1978 was all about running home when the street lights came on and dressing in the closet so my Shaun Cassidy posters didn’t see me naked…
You Might Also Like
Objective: Get to bathroom without engaging Boyfriend’s roommates
Made some terrible life choices the last few years.
Just kidding. I’m married and not allowed to make decisions.
Sorry if I smell weird. I touched an old sponge last week
[at bank]
*slides teller a note*Teller:
Me:
T:
M: [winks]
T: Seriously!?
M: uh huh
T:
M:
T: *slides me a lollipop*
I bet the guy who discovered milk did a lot of other weird shit too.
If you can steal a scarf away from Johnny Depp he has to grant you one wish.
“Did he dump me because the AI told him to dump me?”
OMG THIS IS SUCH A SURPRISE THE THOUGHT OF WINNING AFTER A NOMINATION IS A PHENOMENA THAT BLOWS MY MIND HOW DID IT HAPPEN
– All Emmy winners
My neighbor’s looking at me like she’s never seen a guy stuck in her doggy door before. And what’s with the screaming? And the golf club?!
My wife asked me to help decorate the cookies for her sister’s baby shower, and then just as quickly asked me to please stop helping.
me: dave and i go way back. we served together for 8 years
her: oh wow. army? navy?
me: olive garden
Butter my backside and call me a biscuit.
[car slides off road in a snowstorm]
Stranger: you need a tow?
Me: no Sir 10 is enough for me[we both laugh as he drives away]
[still stuck 10 hours later]
Wife:
Me: I regret nothing
People must think I’m a comforting presence because I often hear “Security!” wherever I go.
*trying to write a journal article*
*submits a manuscript that just says “around the world” 144 times because it worked for Daft Punk*
If you feed me & have the heat on high, I will fall asleep on you. So to have a much more interesting date with me keep me hungry and cold
When I borrow books about WW2 the librarian doesn’t assume I’m planning to invade Poland, so why does she eye me like I’m researching how to be a better serial killer if I take out something on guys like Ed Gein or Ted Bundy?
“Camping” – noun:
when you create a late night picnic for the hungry animals in a field with you being the meaty snack
Cinderella: [changing clothes after the wedding, removes one shoe]
Prince Charming: omg babe where did you go
Cats. Honed by centuries of evolution into efficient, remorseless hunters. Also:
But have you tried crying about it?
-Toddlers
My 7yo gave up a simple joke thats good enough 2 laugh at.
Why did the chewing gum cross the road?
Cause it was stuck on the chicken’s foot!
[wife calls]
did you write “make all the traps from home alone” on the calendar
[me at hardware store holding paint cans and feathers] “no”
Ohhh so you don’t hate peaches. You just hate peaches that aren’t on MY plate. Got it.
– Me, to the 5 yr old
Her: You’ll never guess what I did today.
Me: You’re right. *gets up, leaves the room*
*quits Twitter to spend time with family*
*remembers what family is like*
*quits family for Twitter*
Vin Diesel’s full name is Vintage Dieselengine.
Give a man a fish… and well, shit gets weird.
I’ve never completed a marathon, but I’ve listened to my mom tell a story, so don’t talk to me about endurance.
Never use profanity. Unless you live on the East Coast. Where it is considered punctuation and shit.