Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m going to bed and my hair looks amazing; I feel like the woman in every mattress commercial.

Me When I’m Sick: *very careful not to cough around my kids, tries to wipe down the surfaces I touch, don’t share food with them etc*

My Kids When They Are Sick: *sneezes directly into my mouth*

*falls from grace*

PARKOUR!

JUDGE: I’m going to hold you in contempt

ME [leaning in for a cuddle]: I don’t care how you do it

I’m creating a new perfume for introverts.

It’s called: Leave Me The Fu Cologne.

“…anyway, long story short” bro, you’ve been talking for 53 minutes

“the angry hot sky ball is gone…”
🖤🤣

I just yelled ‘Jayden’ at the mall and now I’m a mom to like 20 kids.

My daughter once summarized a 10 minute story in 4 hours.

*hears your text message notification beep*

*constantly imitates it so you check your phone for no reason*

I am “I have to go to bed because my back hurts from sitting on the couch” years old.

I thinking about becoming a cop. Well, not really a cop but a quirky outsider like on TV who shows up at crime scenes and points out all the clues that experienced detectives missed

It’s weird how nail clippers seem to breed in your bathroom drawer then scatter when you need a pair like some bizarre version of Andy’s toys.

Them: What is wrong with you?

Me: How much time do you have?

What if they close the grocery stores and we actually have to hunt for our food?

I don’t even know where little Debbie lives.

Tech Twitter in a nutshell 😂😂😂

Oh thanks BBC.

Flirting is a way of life, the moment you stop is when you’re dead … then your spouse cleans the gun and places it in your hand.

The guy who drills the holes so you can assemble IKEA furniture is clearly having problems at home.

Jenga, but it’s just me, pulling salad out of my sandwich.

Date: Your eyes look beautiful in the moon’s light.

Me: Awww.

Date: *leans in for a kiss*

Me: The moon doesn’t make light, stupid.

I’ll straight up call someone who’s making trouble a “rabble rouser”, and someone who’s rousing rabble a “troublemaker”. I really don’t give a shit anymore.

Wife (to our teen): Can you unload the dishwasher?
Teen: See, this is why I don’t come down here

Women always find me interesting and mysterious on the first date.

I knew that the fog machine under the table was a good idea!

Back to the Future but it’s just me trying to break my parents up at the school dance

I’m too rational for astrology. Why would I ask a goat in the sky to tell my fortune when I can consult the entrails of an actual goat right here on Earth?

*Busts through Kool-aid mans wall*

Kool-aid man: Not cool. What I do is fake. This is our home

Me: I’m sorr…

*A sippy cup starts crying*

My dress code is business-casualty.

When you’re around too many morning people it’s like being in perkytory

If courage is buying an entire tub of ice cream and immediately throwing out the lid, then yes I am definitely brave.