1985: “I hope we’ll have flying cars in the future!”
2017: “I just used the flashlight on my cell phone to look for spiders under my bed.”
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I’m at the bar & I’m trying to convince this girl with a leopard print shirt to go & bite this girl with a zebra print shirt.
Bear tip: If a bear is mauling you to death, challenge it to a maths quiz instead
(mauling people to death is against the rules in quizzes)
Man reading a book: hot
Man with a baby: hot
Man reading a book to a baby: hold me back my ovaries have exploded.
beyoncé communicating with the dead is what i would call a seyoncé.
Some people come into your life for a reason.
Like for target practice.
Cinderella is my favorite fairy tale about how foot size is the best way to recognize someone.
In honor of Mother’s Day here’s my favorite text my mom has ever sent me
“I can’t fall asleep… I think it’s because I’m talking”
– my 5yo, at 3am, not wrong
FOR SALE: baby shoes, made out of 100% baby
it’s called dunkin donuts because hole foods was taken
“What attracted you to our company?”
Well, I heard you pay money in exchange for work
I’m watching Olympic athletes run 1500m, while trying to figure out how I can make the Roomba drive 3m to the beer fridge for me.
The 4 stage of life:
1. You believe in Santa Claus
2. You don’t believe in Santa Claus
3. You are Santa Clause
4. You look like Santa Claus
My Mother worries about me living in London sometimes.
I tell her it’s not London she has to worry about.
I just injured myself on a potato.
I don’t understand people who do things on weekends. You just did things all week. What’s next, more things?? That’s how they get you
[first day as flight attendant]
me: DOES ANYBODY KNOW HOW TO FLY A PLANE
passengers: *screaming*
pilot: yes I do
me: ohthankgod
me (stepping out of time machine): I come from the future!
soldier: oh, great! we could use your help. thousands of us have died in this war for a treasure called “salt”
me: what, like table salt?
soldier: ? why do you call it that
me:
soldier: Why do you call it that.
The most unbelievable thing in movies is when someone guesses the password of a computer that’s not theirs. I can’t even figure out my own password. That I changed yesterday.
Ever realize the only thing stopping you from a life of crime is a good night’s sleep? Anyway, I slept well.
[Hair Salon]
Stylist: What would you like?
Me: I want it 2 inches longer all over.
Joseph: we have to walk to bethlehem for a census thing
Mary, 9 months pregnant: i’m sorry what
What if I just start doing things that make me happy? Nahhhh can’t dispose of that many dead bodies.
since people are posting their 2022 accomplishments I’d like to share that in April, I went to put a bowl of soup in the microwave but absentmindedly stuck it in the oven and spent 10 mins freaking out that the microwave had somehow zapped my soup into the void
“Daddy I lost my popsicle” and other terrifying things my kids say.
Why use words you don’t understand in your tweets? It just makes you look photosynthesis.
It’s weird how many people at my office are named “Hey.”
My dentist told me I need a crown. I was like I KNOW, RIGHT?
“A computer keyboard has more bacteria than a toilet seat.” I don’t doubt it, given the shit my boss sends us in email.
