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trying to convince my straight friends it’s homophobic to not buy gay people presents during pride month
date: tell me about yourself
me: I want to kill the moon
date: I have a bit of a dark side too
me: [narrows eyes]
i will avenge u mr van gogh
I want you to drag me to the bedroom, softly lay me down, & kiss my neck. Now go clean the house while I take a nap.
If someone specifies that you’re book-smart and not street-smart or street-smart but not book-smart, they’re calling you stupid.
Guys, If you mistakenly ask a woman at work if she’s pregnant and she’s not, save face and ask if she wants to be pregnant
me: will you please pass the bee barf?
wife: please stop calling the honey that.
INTERVIEWER: what’s a skill you want to improve?
ME: to realize when someone isn’t talking to me
JOE: uh…Excel
(holding a pickle like a cigarette) do you mind if i?
I love chasing after you…
* me to the ice cream man driving down the road
“I can hear my annoying neighbor crying to Adele’s new song as she throws away her empty, clinking beer bottles.”
– my neighbor
*steals someone’s soul*
*steals someone’s mate**Creates a soulmate*
Brain: Great workout, here’s some endorphins
Me: Oh nice, I’ll feel good for-
Anxiety: It took you a full minute to figure out the treadmill buttons and I bet people noticed
Me: … that long
Doug is just Canadian for dog
*taking training wheels off my old bike*
Mom: You’re not ready for this.
Me: I’m 37, Mom. I’ve got this.
*starts pedaling; hits a tree*
I told my kids I’d rather they “pull the plug” than let me live in a vegetative state dependent on machines.
So they hid my phone charger.
I don’t like changing clocks twice a year. It gets expensive buying new clocks.
I have so many questions.
Tip for lower back pain: injure your neck to take your mind off it.
I have never “lit up a room” unless you count arson.
I am a(n):
⚪️ man
⚪️ woman
🔘 unknowable entity in the deep wood
seeking:⚪️ men
⚪️ women
🔘 a morally grey companion to defend me from the wizard who has been hunting me for centuries
Printer ink is expensive
*Time travels to the Garden of Eden*
Serpent: Eat the forbidden fruit
Me: WAIT
Adam and Eve: *Staring*
Me: You gotta wash it first
If you’re not happy single you won’t be happy married. Happiness comes from eating potatoes, not from relationships.
My typo game is string.
Barber: ok that will be $900
Chewbacca: (chewbacca noise)
Whenever I order room service and the person tells me how long until the food arrives, I whisper, “If I’m alive by then,” and hang up.
Zombies..stay away from junk people or you’ll gain a shit-ton of weight.
Joke’s on them; I DIDN’T make my bed and I’m STILL gonna lie in it!