Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Thank you lady with the screaming kid I almost forgot to pick up more condoms.

I realized if I whisper at Alexa, she whispers back

I wish it worked on everyone

ME: I think we’re being followed
DATE: Really?
M: [checks rear-view mirror] Yep
D: Wait you carry that around with you?
M: Just keep walking

I try not to tweet when I’m happy…because I respect you guys and what we do here.

“Shit! Shit! Shit! Shit!” – When man discovered bears can climb trees as well

Starbucks says it will close 150 stores next year.

And that’s just in one mall.

You might just have to resign…

Ladies, wonder if he’s busy or ignoring your texts? Offer to send nudes. If he instantly responds, he was totally ignoring you before.

You’re not allowed to say “long story short” after talking for 30 minutes.

Words can hurt. Especially when someone throws a big book at your head.

Children of the Corn Man

Notice Dave Grohl is trending…..quickly check to make sure he’s not dead……then realize his wife will take care of that part

My white cat has been beating up my black cat a lot lately so I guess he’s been reading the news and knows he won’t get punished for it.

Saw the washing machine only had 6 minutes left so I decided to wait in the basement until it was done. That was 4 hours ago.

My dog gives me attitude when getting his paws wiped off after being outside. It must be just awful to get rewarded with foot massages just for using the bathroom.

I’m a pediatrician.

Oh, so you’re into feet?

Uh no…children.

Isn’t that illegal?

Me: Well, well, well. Look who’s come crawling back

Baby: [pretends like she doesn’t hear my extremely witty comment]

This florist doesn’t even know anything about floors, and he’s acting like I’m the stupid one!

Sorry I thought you wanted me to divorce my husband and run away with you when you picked some fuzz off my shirt sleeve.

My wife left me for my best friend.

Well, he was just a stranger at that time. He is my best friend now.

[ouija board]
“helo??”
ＹＯＵＲ… ＳＰＩＲＩＴ…
“shh its working”
ＷＩＬＬ… ＡＰＰＥＡＲ…
“omg”
ＡＦＴＥＲ… ＴＨＩＳ… ＡＤ…
“dude why didnt u pay for this ouija board??!”

Crime tip: commit all your crimes in space NASA is not the space police there are no laws up there you will not go to jail

I try extra hard during sex because I never know if there’s a chameleon secretly watching me.

Missionary so I can look him in the eyes and ask him why Ashley from work is texting him with heart eyes.

*takes 5 more shots*
liver: wyd
brain: wyd
stomach: wyd
me to an ex: wyd

My husband makes coffee for me every morning even when we’re fighting. Consider this evidence if I ever die by poison.

Airlines trust I can operate an emergency door and usher hundreds of passengers to safety but think I need step by step instructions on buckling a seatbelt.

“You’re only as old as you feel.”

Me, feeling 300 yrs old: Yes, thank you. So inspiring.

I see you like sex.

*apparently not an acceptable thing to say to a pregnant woman.