Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Just pointed out to my in-laws that their anniversary falls on hump day, so follow me for more tips on creating awkward family moments.

[an awkward minute passes as Death struggles to pick up change from the countertop]
Death: (embarrassed) ha ha slippery coins
Drugstore Clerk: nah man it’s cuz you got them bone hands

Asked mom what she wanted for Christmas this year and she said “I don’t want any gifts, I just want to know my kids are happy” well that’s a pretty big ask, Christy. Can I just get you the vacuum and call it even

[Picking up girls]
Me: you like bad boys, huh?
Girls: yea
Me to my wing man: tell them
Wing man: he’s just literally the worst

Me: I have a headache.

WebMD: and it will be your last.

I feel seen

Get married so you can spend the rest of your life closing kitchen drawers and cabinets.

Just killed a cricket at work, and, long story short, I’m now being asked to audition for Riverdance.

If you call all the priests “daddy” you don’t have to go back to church.

deeply unfair of people to assume I have my life together just because I’m boring

I’m so glad the internet is like this now.

Biden: I wanna join the protest.
Obama: Joe, we’ve been over this.
Biden: But they’re–
Obama: How about some ice cream?
.
.
.
Biden: Okay.

this is not a scam

DM me if you wanna turn your $500 into my $500.

“As per my email…”

Ooh, someone’s absolutely livid.

Pro Tip: you can’t just be sorry. You have to understand why I expect you to be sorry and be able to articulate that back to me in detail

*comes home drunk

*sleeps on floor

These aren’t even hard anymore.

If you’re willing to wait long enough, a closer parking spot near the gym will open up and you can let someone else have it while you go get donuts.

My sister told me a guy dressed as Michael Myers for a 3k today. Slow walked the entire time and finished dead last.

There are few things I respect more than full commitment to the bit.

Sun Tzu: to beat your enemy you must become your enemy

Me [overweight; hungover; eating breakfast ice cream]: way ahead of you

How long do you have to stop eating a meal before calling it leftovers?

Got my flu shot and now everyone in Walgreens knows my safe word.

Damn right I’m cultured. I learned all about classical music from Bugs Bunny.

Wife: You need a shower
Me: The pressure’s too low
Wife: OK, have a shower or I’m taking the kids

I remember Daddy told me fairy tales can come true so any time an old lady offers me an apple or cookie I kill her and bury her in the woods

10: *mischievously to her sister* One foot, two feet, so for one boot, it’s two beet.

7: Noooooo, it’s booties!

Be myself?
BE MYSELF?!?!
You don’t care if I ever get laid again, do you?

me: “okay I might as well just say it..I love you”
girl dinosaur: “omg u have no idea how long I’ve waited for u to say that!”
*meteorite*