Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me after completing a simple 10-minute task that I’d been putting off for 3 months

The biggest lie I learned in school was that women reach their sexual peak at 40. All 40yo me wants is to scroll my phone and eat my bowl of mashed potatoes

ME: Do you believe in ghosts?
WIFE: Yes.
ME: A ghost just spent $600 on a new home surround sound system.

One thing no one ever talks about being an adult is how much time you debate yourself on keeping a cardboard box because it’s, like, a really good box.

[walking down street with date after dinner]
him: i had a great time
me: yep… [gestures towards garbage truck] welp, this is me [jumps in]

“Opps” is my favorite typo because it suggests the thrill of a secret counterinsurgency.

Me: I’m not paying someone to do this job when I can do it myself.

Me, 30 minutes into job: I will pay someone all my money.

Be the reason she can’t walk properly.

~ 5 inch heels probably ~

Roses are red,
Daisies are free.

I’ll never forget you,
It burns when I pee.

No one is more disappointed about you driving the speed limit than the cop pacing you, thinking he’s cleverly disguised in his marked Ford Explorer.

We’ve got two options: clean and vacuum, or stop wearing our glasses around the house.

professor: there are no stupid questions

me: if i ate myself would i disappear or be twice as big

professor:

me:

professor: there is one stupid question

reading Agatha Christie has ruined me for all other books. there are no murders in the first chapter? a child isn’t offed at a Hallowe’en party? nobody falls in love on a train? rewrite this please

got three hours sleep & i fell great! seems li the less less sleep I get the move alarr et u ambdcim

I eat the fortune cookies and never read the fortune. Ever.

I just have a thing for really bad cookies.

Found an old, dead mosquito in a storage box. You guys want to try and make a Jurassic Park?

[Mad scientist lamenting]

“All that work, trying to create
a perfect palindrome ..wasted!

DAMMIT I’M MAD !”

(Pauses)

“Hey…wait

They say that over time pets will start to resemble their owners and I didn’t believe it until I found my cat fast asleep in front of his food bowl

SON: Is it true trees kill more people than wild animals do?
[tree hiding in broom closet tenses up]
DAD: Nonsense.
[tree sighs in relief]

Being betrayed by a friend is sad but being betrayed by your food is devastating

DAUGHTER: [burying pet rabbit in the garden] Goodbye Mr Hoppers. I’ll miss you!

ME: [to wife] Doesn’t it have to be dead first?

If my partner didn’t want me to wear yoga pants because they make me too attractive to other men, I’d respect his wishes and take them off.

mob boss: stick his body in the compost pile
me: wha
mob boss (grabbing my collar intently): we might be killers, but u only got one earth

“Want me to tell you how to murder someone and get away with it?”

—my 9yo, making conversation at lunch. At a restaurant. In public.

Ok, time to dust off the Christmas decorations. One year I must try taking them down.

Everyone getting arrested and losing their job for storming the Capitol building are realizing why their grandparents wore hoods.

OK doomscrolling is bad but have you SEEN the quality of the doom this week?

interviewer: what can u bring to the firm
me: [places a tiny cactus on desk & smiles]
interviewer: I meant like clients
me: [removes cactus]

Forgot to get McDonald’s after my son’s dr appt to take back to school with him and now CPS just kicked down my door

TENNIS BOYFRIEND: You deserve love

TENNIS GIRLFRIEND: That’s so mean