Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Autocorrect is like that idiot friend who tries to cover up your mistakes with worse ones.

[meeting my gf’s parents]
her: *quietly* don’t worry, my dad’s nice but he doesn’t say much

[later]
her dad: I love my daughter very a lot
me: i see

Reporter: He was strangled by a loved one

My Murderer: Whoa, love is a strong word

‘Leave no stone unturned’ is good advice if you’re looking for something that crawls out from under rocks.

Me: My passion for the sea is rather inconsistent, I’m afraid. It comes in waves

Navy recruiter: Get out

I give such good nudes that nobody ever needs to ask me for a second one.

All of Star Wars is basically just about flying through different kinds of canyons. The plot is only there to create reasons to fly through canyons

If I get arrested & the cops give me one phone call I’m dialing Empire Carpets or Jenny because those are the only numbers I have memorized.

[text]
me: miss you, love you, wish you were here

pizza delivery driver: sir, we said 30 min or less

A great summer prank is to park your car just outside the mall with a fully cooked ham in baby clothes strapped into a child seat.

me; I bought a gun because of my bird phobia

therapist: you might be getting carried away

me: *firing into the ceiling* not without a fight

Pro-tip to avoid corona-virus

Eat garlic.

Lots of garlic.

It won’t do anything against the virus, but it will keep other people away.

What do we want?
SOME GOOD DECISIONS!

When do we want them?
BEFORE LAST NIGHT!

I wore a jumpsuit to work because the rage I feel every time I have to pee is a good motivator.

My mother’s birthday is on Monday.
I bought, among other things, a tin of her favourite shortbread cookies.
They were very good.
I should get some for her as well.

Just wrote “except for you, spiders >:(” on my Welcome mat so that should be the end of that

I was introduced to a baby recently by her parents; the mother told me “she doesn’t do anything, or know anything”

The most annoying part of making spaghetti is when the noodles are done, so you pour them into the strainer but the holes are too big so you end up with spaghetti all over the inside of your car.

Life is a constant balancing act between wondering why you weren’t invited to something and wondering how to get out of it.

I loved her polka dot dress. She had really nice taste and always looked amazing.

-me as a witness, describing the murderer

My favorite animal is fried chicken.

It’s not a “junk drawer,” it’s a free-spirited drawer without expectations or limits.

Do not steal food from the science building!

“OnlyPams”: a place for hot pics of women who dump their fiancé’s for quirky co-workers.

Me: Your cat looks pregnant
Friend: Impossible it’s an indoor cat
Me: What have you done

when I was 15 I wore bath and body works pear spray and this guy I met at a retreat badgered me about what the scent was b/c it smelled like his girlfriend & she claimed that “some of us just smell that way” so I told him yeah some of us do. I hope wherever she is now she’s good

You know, you don’t realise what you’ve got until you don’t have it. I just ran out of toilet paper …

I wonder if clouds ever look down on us and say.. “Hey look! That one is shaped like an idiot!

My pappy died in the sea. Not even his old chum could save him. In fact, that’s exactly what brought the sharks in the first place

For Christmas my wife gave me a coupon for “Swimming with Sharks.”

I got her a coupon for “Bungee Jumping.”

We both have a death wish or we have been together too long.