Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I asked when my gym membership was up and the dude said “day before Valentine’s Day” like I’m some genius who knows when Valentine’s Day is.

Early morning work meeting, boss kept telling us to “lean in”
I leaned in so much, I fell asleep at my desk.

I told my waiter the same thing i told my plastic surgeon. Give me chicken breasts.

Pro Tip: make your honeymoon boring and uninteresting so that the rest of your marriage feels like an improvement.

Me: Sometimes I wonder if people don’t like me

Therapist: That’s where I can help

Me: Great

Therapist: They don’t

As my grandma used to say, if a bear is sitting on your couch, you’ve drunk too much. If you’re not drunk, why aren’t you running?

doctor: your parents were in a car accident

me: how are they?

doctor: they’re critical

me: I meant medically

When I’m drafting a legal document, I’ll sprinkle the word “herein” all over that shit like it’s paprika.

Apple managed to launch IPhone 8 and make it outdated all in a span of 25 minutes #AppleEvent

*Australian accent* Notice the wife in her natural habitat shaming the male husband species into doing what she wants!

You can’t just say “Goddammit!” and expect Me to damn it. There’s a procedure. File the paperwork.

I’m not sure who’s more drunk, me or the guy wrapped in Christmas lights standing in the mirror.

I have zero sexual interest in you
you’re not Peter Dinklage

Rating all the Nancy Drew books I’ve read on Goodreads so it looks like I’m smart or something.

“So how did you two meet?”
“Unfortunately.”

2024 me decided not to take today as a holiday.

2025 me is pissed off about it.

[shark tank]

Me: have u ever wanted to eat the luggage tag on ur bag after a flight

Mark cuban: no

Me: look no further

I accidentally said HAIL SANTA instead of HAIL SATAN at satanic church today and now everyone is laughing at me and they took away my robes.

my son spilled spaghetti sauce between the couch cushions, and immediately said “I guess it’s the Marinara Trench now” and I have tears of joy

Lo AND behold? in this economy?

Wife: “There’s this new show on Max, or Apple, or Prime. I can’t remember, but we should watch it.”
Me: “What’s it called?”W: “ummmm”
Me: “What’s it about?”
W: “I don’t remember, but it looked like something I would like.”

8YR OLD: dad, can we get pizza for dinner tonight?

ME: aw sweetie, I’m sorry…I had pizza for lunch

8: you think I give a damn what you had for lunch?

I have two boyfriends!

Well, I’m dating two men

Okay. Ben and I are just friends

Same with Jerry

Fine. I have ice cream.

But it’s love.

Do people really expect to have a satisfying experience on a website that ends with “.gov”?

“I can taste the difference between varieties of brands of mayonnaise”

– my best friend and the whitest man I know

Me: *smug* I think you’ll find there’s a big difference between hearing, and listening

Her: that is literally what I just said

Brands during Pride

My 5YO woke me up this morning to tell me she’s upset because her 1YO sibling woke her up. Is this the circle of life I keep hearing about?