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I imagine the hardest part of becoming a supervillain is getting your doctorate.
him: your so cute! why are you alone!?
me: you’re
him: …
me: hello? hello?
All units be on the lookout, suspect is armed with hunky shoulders, soft eyes and dreamboat hair. I don’t even remember what he did anymore.
[announcement over PA at work]
“FREE TACOS IN THE BREAKROOM”
*I walk there so fast the noise from my corduroys breaks everyone’s eyeglasses*
[Installing ceiling fan]
Me: drill…screwdriver… tape…there finished!Wife on the phone: Is this Bob’s fix-it shop? Yeah, he just got done.
*my wife catches me in bed looking at an optical illusions book* HONEY, NO IT’S NOT WHAT IT LOOKS LIKE
i’d never pick the lesser of 2 evils because that means they’re not even good at being evil either
I changed my name in my daughters phone to God…just texted her and said “I saw that” You should of seen her face. Priceless
There’s no bigger backstabber than my dog giving me away during hide and seek.
I TRUSTED YOU, FENTON, I TRUSTED YOU!
[late to work]
boss: well ??
me: (panicking) uhh my car got stuck in the suez canal
Me: Could you have someone clean the third floor restroom?
Front desk clerk: There is no third floor restroom.
Me: There is now.
My professor just told me that if we get a whiff of smoke it’s because another professor put the papers he was grading in the microwave to rid them of any chance of Corona Virus & then the papers caught on fire… I can’t make this stuff up people
Them: Have you tried dieting?
Me: Have you ever tried pizza?
don’t look at the title of Kill Bill before you watch because it’s a bit of a spoiler
What’s the difference between a camera and a sock?
A camera takes photos, and a sock takes five toes
Wrestling is obviously fake.
Why would two people fight
over a belt when neither of
them are wearing pants?
If these walls could talk they would definitely say wow this guy really does add cheese to everything after all
you: this is my avocado peeler, and this is my avocado masher, and this is my avocado slicer…
me: fork.
Your kids paranoid there’s a monster under their bed? Have I got a holiday for you.
People who talk with your phone on speaker like it’s a Star Trek Communicator –
we’re trying to have a society here. And everyone hates you.
[ 35 years later ]
*sits bolt upright*
OMG SHE WAS FLIRTING WITH ME !
I’m a hiring manager with a team of nine. Two are called Tom. I recently interviewed a candidate for my team. He was almost perfect but I can’t hire him because he is also called Tom and two Tom’s are enough.
I’m on chapter two of the dictionary and this thing is just so disconnected. Like, what happened to the aardvark from the beginning?
I bet there is a Home Alone script where the parents purposely leave for the airport without any of the kids.
And now…a ‘joke’.
Why was the demon in hospital?
It was having its GHOULbladder removed…*coughs*
A documentary about how the band Hanson exploded onto the music scene in the 90s, call it MmmBoppenheimer.
When I’m in a conference room all by myself I like to pretend I’m having a very important meeting with chairs about chair shit.
Storing photos in our parent’s attic was our cloud in the 20th century.
Some people stay longer in a toilet than in a relationship.