1980s : average parent ; 4 kids
2016: average kid ; 4 parents
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Therapist: Okay, let’s go over this one more time
Me: This really isn’t helping with my fear of bridges
Wife: You knew when we met that my job would preclude me from having children.
Me: Why? You can still investigate deaths when you’re pregnant.
Wife: Nobody puts baby in the coroner.
The school had a plant sale and at pickup I heard the mom of a little girl with 2 small plants say “That’s all you got?? I gave you $60!”
We are all that mom.
My mom misses having young grandchildren, so once a week she picks up my dog and takes her out for breakfast.
If they could bottle how good it feels to take off your bra, that would sell for more than any expensive wine.
Kids are fun because they’ll barge in the bathroom when you say “don’t come in, I’m naked” and then get mad at you because you’re naked.
I’m gonna be upset when HBO starts killing off Sesame Street characters one by one Game Of Thrones style.
PHILOSOPHERS: We don’t know how the mind and body are connected
ME (who has a mind and a body): oh no!
I’m at the age where I look good “for my age”
(Starts period)
Husband: OHHHH, so that’s why you’ve been such a b-
Me: WHAT!?
Him: What?
[Every restaurant ever]
Manager: “Has he got a mouthful of food?”
Waiter: “Yes.”
Manager: “Go and ask him how his meal is.”
You think the nativity guys ever hung out again. having beers like haha remember when we saw that baby
Delilah: hey
Jude: hey there
I feel this pandemic is the worst group project I’ve ever been a part of in my entire life for real.
I wish I was Jean Claude Van Damme, not to be able to roundhouse kick my co-worker, but to bore him to death as I act out a scene.
Pig Latin is the most delicious of the dead languages
Keep your fries close and your onion rings closer.
#AmazingFacts
Failure is not an option,it comes bundled with your Windows 10 software.
Nobody loves a thunderstorm more than a teenager who promised to mow the lawn today.
[office]
ME: I’m back from vacation!
BOSS: It’s been 4 1/2 years! You said a week in Venice!
ME: No, a week on Venus…which is 1701 days
It’s frowned upon to loudly laugh in Hawaii.
You have to keep it to a low ha.
#RubbishJokes #AmazingFacts #DadJokes
Mickey: ok but that’ll be $20 extra
Goofy: Done.
*Mickey puts on bow and heels*
Me: Stop over-analysing; not everything has to mean something!
Them: Are you gonna help us compile this dictionary or not?
Why would I go to my high school reunion? I didn’t want to be there the first time.
Hey, I tried to parallel park into a spot and goosed it twice so I’m just gonna go home. Enjoy brunch though, I’ll catch you next week.
Dwayne Johnson cornered me outside a Hallmark store and now for 20 minutes I’ve been stuck between a Rock and a card place
I’m convinced that this trip to Toronto will end with my being arrested for not being nice enough.
Ever pick a booger so big that you get it out and suddenly it’s like you’re on top of a mountain, inhaling the world’s largest and most refreshing breath of air that ever was breathed?
Attn people who run in dark clothes at night,
I don’t have THAT much car insurance.
Please do not look at me when I am sitting at the front of the top level of a double decker bus. I am pretending to drive the bus and it is a very important job.