens their primary customers?
That looks expensive and breakable, I should play with it.
– Every kid ever.
Me: It’s not what you said, it’s the way you said it!
Husband: *Doesn’t even realize we had a conversation*
kidnapper: we have your son
my dad: ask him if he drank my last pepsi
I wasn’t trying to put you on a pedestal. I was trying to bend you over it.
Waiting for the Charmin
ME: ok i’m gonna tell you some stuff, but only if you promise not to judge me afterwards
JUDGE: no can do
Yes, dust for fingerprints is exactly what I meant when I asked you to dust the living room, Sherlock Holmes.